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Monday, August 4, 2008

Lowenstein



To the limited readers of this blog (well, I can only count the few of you in the fingers of one hand, seeing that I started this blog as an online journal for my eyes only), there's only one who knows Jobert. One other reason why I was depressed last June was that I had just learned that he’s now happily married & as of last week, his wife had just given birth to their first child. In my depression over my failed marriage, I wanted to cry out against the injustice of it all. I was always the one, in college, who people would say, 10-15 years into the future, would be happily married, with a litter of kids. And given how volatile and how wary of commitment he is, Jobert would be the one still living the unattached life. The stark reality of it all, is that we find the opposite to be true. And I could just rail at the injustice of it.

He was my Lowenstein. From the book “The Prince of Tides”, or the movie of the same title, Lowenstein is the movie character Barbra Streisand, but Lowenstein also stands for that elusive, wished for alternative to the life one is leading right now. The story ends with that poignant scene where the main character is happy & contented with his life, yes, but sometimes, in the dusk of each day; this is what he says: “At the end of every day I drive through the city of Charleston and I cross the bridge that will take me home. I feel the words building inside me, I can't stop them, or tell you why I say them, but as I reach the top of the bridge these words come to me in a whisper. I say these words as a prayer, as regret, as praise, I say: Lowenstein, Lowenstein”.

In the early years of my marriage, when even then, I slowly came to realize my miserable state of existence; at the deepest, darkest moments, I would escape it all by indulging in this flight of fancy, of thinking of him. Of Lowenstein & a romance that never got off the ground. Know that saying that goes when you look back at your life, oftentimes what you regret are the things that you did not do? I can so relate this with him. The irony & utter tragedy of it all, is that I don’t think he ever really knew how much he meant to me, of how much I cared for him. We never even kissed!!!

And now I have to let him go. I am happy for him, don’t get me wrong. Its just that I am sad for me.