Artemis

On Tenderhooks

2009-04-07T04:58:00.000-07:00

You would think looking and waiting for a guy to come along is excruciating. Wait till an actual guy comes along and then you’re on tender hooks once again, & a flurry of questions about relationships and what it all means starts once again.

My friend Jercyl asked if this was a fling or this might turn into something serious. Well, this could definitely be something serious already. So what’s so special about this guy?

* The way he looks at me. That he even looks at me at all.

* How he smiles at me so tenderly. Again, that he smiles at me at all.

* He texts me to tell me what he’s doing at the moment, & asks me what I’m doing. Inane things such as: I’ve just finished eating, how about you? Am I sleeping already? That he will now sleep, coz I’d just replied to his text. If I was home. The simple, ordinary things that make up a life. Of course, I know that a few texts then & there does not a relationship make. So how often is often? Well, we exchange texts at night (before he goes on his 10pm shift), when I wake up at 2-3am (just a few texts, then I go back to sleep), & he wakes me up in the morning (we exchange texts for a time & then he goes to sleep). Is this enough to qualify as a relationship?

* Only gone out on 2 dates: but these were heavenly! Our 1st date, he was quite the gentleman. I was so frustrated! I had to take matters into my own hands. Probably why I succumbed to something I’ve never done before on a first date.

* And the thing is although I love the intimacy, sex does make things complicated. Especially for women, or maybe it’s just me. It’s confirmed: I really can’t do casual sex. It’s not like I can take my heart out of my chest, put it on a shelf where it’ll be safe & hop on the bed with my significant other. “Sides, doesn’t putting your heart into it, what making love is all about?

* This feels different though. He hugs me & keeps me close, after sex. Kisses me on the forehead, takes the time to smell my hair & run his fingers along my spine. I turn to mush….

* And he texts me first the day after! (Has never happened before!Yeah I know,I'm such a loser)
* After that first time, he told me he wanted to sleep with me next time. Not just have sex, but spend the night with me, till dawn. How romantic is that?

Oh my, I guess only time will tell.

OF BALLS AND COCKS

2009-02-20T00:52:00.000-08:00

An officemate recently invited me to join them play badminton in the afternoons, after working. I told them that I never really liked playing sports that used balls. She said: “Leony, badminton doesn’t have any balls, but uses a shuttlecock”. To which I replied, “Well then, let me paraphrase what I said. I’m really not into sports that uses balls and cocks”. Now that surely sounded like something else.

Hmm, never really thought THAT was a sport for that matter. Although I read in a Readers Digest article once that “bed-minton” uses up 60 calories per exercise.

But this is not a note about that particular kind of exercise. But that badminton invitation did get me thinking about the sports I love and enjoy. Come to think of it, the sports I’ve been into are the kind that is best enjoyed when done alone, & with no sports equipment of any kind. Not that I particularly call myself athletic. I may not be as physically active and agile as I was way back in college when I was the only girl in the Ateneo Karate Varsity Team. Also, there used to be a time when I loved running, especially waking up at dawn & breathing in the crisp morning air as I went jogging. Nowadays, I’m starting to exercise again (after a hiatus of what, 15 years?!). I’m running once again, and going to the gym, although not as often as I would like to, given my hectic schedule. But then it just means I have to be more disciplined and put exercise as a priority. (Yeah right)

Still, I would love to be more physically fit. Although, time has been kinder to me than most women my age. I just had my annual physical exam (APE) last month. I’ve been having one yearly since I started working, but was looking forward to it this time coz it was my very first comprehensive executive check-up (the benefits of being a manager). Imagine my shock when the doctor asked me to completely disrobe & take off my blouse so he could check for lumps in my breasts. It was a good thing he was a bit effeminate, because that was the closest thing I’ve had to being touched by a man in quite a while. Seeing my belly, he asked if I was single. I told him I had 2 kids already, & he said he was surprised because I didn’t have any stretch marks. This led to a long discussion about the benefits of cocoa butter lotion (I did tell you he was a bit gay). My APE numbers were quite good. I’m 5”2”, 117lbs, with vital statistics 36-26-36 (though I would love to cinch 2-3 inches off my waistline), my cholesterol levels are in the desirable level, as well as my EEG & other test results. Not bad, at 35.

Just this morning, I was one of the judges for an inter-college speech contest. At the end of the program, one of my co-judges said he was one of my high school students. It had taken him some time to recognize me because he was surprised to see me looking this good. After 15 years, he was now a lawyer, & I tell you, he looked way older than I did. Now experiences like these sure make me smile. So I guess, exercising & adopting a healthy lifestyle does help.

I still don’t see any balls and cocks in my future though. The sports I would love to do and explore someday use no equipment of any kind. I would dearly love to do oar/solitary rowing (sort of like Geena Davis in the Commander-in-Chief series, or the more popular example would be Richard Gomez in that old Bench commercial). Or ballroom dancing! I just purchased a CD of different ballroom dances. I’m afraid, I have two left feet though & dancing would prove to be quite a challenge. And yes, I have signed up for a belly-dancing course to start next week. Not that this counts as a sport. But I am looking forward to shimmying and undulating my way through life. For I don’t intend to grow old gracefully. I intend to fight it every step of the way.

So Far Away...

2009-02-12T00:03:00.000-08:00

No one in particular really, just that I've been hearing this song on the radio quite a lot lately. The poignancy and haunting melody of the song touches me somehow. And makes me yearn for all the foolish things that makes this month the crazy time that it is. I saw the video last week, when I was all by my lonesome too in a hotel in Makati. Its a song I've often sang to, while listening to the radio & lounging in bed, thus I was surprised to see the exact same setting in the video, being played out by the singer. Hmm, life imitates art. Or vice versa. Anyway, for now, this is my song.

Tell Me That You Love Me (by Regine Velasquez)
So far away on a cold, lonely night
If I could only hear your voice,the I’d be alright
Tell me that you love me,Tell me that you care
I just want to hear your voice
Come floating through the air
Telephones are lonely
Tell me you’re alright
I just want to feel you near
When I lay down tonight.
I’d give anything to see your face
Just to share the silence of your eyes
Your love is something no one can replace
So I just want you to hold me one more time.One more time.

Tell me that you love me,Tell me you’re okay
Telephones are lonelyIt sounds so far away
Tell me that you need meTell me it’s alright
I just want to hear your voice
When I lay down tonight.

I’d give anything to taste your kiss
Just to feel your body touching mine
It hurts me to be wanting you like this
So tell me that you love me one more time
One more time…Tell me that you love me
Tell me you’re alone
I just want to hear your voice
I’m so far from home
Tell me that you love me,Tell me that you care
I just want to hear your voice
Come floating through the air.
Tell me that you love me,Tell me that you care
I just want to hear your voice
Come floating through the air
Telephones are lonelyTell me you’re alright
I just want to feel you near
When I lay down tonight.

MAKE LOVE

2009-02-02T21:52:00.000-08:00

(This is the speech I plan to use for the International Speech Contest. Pray for me. Area contest is on Mar.1)

It was a dark and rainy night. As I got ready for bed in my sexy negligee,I turned to my special someone to bestow a goodnight kiss.When, all my senses were suddenly aroused… by this, not so innocent question…

“Mama, what is sex?”It was my 7 year old daughter, looking up at me, as I was tucking her to sleep.Ladies & gentlemen, Toastmasters & friends, have you ever had a time in your life when you were at a complete & utter loss for words? This is the moment every parent dreads. All the Table topics questions in the world, all the Toastmasters meetings, all the speech contests I had joined, could not have prepared me for the anxiety of this moment. I had to think of an answer…and fast!

“Well, babies come from the stomachs of mommies. Sex is how the baby gets there. But don’t think about it. Only BIG boys and girls when they grow very old, only then do they have sex.” I desperately wanted to end the discussion right then & there.

But with the natural inquisitiveness (& stubbornness!) of a child, she persisted: “Do people like to have sex?”

Reluctantly, I replied. “Well, yes, it feels good so people like to do it”

“You mean, like eating ice cream!”.

‘Yes, but sex is hot, not cold”. I could have kicked myself for saying that. Stupefied at what I’d blurted out, my mind blanked & flickered back to the past.I was 14 years old, & had asked my mom that same question.Did she also look as terror-stricken as I did now?

What I do remember is my Mom, a staunch conservative, telling me…“Sex is something only married couples do. The best gift you can give your husband is that of being the first.” Heavy! Only my mom could talk about sex & virginity in one sentence.

Still, even at that tender age of 14, something inside me rebelled at the thought.Being 1st should not be the best gift, me being anyone’s wife should be!

And to think I followed her advice to the letter. There I was, at 25, a quarter of a century old!It was the end of the millennium, & people were frightened of the Y2K bug. Me, I was more scared of bigger, more important things.What if the world came to an end, & I would die… a virgin!
And so, I met this man, & we were both the first for each other. We even got married!No, Mama. Older & wiser now, I can tell you: “You were wrong. It’s not about being first.Being last is the best gift.”

Its time for us to face all the myths we’ve been bombarded about sex. Why the taboo, the hesitation to talk about it. Not with our children, because THAT will always be awkward.
But hey we’re all mature adults here. Let’s talk about sex. We shouldn’t cringe to talk about something so basic. After all, Edmund, you wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for sex.

Sex shouldn’t be seen as something dirty. Perhaps that’s why sex puts us in a setting where we are naked, as the day we were born. Because it’s supposed to be innocent.Well, I’m going to talk about sex. People like to do it because sex satisfies 3 needs: sensory, safety & self-actualization.

1st: sex is sensory. It’s physiological: a need as basic as food, water & air. Simple as that. It’s about feelings, the physical, elemental kind. Talk about spontaneous combustion, of fire & perspiration, of a feel-good wrestling under the sheets kind of thing. A lot of men though get stuck in this stage.

Not for me. My sexual fantasy is to meet this really fabulous guy & as we are kissing each other, I’d say: “I’m sorry, I don’t believe in one night stands”. & he’d tell me, “Lenore, don’t worry, we’ll still be doing this for many nights to come. & I promise you, you won’t be doing much standing…” a steamy kissing scene follows & the camera shoots upward...As it always does in the movies…!)

2nd: Sex is safety. But nowadays, sex is FAR from safe. Back in Gov. Noli’s day, you ask: “Are you safe?” so as not to get a girl pregnant. Today, we have AIDS, STDs & multiple partners. “Are you safe?” means more. But on a deeper level, some have sex to feel secure. Having someone hold you tight, even for a brief moment, can lull you into a false sense of security. And yet, you do need to be with someone you feel safe with. After all, sex needs trust, not all thrust!

Lastly, sex is self-actualization. It’s about finding and becoming the best person you were meant to be. How? Because you’ve found that one person to say, “You complete me”. It’s finally, finding someone to fill up that emptiness inside you (figuratively AND literally). It’s someone looking at me, really looking at me, & seeing not just a body (although I have to admit, it is a pretty ravishing body). For my lover to see me as a person (with fears, hopes, desires & dreams). It’s being naked not just with someone, but being naked TO someone. To bare not just my body, but to bare my own soul.

For all fortunate enough to find this, making love (not mere sex) feels like coming home, a transcendent bliss & complete union; a coming together of two bodies, & the melding of two souls. This is the kind of sex that can’t be rushed, & yes, dear daughter, this is the kind of sex worth waiting for.

And that’s how I will explain sex to my daughter, WHEN she turns 14.

Fellow Toastmasters, whatever state you find yourself in:
Whether you’re after the pleasurable sensations sex brings;
Or whether you just need to feel safe in the haven of someone’s arms
Or, if you’re seeking & willing to wait for so much more ---
My one, fervent desire for all is only this ---
I wish all of you…love.

Contest Host.

How I Got Angry...& Ended up a Billboard Model

2009-01-29T03:47:00.000-08:00

Last week, I really got fuming mad. For a week already, my brother-in-law has been in the hospital due to complications from cryptococcal meningitis (it’s difficult to explain but yes, it’s a bit serious). Since June of last year, he’s been in & out of the hospital & this was, I think, his 6th hospitalization. So, the objects of my ire this time were hospital lab technicians & a resident doctor. My brother-in-law was supposed to have his MRI exams (3 different exams the whole day to figure out what the problem really was). He already finished with the 1st MRI, but his sched for the 2nd one was bumped because a doctor had prioritized the case of another patient. My sister was crying to me already, being worried about her husband & all, & that it was already 9pm but he still wasn’t scheduled for the MRI. I had to go down to the lab, castigate & demand with the medical personnel to have the tests done. Rare moments like these are…. the only way I can describe it is, these are the times I put on airs, am so haughty, & use my “Ar-neoww (Ateneo)” accent to the fullest. I usually think (a lot!) before I say anything (my Toastmaster friends know how much I hate Impromptu Speaking or Table Topics). But when I’m really mad, even I marvel at myself! I can speak volumes, impeccable English at that, & the closet bourgeois in me comes out. & its not like I’m roleplaying or anything, it just naturally comes out during these times.
Now, perhaps this incident doesn’t really stand out. But well, I really don’t get mad that easily. I do consider myself a very calm person, and amongst my HR colleagues, I’m known as the one who rarely loses her cool. The last time I got angry was 5 years ago (imagine!). Funny. Same setting (a hospital) & characters (hospital staff). My 2 kids were both admitted: my daughter for dehydration (diarrhea), & my son due a head concussion. It just happened at the same time, a nightmare for any mom. I got mad because they were insisting on putting a dextrose tube on my son’s arm. I protested: my son (4 at the time) is autistic & this might start one of his tantrums. So there I was again, lambasting the nurses & going on my spiel on why it shouldn’t be done. My son’s doctor had to talk to me & placate me. I had to take a breather after a week of looking after my kids in the hospital. I went to the office & the first email I saw (in a long line of emails) was about a company-wide search for models (among the employees) for a Lexmark billboard ad. Out of sheer exhaustion & for the heck of it, I submitted my picture. A week later, I was picked, along with 13 other employees, for a photo shoot. 7 couples were made up, & photographed by Cebu’s top(& expensive!) photographer. Out of the glossies & resulting shots, our CEO chose (what else, miracle of miracles!) the photo I was in.

So for a year (525,600 minutes of fame!) I was up in the clouds. Or should I say, suspended in a 20 x 40 billboard at Ayala business district (in Ayala & Mabolo intersection). I wasn’t paid anything for my experience of being a Lexmark billboard model, but it was fun telling all my friends about it. So, lets just say, I do try to channel whatever negative emotions I feel into more creative pursuits. & I did help my brother-in-law last week. After my tirade at the lab, they were able to put him in for his 2nd MRI, & even had the 3rd MRI (supposedly scheduled for the next day) done as well. Yes, it does pay to get mad now & then.

Now if only I could get another photo shoot out of this....

If a tree falls down in the forest & no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

2009-01-21T23:21:00.001-08:00

I start with that thought-provoking question (well I do hope it is provocative) because its a scenario I would like to parallel with my love for writing.

Obviously, I love to write. I call it, "thinking on paper". Of course most of my blogs and writings start out as rambling musings in my mind, & then I wait when I have the free time & opportunity to write it on the computer. I write, to form my thoughts in a cohesive structure, to portray my innermost thoughts & feelings, & in some instances, to arrive at a particular choice of action or make my stand on a personal matter that has been percolating in my thoughts for a time. But basically, I write because I need to write. As Hugh Prather said: "If the desire to write is not accompanied by actual writing, then the desire must be not to write". Fortunately, my writing muses are never too far or too busy to keep me company.

Having an audience, or someone who stumbles on whatever prose I conjure, is just an added bonus. But it would be hypocritical of me, if I didn't say that it gives me a delicious thrill, to have a friend read what I had written. More so if he/she writes a comment about it. So yes, even if the tree falling does make a sound, you so obviously want someone to hear your words, or the song it brings.

A word of caution though. For me! I find it interesting that the 2008 Word of the year is "overshare(verb): to divulge excessive personal information, as in a blog or broadcast interview, prompting reactions ranging from alarmed discomfort to approval". I am so guilty of this! I just hope most people are in too much of a hurry, to read & think about what I write.

And for those who do matter, that they do take the time to read & think about what I do write.

Many times I find, in that space between writing & rereading what I have written, that I do have second thoughts lest someone think ill of me, or judge me hastily. Still, the writer has to write what needs saying the most.

So yes, I'll be writing from hereon!

My Top 3 McDo Memories

2009-01-20T01:05:00.000-08:00

Niel's post of the McDonalds commercial: My First Love: Huling El Bimbo (loved the ad!) reminded me of why I love & prefer McDonalds over Jollibee. So these are my top3 McDo memories: Fun with Enta; Bonding with Ate; Getting Picked up(at Mcdo!)

(1)Fun with Enta: College will always make me think of living & spending within your means (ie.allowance). I remember times in McDo with the Entablado theater group. Many times, after practicing for a play, we’d chip in whatever money we can spare each (1 would give P5, another P20, & so on). Then we’d buy several large fries (& make do with loads of ketchup!!). The food was never enough, but we’d be satisfied(busog!) laughing & being in each other’s company.

(2)Bonding with Ate: In college, my elder sister & I joined the Ateneo Karate Varsity Team. Aside from our usual varsity practices, both of us would also go jogging around the campus. Many times though, we’d end up jogging from the college grounds towards Gate2. Reaching it, we’d be so tired, we’d end up crossing over to McDo & having our snacks (yup, this kinda defeated the purpose of exercising).

(3)Picked up (at McDo!): I was eating with a friend in McDo & these 2 guys came up. The friend I was with was their old high school teacher. My friend had to leave for another appointment & I ended up talking the night away with these two really nice guys. They even offered me a ride & dropped me off to my apartment. I became really close with one (Marco): just friends, nothing romantic. So close, we’d spend Sunday afternoons volunteering at the White Cross orphanage, & he even became Ninong(godfather) to my son. I will never forget a bday gift he gave me: a large bouquet of chrysanthemums from their family farm in Tagaytay (heavenly! My favorite!) & a card which read: “You should never get into cars with strange men. But I'm glad you did!”.

McDo: Love ko 'to!

My Sinulog Traditions

2009-01-20T00:09:00.000-08:00

I had a wonderful time during Sinulog 2009.

* Sinulog Lunch: For more than 5years now, I've had Sinulog Sunday lunch at a close friend (Welda's house). Their family has this panata/tradition to have a feast in honor of their devotion to Sto.Nino. Its a time for me to get-together with my former Aboitiz officemates, & catch up on the goings-on of each others' lives. Met up with Jovy, Alma, Alpin & Shaun last Sunday. Its good to know that how busy we may be throughout the year, there'll always be a time in the year that we can look forward to seeing each other.

* Sinulog Parade - Walked quite a lot (from Villagonzalo area, to T. Padilla, to Club Ultima, to Perpetual, to Ayala = am sure that covers 5kms(?), equal to the Sinulog Fun Run. This year was made easier coz my kids are now a bit grown up & can hike the distance on their own. Still, I wasn't exempt from carrying another kid in my arms this year (my 2yr old niece!). But whats the essence of a feast day for the Child Jesus after all, if you don't bring kids to the Sinulog?!

* Sinulog Fireworks: I just love fireworks! They may be fleeting & transitory sights, but breathtaking & a personal favorite of mine nevertheless. Watched Abellana fireworks from the Club Ultima Snooze Lounge, & waited till 9pm for the Ayala fireworks. And I just love watching fireworks with my kids!

& from hereon, I'll be sure to add another Sinulog tradition: to always participate in the Sinulog marathon/fun run (& of course, see how my running time improves over the years). Now if I could also throw in a Sinulog street party or two after that....

Pit Senyor!

The Past 20 Years

2009-01-14T22:43:00.000-08:00

What do you tell someone you haven't seen in almost 20 years?!!

Because of Facebook, I’ve been getting reconnected with a whole lot of people from my past. Especially people I’ve been really close to before: a best friend in grade school & my first ever barkada. The funny thing is I’m so green with envy that life now finds them, friends to each other. (& it’s me who’s gotten lost along the way!!). Although that shouldn’t surprise me, after all, I do keep moving from place to place hence keeping friendships & making them last is a challenge (see old blog entry: Forever Friends). Yet its touching how they were just talking about me over the weekend (& were wondering where I was). Now, that had me teary-eyed. I know I’m all sweet & friendly & malambing, but I’ll be the first to tell you that I’m not an easy person to (really!) get to know. Especially way back in grade school & high school. I remember that as the awkward years. I was overly emotional & sensitive then, & going through the usual teen-age angst. So if I don’t have fond memories of myself way back then, I wonder how my friends remember me?

And so, even though its not easy to look back after what one has been up to all these years, here’s what I’d like to tell them about me to “catch up for lost time”:
* Took up AB Psychology in Ateneo de Manila. Loved my course & wouldn’t have had it any other way. I’ve been an HR professional for the past 14 years.

* Studying & growing up in Manila, after a very sheltered home life in my younger years, has made me the fiercely, independent person that I am. I’ve lived in Cebu, Davao, and Manila & shuttled back & forth over these places (uprooted myself 8x!) in my lifetime. For now though, I call Cebu home.

* I was active in the theater in college & acted in several school plays, & even signed up for a short stint with a PETA theater group (they’d find this interesting coz I was so actively involved in school theater productions in GS & HS). Sadly, I haven’t acted in the theater fro the longest time. Which is probably why I love being in Toastmasters! (But more of that later!)

* I worked as a teacher for 4 years (1 year as a Filipino teacher in HS, & 3 years teaching Grade 2 Boys = 2 of these as a Guidance Counselor). I loved teaching (though the hours & hard work was something else! Teaching really is a vocation!)! My parents also convinced me I had to go find a real job (after spending for my very expensive college education!). I still count my years in teaching as part of my HR experience though coz this is where I got my facilitation, training design & “platform” skills.

* My HR jobs have mostly been in Training and Organizational Development. What I love most about being in HR & particularly in Training is that the job is never routine. It’s always new, you get to meet new people, & I find meaning in my work (helping people be skilled in the work they do, & helping the company cope with changing workforce needs). It’s both strategic/macro & individual at the same time. I’ve been fortunate to have worked for very good companies: Sacred Heart School for Boys(1yr), Ateneo de Manila Grade School(3), Straightway(1), Aboitiz(5), Lexmark(5), now as a Training Manager with Innodata, a BPO/KPO company.

* I’m a mother as well! I have a 7-year old daughter; & a 9-year old son (he has autism & being a mother of a child with special needs has, in a large way, defined my life & who I am). It’s too much to summarize in one line, I could write a whole speech, even a whole book about this.

* Speaking of kids! About love. I remember I was always reading romance novels (started in Grade3! imagine, & read tons in high school). I don’t read them anymore (that should tell you something; I’m still a voracious reader-other genre-,finishing a book a week). I was married, for almost 10 years. It didn’t work out, & I’m still, in a sense, bitter about it, but believe me, I am so glad it’s finally over & that I’m finally free.

* I still sing! Well, at least any chance I get. I still join the occasional singing contest (& win something, though not the top prize); at company programs & at other events (like I said, any chance I get!). Singing will always be something I’m good at, but not something I could do professionally (I wish!)

* My parents now live in the States(California), my eldest sister in Washington(USA), another sister in Greece, & I still live with my youngest sister in Cebu (but she & her family will soon be migrating to Canada). So I’m officially stuck as the Philippine delegation. (Fine by me, as long I get to receive any foreign currency!).

* I’m passionate about Toastmasters! Been a member for 10 years now, & joined several (& won!) speech contests. So those elocution contests in GS & HS did pay off! I go to a Toastmasters club meeting (different clubs) at least once a week. Personal highs were winning at these speech contests: 1st-runner up at a District (national) Humorous Speech Contest (yup, me! Making other people laugh!); championship at the Prepared/ Entertaining Speech Category (District Level); & 1st runner-up Triathlon Speech Contest (3 speech categories: Impromptu, Singing & Prepared Speech). Toastmasters is also about leadership, & not just communication. I also served as Area Governor & Division Governor for Cebu.

* I’ve been blessed to have made several good friends in my life over the past 20 years. There’s Niel (used to be my student in HS-my 1st job; now my best friend. Hey I’m just 5years older than him! & he’s gay). Still go out with the college barkada when I’m in Manila. I have friends I’ve made in Aboitiz who I still get to hang out from time to time (Welda, Tim, the Timbukto tribe, friends I’ve made in Aboitiz Toastmasters); Lexmark friends; friends I’ve made in Toastmasters; & I still get surprised that, at my old age(!), I still get to make new friends who keep me sane (Edmund!). So yes, when my sis complains that I’m always out with friends, well, it’s because it’s a different set of friends each time!

* I became a Christian in College. This was a life-defining moment for me, & being a Christian has made me accept & cherish the many things that have happened to me in my life.

* I still have a lot of extracurricular activities! I’m always making plans & working on so many personal projects. I love to write & blog (obviously!) & am a member of so many organizations (work related & non-work related!).

Okay! Rereading over everything I’ve written in the past few minutes has made me realize that what I’ve written here can be something that could be read at my wake. But since I do plan on living to a ripe old age (God willing of course), I sure do plan to do so many things & have so many things to write about before I kick the bucket. Suffice to say, its nice to know that well, I did have a grand old time the past 20 years, & hope to live a grander time still for the next 20 more!

I Love A Woman In Uniform

2009-01-12T19:58:00.000-08:00

Now that sounds pretty unusual huh? Coz you'd rarely hear men say that (perhaps because it'd be more likely for them to say they like women withOUT a stitch of clothing on them). More often than not, its women who say this phrase, about liking men in uniform, that is.

Well, having said that, I'm putting this phrase out because for the longest time in a long, long while I have not been in uniform. I can't even remember the last time I wore one. But since the 1st working day of this year, I've started to wear a uniform once again. We're all required to wear a uniform in the company, even members of the senior management team. It's a good thing though that I like the uniform (just a plain white sportjack-blouse, & grey slacks). But the form-fitting slacks look good on me, which is a good thing considering that I'm really a dress/skirts type of gal. Otherwise, I probably would think of resigning if I loathed how I feel in uniform . This might sound pretty shallow of me, but really, I think one of the reasons why I quit teaching was because of the uniforms they made us teachers wear. I mean did they have to make us wear uniforms that made us look like a teacher! (duh, I mean of course we were that, but did they have to make us have to look so strict, strait-laced & matronly!).

And if it had'nt been for these uniforms, I wouldn't have learned my current vital statistics. I'm actually a voluptuous (hehe!) 36-blank-36. Now, 2 out of 3 of the ideal body figure for a woman is not bad. Of course, the blank I have to work on. But as pointed out to me by my officemate, the waist after all is the easier among the 3 to work on. I can still remember the days when I had a petite 23-inch waistline (yup, back when I was the only girl in the College Varsity Team then, with waking up at the crack of dawn to do my daily jogging, & 3x/week varsity practice sessions). Hmm...i can only dream back the glory of lost years...but then I did have those 2 kids along the way...

Suffice to say, I do like the way I look in uniform now. And although I will miss wearing my dresses, & skirts & other corporate wear items I have in my closet, being in uniform will save me the perpetual dilemma every woman thinks of when she gets ready to go out of the house:

" What will I wear !?! ".

Superfragilisticexpialidocious

2009-01-12T03:34:00.000-08:00

My Favorite Words in the English Dictionary:

audacity brevity chameleon destiny enchanting fortitude gargantuan horrendous irrevocable jimminy klaeidoscope lackadaisical metaphorical nonsensical ogle piquant quaint rendezvous sultry trite unbelievable verbose whim xi yore zest

I obviously don't have anything better to do with my time....(truth is, I was actually commuting in Manila & went through the alphabet to amuse myself).

Although I guess what I'm trying to point out here is that...don't you just find words amazing? We all need words after all to get through life & convey our message. The words we weave equally show who we are & what we perceive. A magician always has his magic spells...key words & phrases to conjure up whatever help is needed. Similarly, seakers and writer and ordinary people like me need to have a whole spiel of words to ramble on & make into the a cohesive and altogether engaging story that is one's life.

How Old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?

2009-01-06T20:29:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine posted that intriguing question in her blog last year. Which got me to thinking...well, for me...I'd be seventeen. Yup, I seem to be perpetually stuck to that age (mentally that is! I wish I could say looks-wise too).

Which probably explains why I spent the holidays poring over teen-age stuff. Imagine, I spent one weekend speed-reading the 4 Twilight books: from Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and finally Breaking Dawn. I just got so hooked to the books: the story, the romance of it, the characters, etc.

And of course, after reading the book, I had to look for a DVD of the Twilight movie. I didn't like the movie as well as I liked the book, but then that's what usually happens. At least they got an actor for Edward who really looked as handsome as he was described in the book. This reminds me of a funny experience I had in 2008, when I was being interviewed(& taped!) for a DJ post for Y.101FM. (Haha, I was really bored at the time, & was just trying this out on a whim!) I was asked: "You are all alone in a building. Which would you rather be attacked by: a werewolf or a vampire?".

My answer: "That's easy. I would prefer to be attacked by a vampire. I really don't see myself being eaten & torn into pieces. I would much rather be bit & sucked dry! And turn into a vamp!"

I also spent the holidays, relaxing to the max & watching DVDs. I watched the whole Season 1 of the television series: "Gossip Girl". To be that young once again! I found it quite amusing following the antics & foibles of this group of elite, Manhattan teen-agers. As hilarious as there problems were (lovelife, schoolwork & family), there were actually real life lessons I picked up from the story.

Which brings me back to why I love "being" seventeen. There's something to this age that strikes me to the very core of my being: to be that innocent, & optimistic & on the brink of starting one's life once again. There's even a magazine named for this age! In my case, I fell in love for the first time, at seventeen. Albeit, it was a love unrequited. As the song goes: (sings)
"I learned the truth at seventeen that love was meant for beauty queens... and those of us with ravaged faces (not really that much!) lacking in the social graces, desperately remained at home, inventing lovers on the phone, who called to say -- come dance with me... it isn't all it seems, at seventeen. " Oh well...

I found it ironic that in Twilight, this age is also highlighted, as being special:
Isabella Swan: How old are you?
Edward Cullen: Seventeen.
Isabella Swan: How long have you been seventeen?
Edward Cullen: A while.

Oh, to be seventeen for a little while longer....

Goodbyes and Hellos: My 2008 Recap

2009-01-04T21:33:00.000-08:00

2008 was a very eventful year for me. A lot of goodbyes...but also a lot of hellos.

(1) Goodbye Lexmark– 5 years of working for the same company – it was definitely time to say goodbye. Oddly enough, the year started with attending & contributing actively in the joint HR Summit to discuss the wave of resignations we had (not enough to stop me though). The year started with the whole HR-Reorg, & my new role as HR Officer for Government and Community Relations was new & exciting & made me stay (for a while) until the new HR Director had to leave (that made it 4 bosses in 5 years). & things have become so tiring and so toxic in the office; so it really was just time to move on, esp. with that whole DA fiasco in the end. Was called by headhunter Ward-Howell & had series of interviews, all the way to the last panel interview with Hitachi in Laguna. Was given a good job offer for HR Compensation & Benefits Manager, but declined this for personal reasons (see #3). My “gratitude rocks” goodbye gift to people. Cried my last day, didn’t think it’d affect me that much even though I was so relieved to finally leave. Perhaps because I cried buckets during my 5 year stay with the company too.

(2) Hello Innodata – Wasn’t expecting this, but it felt good having my exit interview & telling my boss I had a new job in the wings, as a Training Manager at that. Was just relieved to get a job that paid a little more than my previous one, & a Mgr role at that. & I feel so at home here already, with challenging tasks like handling ISMS, training budgets & schedules, designing & facilitating new training programs; preparing for external & conducting internal audits, metrics & KPIs, management meetings, as well as great relationships with my co-workers. & it’s just so different & exciting being a part of the management team now. I do believe I’m going to stay here awhile.

(3) Goodbye Marital Blues – Clarity@2008 was my rallying cry for this year after all. Found myself drowning my misery in VCD/TV sitcom marathons like Desperate Housewives (being one myself), Prison Break, etc. Holy week was a miserable one having to bear his abusive ways. Had decided to accept the Mla job & give it another try. But then I realized (after nigh 8 years) I didn’t have to bear the heart-wrenching misery anymore. That I could just cut things off & move on. Talking with my sisters (& realizing they did know) helped. The finger without a ring (old blog entry). It’ll be difficult to have a clean cut though & things are bound to become messy before it’s finally over, but am glad I’ve made the decision to move on. Had talks with friends to get legal advice (Ritchie, Leica, Dottie, Lloyd, Ranz, etc). Still, having decided to finally let go has given me the peace & serenity that I had been yearning for all this time.

(4) Hello Friends – With growing old comes the realization that I do need people in my life (Maturity and Interdependence); & I guess because of the turmoil I was experiencing in my personal life, I realized I was not superwoman & thus needed to share the truth with friends, surprisingly enough, even with strangers! & it became easier with each telling (to friends who I’ve kept in the dark about all my troubles). Prompting a friend to say that all these years he saw me smiling, he always knew that there was something painful, & not real, in my eyes. Maintaining ties with old friends & making new ones: staying & having to say goodbye to Niel’s condo & those coaching sessions; terrific conversations & hanging out with new girlfriend Edmund; being truthful to Aboitiz friends & Timbukto tribe; old Lexmark alumni friends Eboy & Raniza; having to say goodbye to friends leaving abroad; finding new friends too: finding my niche & being good friends with a lot of people in my new job.

(5) Hello to the Single Life – With freedom comes the liberty to start to venture out, & feel alive once more. Changed my hairstyle (I look & feel better with curly hair!); started wearing make-up (yup, something I admit to needing, now that I’m 35); working out at the gym. Started to date once again, a record of lousy dates though (see Lousy Dates previous blog entry). “It’s just a fantasy, it’s not the real thing. But sometimes a fantasy, is all I need” (well for now that is). Funny though how it’s raining men once again, but not the type I really need. I still yearn for romance & intimacy, even though I’m far from ready for anything serious. Still, going casual will never be my style.

(6) Goodbye Div C– The flurry of preparations for the Div C Speech Contest & club visits (most clubs got Presidents’ Distinguished Clubs in my Division this year). Ended my TI year with a bang – attended the Tagaytay District Convention with the Aboitiz gang (wearing New Peak jackets!) & being so happy for Div C to have bagged the championship for 3 if not 4 categories! Its hello Div I for me now- what with putting up a Toastmasters Club in my new company & being elected as VP- Ed.

(7) Hello to Competing Once Again – It’s been awhile since I’ve given a speech in front of a Toastmasters audience. I volunteered for Div I Joint Area Contest & wrote my “The Art of Kissing” test speaker speech the night before the contest. Used same speech for my Entertaining Speech & joined the Triathlon once again, all the way to Bacolod! Bacolod! What an experience! To winning.. & not really winning…to learning from mistakes… & making new friends & the more- than-friends…

(8) Family/Home Life – Goodbyes to scary Yayas (6 this year!), dining out at restaurants & going places(several times) with me & the kids, & Sheila, Tito & Ella; coping with Tito’s medical emergencies & numerous hospitalizations; getting hypertensive with China’s homework; swimming with the kids at Crown. My kids are growing up so fast! And though it was extremely difficult this year, making ends meet financially & having to pay debts; being a single mom is something I had no trouble getting used to.

(9) Hello Travel – I didn’t get to travel out of the country like I did last year, but I did go out of town a lot of times this year. Manila trips (Feb for the Hitachi interview, March for Holy Week where we visited La Mesa Eco Park; May for the Tagytay Discon; plenty of Cebu trips also: Buhisan Dam; Mountain View, beach outings in Moalboal, San Remegio, Tambuli, & Karancho! I still got to go to a lot of places I’ve never been to before, which still makes this a traveling year for me. This just fits in the theme of how totally liberating & exploratory this year has been for me.

(10) Hello Music! – Its true that this year has had a lot of ups & downs for me, but it’s been more of an upbeat year overall. & I guess with the vitality I’ve found with now being free, music has found me once again. Had several chances to sing this year: at a company half-time basketball game, 3 singing contests, singing in Waterfront for the PMAP regional convention; being complimented by the director & my stint in a recording studio(feeling professional!); singing in several programs & events. After being in the shadows for so long, I realize I do belong up there, where the lights are on me & people see how talented & beautiful I can be (as boastful as that may sound, but giving myself permission to be “seen” as such is what matters after all). And, complementary to music, I’ve been writing and blogging once again!

So yes, I have found the clarity I wished for, for 2008.

Feeling Maudlin

2008-12-10T05:34:00.000-08:00

It strikes once again. I guess this happens to me, perhaps once a month, maybe during the full moon (full moon ba ngayon?) or middle of my cycle (well, kinda true). I'm feeling so down and in the dumps now. Starting to think maudlin thoughts once again. I'm usually so upbeat and optimistic, but I have to admit, I can be equally, if not more melodramatic when I'm down and depressed. Perhaps because its so chilly right now(December nights), or the fact that I'm losing the challenge a close friend threw at me (3 dates before the year ends !!!). Hahay, pag-ibig na naman ba, or the lack of it, ang kahihinatnan ng blog entry na ito? Hindi naman siguro. Wala, masaya lang kasing maramdaman ang kababawan ng pag-ibig. Yung kinikilig ka, at magkakandaugaga para lang sa isang lalaki. Kabaliwan.

The Examined Life

2008-12-05T18:38:00.001-08:00

I'm looking for a 2009 planner. I always start each year with my new planner, excited for the year that will be. Not that I really jot down things to do and events to go to. I'm afraid I entirely use my yearly planner for an altogether different purpose -- as a mini-diary. Instead of looking at the future, I look at the past --- as I jot down things that happened on that day. Hence its not a diary really, since I don't really expound my thoughts for each event here --- I leave all my writings and ruminations for my blogs after all. My planner though, functions similar to what Doogie Howser MD (remember that famous TV show in the 80's or early 90's) where he'd write a line or two of what happened for the week in his computer.

I wish I could find a planner though that allots the same space for weekend days (Sat & Sun), as it does for weekdays (Mon-Fri). Or similar to the pic posted here. I mean these planner manufacturers must know that more people plan for their weekends than their weekdays! I always run out of space when I jot down what happened over the weekend. Hey I'm a weekend person after all (even with this new job now where I also work on Saturdays) there's still so much fun things that happen over the weekend. Not that my weekdays are better, I do have a very busy life, not just with work, but with social appointments plus my other extracurricular activities.

Writing in my planner is instrospection time for me,as I get to savor the things that happened for that particular day. Just writing a simple line to remind me of where I went, the people I talked to,etc. This is for me after all, just stimulus cues. I do need to rely on my memory to give me the full story of what happened on that day. Example: "June29,2008: My 35th bday! At home lang. Lunch at SM Bigby's with Sheila,Tom & kids. Konting ikot. Visited dead lolas at Queen City (cemetery)". Yup, its that sparse or even cryptic. But hey,I'm writing this for me really.

Still, this is something that works for me. After all, I believe it was the famous philosopher Nietzche who said that the unexamined life is not worth living. Or if I were to paraphrase that, the unremembered life is not worth living.

Lousy Dates

2008-11-25T22:44:00.001-08:00

They say dating is a lot like dancing. You just need to make the right moves. Or maybe its just because I haven't found the right partner. For I've sure been having my toes stepped on.

See, I've been venturing into the singles scene once again. And dating! But the rules must have changed while I was away...for I've been having all these horrific dates! So, as if to torment myself all the more (for there's a perverse side to it that I just can't explain) here's a listing of all the types of lousy dates I've been through so far:

1. The Maniac. There's the date who's all over you, who you have to keep fending off & have him keep his hands to himself. He could give an octopus with 8 tentacles a run for his money. I guess what makes this date so repulsive is that you don't really like his touch at all. Or perhaps you could, but you just find the timing so bad. Call me old-fashioned but making out on the first date is not my idea of getting to know one another. I thought dating was about romance and leisurely strolling under the moonlight. When did dating become all about sex and a hasty trek to bed?! And to think I've been on three dates so far, all falling under this category. And its surely not because I have the body of a sex siren! (or maybe I do!). I certainly have not given them any inducements, or worn revealing, sexy attires for them to misconstrue it as a green-go!

2. The Conservative. On the opposite side of the spectrum is the date who's too cautious, not of you but of being seen by others (notably his girlfriend and her friends). And you end up not even being kissed at all! I know I seemed all virginal with lousy date example #1, but I guess it could be worse (you could like him but you just get stolen kisses - smacks at that! No tongue action at all= thus not really a kiss). Then you end up having a long-drawn out, long-distance "Sun-ny" affair. Yes, even hour-long conversations 3x a day does not a date make. My fault really for going out with a guy who's already attached (of course I didn't know it at the time). Which doesn't excuse why I've let these phone conversations drag on (but he's so sweet to talk to...& something is better than nothing!).

3. The Indian. Then there's the date who doesn't really qualify as one. Because he stood you up! And I couldn't have imagined that we'd agreed to something, coz there were these conversations, & text messages, & explicit words said to show he really was interested in me! But when it came to the actual action, he says he's too busy! What's a girl to do!

4. The Friendly Date. This is when a friend tags along to your barkada outing & you kind of agree to let him come along. And you think... well the sea air, and a walk on the beach under a canopy of stars, might just be the perfect setting for romance to bloom. But then you arrive at that perfect setting, & find that he's not the man of your dreams after all. Sparks don't fly, no romantic overtures are made, & you realize you really don't have anything in common... except perhaps for that other friend you have in a bikini he's been oogling (not you!).

The friend I recounted all these dates to, actually asked for lousy date #5. Incredulous, I shrieked: "You actually want me to experience another lousy date just so we could round it to a nice, solid, even number!!!".

Suffice to say, I have not been having the "time of my life". At all.

I am Strong !

2008-11-24T22:40:00.000-08:00

I got this from my best friend. I especially like his justification and explanation of Positive Psychology. It fits with my strength after all which is optimism. So here’s my top 5 Signature Strengths (the first being the highest). What I love about what's listed here is that in spite of everything that has been thrown to me in my life, I still remain a child at heart & see life as one big adventure.

(1) Love of learning: You love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always loved school, reading, and museums-anywhere and everywhere there is an opportunity to learn.
(2) Hope, optimism, and future-mindedness- You expect the best in the future, and you work to achieve it. You believe that the future is something that you can control.
(3) Curiosity and interest in the world- You are curious about everything. You are always asking questions, and you find all subjects and topics fascinating. You like exploration and discovery.
(4) Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness- Thinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind.
(5) Gratitude- You are aware of the good things that happen to you, and you never take them for granted. Your friends and family members know that you are a grateful person because you always take the time to express your thanks.

And these are my least strengths, since they're at the bottom of the list. Hmm.. how come I feel the need to explain my weaknesses more than my strengths. I guess because the first list is very self-explanatory when you see me. But the weaknesses... well they go deeper & hence must be explained. At this point in my life, after having stifled my needs in my (failed) marriage for so long, I want to be seen & in the limelight & thus modesty would not be one of my strong suits right now (weakness #1).Part of it is being a little impatient with people. I guess I'm less forgiving of people right now & prefer to speak my mind when someone I meet doesn't quite measure up to my expectations (#2). Still, I'm far from being brave, especially when it comes to venturing out in relationships with men (3#). Its difficult to be honest with people, men especially, when I still don't trust that I won't be hurt. The last weakness, has to do with my being an introvert (yes, I am one!), as much as it may feel for me to be lonely right now, I would rather be alone than have to put up & relegate my needs to someone else (be it in a relationship or with friends). Its time for "me" now!
(1) Modesty and humility- You do not seek the spotlight, preferring to let your accomplishments speak for themselves. You do not regard yourself as special, and others recognize and value your modesty.
(2) Forgiveness and mercy- You forgive those who have done you wrong. You always give people a second chance. Your guiding principle is mercy and not revenge.
(3) Bravery and valor- You are a courageous person who does not shrink from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain. You speak up for what is right even if there is opposition. You act on your convictions.
(4) Honesty, authenticity, and genuineness- You are an honest person, not only by speaking the truth but by living your life in a genuine and authentic way. You are down to earth and without pretense; you are a "real" person.
(5) Citizenship, teamwork, and loyalty- You excel as a member of a group. You are a loyal and dedicated teammate, you always do your share, and you work hard for the success of your group.

Signature Strengths Test: 240 item Character Strength and Virtues Test from Authentic Happiness.

The Desire of My Heart

2008-11-24T19:27:00.000-08:00

Ok. Its been quite some time since I've thought about Mr.Right. But even if I do despair of ever meeting him, the dream is always there. So since this text by a dear friend reminded me :

http://mymetaphysicaltrapeze.blogspot.com/2008/11/someone-to-share-foxhole-with.html, of the off chance of what could be, then here is my Christmas list (for all Christmases):

1. makes me laugh

2. will bring me breakfast in bed

3. will love my daughter, & most especially my son & treat them as his own

4. is God-fearing

5. successful in his career

6. has money of his own, acquired through his efforts

7. appreciates the arts

8. encourages me to pursue my own interests

9. athletic

10. has passions & interests of his own (excluding women of course!)

11. loyal and faithful

12. a gentle - man who can be tender and kind

13. loves to read like I do

14. articulate

15. emotionally resilient

16. will dream with me (& work hard with me to achieve them!)

17. someone to watch over me

Yes, I can always dream ...

Ramdam mo na ang Pasko?

2008-11-23T22:42:00.000-08:00

I asked that of a dear friend when we met recently. His answer saddened me in that he said Christmas is for the kids..and that the older he gets he feels that Christmas is just another holiday that one gets used to.

I believe one has to decide, not just in Christmas, but in all things for that matter, to find the joy in
anything. I guess I asked that question because I was in a way asking myself if I already feel the Christmas spirit.

And it got me thinking that I feel the joy of Christmas the most when I start buying gifts for friends, family and other people in my life. Christmas for me is shopping! Well, that's easy, I'm a woman after all. It happens every year...our senses are bombarded with the sights and sounds of Christmas everywhere we go. Again, we are confronted with the challenge of finding that perfect gift. For me, its the thrill of finding, for that special person on my list something totally different, something totally unique. Oh yes, & it does start first with making my Christmas list: of people I will give gifts to, of people who I need to give that something to thank for their gift of friendship. So who has been nice to me? And who has been naughty? Its not only Santa who gets to drop people from his list. Although for me, its a matter of budget I guess, & so priority goes to family & close friends, then people in the office, & other people I want to give gifts to.

Then comes the shopping! And with so many bazaars & Xmas sales & tiangges nowadays, one can always find something to buy for a certain amount. I love crossing things from my list, seeing that I've already bought a gift for that person, & so on. I never get tired of elbowing my way through the crowd, of looking at what things are in store in the next booth, and carrying so many parcels and shopping bags after a day spent Christmas shopping!

Wrapping the gifts is another dramatic affair, a tradition. With Christmas carols playing in the background of course. Hands busy with tinsel, and ribbons & bows & cards & boxes and colorful Christmas wrappers, plus a sprig of holly or a garland of mistletoe to give that gift that extra Christmassy touch. And seeing all those gifts pile up under the tree! A Christmas tree is not a Christmas tree after all, without gifts haphazardly piled, one of top of the other.

Then comes the giving of gifts. I love handing out gifts to my friends, with a special note of thanks for the year that was, & the year that will be. With kisses and hugs of course! And much, much love. This is when I feel the spirit of Christmas the most. And I guess its because, if you really look closely at it, we give gifts to mirror the love that was there, in that first Christmas gift. For the Father who loved us so much that he gave us his son. As a Christian, I believe in the joy and the wonder and the magic of Christmas. And that it truly is a cause for celebration. Its not the material things that matter after all, for a gift would not be a gift without the love and the care that goes in the choosing, and in the giving.

And so, ho, ho, ho.. I'm off to do my Christmas shopping!

I am Healthy, Well & Beautiful!

2008-11-17T00:44:00.000-08:00

I am healthy, well & beautiful ! If not, then I certainly think so. So perhaps I do have healthy self-esteem. But I know I'm also my own worst critic when it comes to my state of personal health.

So I took time out over the weekend to attend Ayala's annual Health, Wellness & Beauty Fair. Visited the different booths & got to take home a lot of freebies & some information for classes I'm looking at, notably:

* A free Mary Kay facial (will be getting that on Nov22)
* Belly-dancing lessons (1K only for unlimited sessions for a month: hmm..this is interesting)

* Yoga classes (I've always been interested in this & it might be good for my scoliosis, as well as for one's state of mind)

* An offer for a body massage (flirted for an instant with the cute sales guy: "So will you be the one giving the massage?". Of course he said yes!).

* Fitflops (I'd love to have this set from Res-toe-run, though its a bit pricy at almost 3K for a pair of engineered sandals that promises to make you lose weight as you walk!)

* A free body fat analysis from Fitness First (results show that I'm 8% overweight in terms of body fat as the range for my weight,height & age is 17-24% & I'm at 32%. Hmm..I guess they will always say you need to exercise. I would say I don't look that bad at all. Several people in fact reacted when they learned I was trying to lose weight, saying I don't need to (of course that did wonders to my ego!)

* Free front-seat ticket to the Fashion Show (boutiques Guess, Mango & Nike) = realized that it does pay to know the right people! Got this from a friend & loved watching the models strut their stuff on the run way

* Free buffet dinner stub at Teatro Casino (had to decline this though as I had to attend, what else..a Toastmasters meeting! But then one has to get one's priorities straight: Toastmasters always comes first! Plus all that free food would have added to more body fat!)

It was a fun night at the Health, Wellness & Beauty Show. I guess one should always put that as a priority for oneself. Although beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and so, lo & behold, the question to ask would really be: How do you see yourself?

Quantum of Solace

2008-11-12T16:36:00.000-08:00

I got stood up last night (again!) for this date that never was. If you're one of the unlucky few who has actually experienced this then you know how terribly forlorn an experience it can be. The funny thing was I actually won a movie pass that night (for being the best Table Topics speaker in the Toastmasters meeting I attended = a pre-date event). The movie pass stated: "Privilege Card: Admit One Only" = yup, as if saying one should be priviliged to go to the movie alone. And it did say admit one only, so I took that as fate's sign for me to go on quality self-time. Quantum of Solace. The movie's title says it all: I am so trapped, in this total vacuum of aloneness !!! Or, as translated to Filipino: "malaking kawalan". But its his loss really & not mine!

So watch the movie I did. And I absolutely loved it! It reminded me again of how much I love Daniel Craig as James Bond. And I realized three things from all these James Bond movies:

(1) I don't want to be the James Bond girl who dies. Strange as it may seem, but I always seem to identify with this character. There's always one in every flick, from Solange in Casino Royale, Teri Hatcher's character in Tomorrow Never Dies, to this last one of Agent Strawberry Fields. Sultry, sexy & they steal the scene. But they do have that sapping, victim & hopeless take to it all. Still, they do get laid by James Bond. That should count for something. But I need to shift to the other character, the other James Bond girl. I want to be the girl who gets to stand up for herself & kicks ass.

(2) James Bond is the ultimate bad boy girls must be wary of. Oozing with macho sex appeal; a chest to die for; physically & mentally agile (my weaknesses in a guy). You know he's working on the right side of the law, but there's still that untamed, maverick side of him. No matter if you know how many women he must have bedded in his entire career, he still gets to you. I think its because he can make any girl feel like such a woman. I love the last 2 James Bond movies though because Bond has this humane side to him: he's fallen in love! What drives him is his love for Vesper, & the betrayal he feels at her having duped him. No wonder then that he becomes this international playboy.

(3) Have sex and die! Never have sex with James Bond (& all bad boys) no matter how they entice you (I love Daniel Craig's pick-up line in this movie: to Agent Fields = " I can't find the hotel stationery" = so unusual that it actually works!). Still, never, never give in! (Yeah right! Note to self) He can be so all-consuming & no matter how thrilling an experience it can be --- woe to the girl who does so. As the villian says in Quantum of Solace: "Everything he touches withers and dies". Could any death be worth the little death one enjoys when they have sex with him? Hmm...

So I did get to have that date after all. Oh James....

TODO To-Do List!

2008-11-10T22:34:00.000-08:00

So many things to do and accomplish before the year ends:
(in no particular order)

1. My financial standing (make accurate list of my debts & draft a debt payment plan) = I do have an idea of my payables, but am actually hedging on this and am not looking forward to this task (but I really have to!)

2. Plan for Mla trip (plan & book dates, where to stay, how much, etc)= bringing my daughter to Mla so she can spend Xmas with her Dad (I've already decided that I'm just going to hatid then sundo her= am not planning on staying in Marikina. I still don't know though if I have the nerve to have that talk with my ex)

3. Gym Exercise (lose weight: 5 lbs; & 2 inches from my waist) target 2-3x/week exercise at the gym

4. My work (I have so many things to do at work- so many targets & projects that I just have to put this here)

5. Year -end reflections (make my top 10 events for 2008, lessons learned)

6. 2009 Goal Setting (make this list, as well as my 2009 goals collage, include a financials projection for certain goals that entail money, also revisit my personal Mission-Vision statement)
7. My International Speech (finalize written form & have these approved by selected TM friends)

8. Personal Training (I will have to draft & facilitate the following trainings: Time Management, Best Year Yet, & Financial Literacy programs)

9. 5S (Organize my things in my room, start if not finish my scrapbook for 2008 events down)

10. Appointment & talk with lawyer (I already have a lawyer in mind. Much has been accomplished this year. I did gain clarity on my marriage & having decided that this is the best for me. I've already gotten legal advise & have the pros & cons for annulment vs. separation; so what I need to do now is prepare myself psychologically & write facts & my side as well as get an idea of financial cost)

I had actually dropped an item from the list coz I know I'll be unable to finish already (& I'm actually sad for doing so - this dream & goal is to join the Precious Heart Romance Contest - its been a long time dream for me to write a Tagalog romance - deadline for submission is Dec15. I'll just join next year - this means I have a whole year to write the novel. I already have a storyline & characters in mind. Its the actual writing & the discipline & time for this that needs doing!)

So I guess, my to-do list should can also be a TODO list! Coz I'll have to give it my all to be able to accomplish all these things before the year ends!

But You're Just A Boy

2008-11-07T22:00:00.000-08:00

This has been bugging me for some time now. I asked this guy out for a movie date (James Bond: Quantum of Solace) like 2-3 weeks ago. Yup, I remember telling a friend about this, & he remarked: " Wow, I didn't know you were that confident!". And its so true, I believe, this is actually my first time to ask a guy out. Of course, this wasn't like up front, I just texted him. Its not for fear of anything but because we don't really get to see each other everyday.

So he's been giving these non-committal answers. I do know that he is interested in me (well, we did go out one time & suffice to say, well, he was all over me!). Its not like I imagined it all. Perhaps affections wane over time? But I do know (I think) that he's extremely busy. I was really just looking forward to going out & talking with him (he's an extremely funny guy & I believe would make a fun & interesting date). Plus I really can't remember the last time I went out on a date with a guy. I guess I'm after feeling like a woman. I want the intimacy of holding hands, of being hugged. And kissed! And the ironic thing of it all, is that I've definitely decided I can't go out with stranger & be intimate, the way my other friends do it. I need the feeling of being safe & being with someone I can trust. Yes, even if its just for a dinner out, & movie & light kissing!

I do hope that we do finally go out tonight. If not, then this reminds me so much of this song on the radio nowadays & then it'll be time perhaps for me to sing this song:

" It's a little too late for you to come back, say its just a mistake.

Think I'd forgive you like that, If you thought I would wait for you. You thought wrong

But you're just a boy, You don't understand

Yeah you don't understand. How it feels to love a girl

You wish you were a better man.

But you're just a boy."

Oh geez, so I guess, its back to me experiencing a huge quantum of solace after all. Damn.

Starting Over...& Taking Risks

2008-11-06T03:12:00.000-08:00

A close friend of mine cried on his way home last night. After trying his luck once again on the perilous road to love. I can only commiserate and sympathize. I know how it feels. To suffer the pangs of unrequited love. Heck, not even love. Just the thought of not being given a chance.

Taking a chance is always difficult, and no one likes the sting of rejection. Even when there are so many reasons: its him, not you; it may be that he's unavailable; it may be that he needs someone else, not necessarily you; or that he has other priorities at the moment. Whatever it is, you have been rejected. And its hard not to take it personally. And you start asking yourself: what is about me that is so difficult to love? I mean what's there not to like? I remember Meredith Gray from Gray's Anatomy saying: "Choose me. Love me". As if one could beg the other person to love you.

Heck, it gets even worse. Let's say you do get lucky enough, to actually have the other person like you. Sparks fly & the music begins. Then the dance starts... trying to get to know another person once again. I have another friend who once remarked: "Its hard. Going through another round of questions. From the simple & the mundane, what's your favorite color? To the things that matter: what are your values and aspirations in life". Having to share your life history with someone, tell the same stories all over again. Tiptoeing and putting your best foot forward once more, you try to be real and honest, but not too honest else he sees how wild and unpredictable you can be, for he might get turned off & change his mind. The awkward silences, the trying to guess what the other person is thinking, to seeing if there is a future to this beginning after all. And you hope, that even if you try to present your best face; that he has the eyes, the sensitivity to see beyond, & see the holes in your mask. That he even has the interest, the real desire to get to know the real you.

Starting over sure is tough. And there are no clear instructions, no clear guidelines on how to go through it all. Some people like to play games, to take the upper hand. Someone once said that its all about who has the power in a relationship, & one has to always play it cool & not to let the other person have control over you. So you play it nonchalant, & you shrug it off, & pretend that you always have other options, not just him. I don't play games however, but have always been the girl who has her heart on her sleeve. I don't like playing it cool, for if you can't take gamble on love, what is there to risk for? Not that I am ready to play the love game once again. But just stay in the game. The one that men and women play.

So don't play it cool. Make the first move. Take a chance. Even if you do get hurt, or get humiliated, or end up being called a fool. Life is too short to have regrets. And you may never know, you could get really, really lucky after all.

Interdependence

2008-11-06T01:18:00.000-08:00

Stephen Covey defines maturity as interdependence --- this is when you need other people, & have cultivated nurturing, supportive relationships with people in your life. Independence, as compared to dependence (totally relying on others for your needs) and independence (relying on one's self). I used to see independence as the ideal, and look at myself as very self-reliant and standing on my own. This is good for awhile, for you learn to trust in yourself and in your instincts. Who to better know what's best for you than your inner voice? The older I get however, I realize how much more effective and how much more important other people are in life. I can't totally rely on myself, for I am human, & not superwoman after all. I do need friends, and family, to share my dreams & triumphs, as well as my sorrows and tears. Slowly I am learning to do this. Where once before, I would keep all my cards close to my chest, & not disclose my dreams & aspirations, I find myself sharing my goals and ambitions to people, still with a bit of trepidation, but still daring to share them nevertheless. Telling people about what makes me happy and what makes me sad, makes the experience more real somewhat. We all need witnesses to our lives, and people to share in our triumphs. I for one, am still very secretive about my problems, but have begun disclosing (& crying!) in the past year to friends, and even strangers who've become friends: about my failed marriage, my angst about finding intimacy and love. And I have begun to come out of my shell, & share with people, even with strangers, about my ambitions: joining the Triathlon, & now joining the International Contest. When once before I'd be scared to do so, for fear of having the fates play with me & snatch my fondest wishes, I dare to not believe in luck, but have faith that dreams do come true. If I earnestly try, and seek help and advice from friends. And asking for help was always one of my weaknesses. I guess I am growing up & becoming more mature after all.
And to thank God for a growing list of friends:
* Niel, whose always been there through the years. Who would have thought we'd end up being such close friends?
* Finding old friends once again (Jercyl, Jingle)
* New friends (Edmund, people at work)
* Maintaining friends (Aboitiz Toastmasters, Timbukto, Lexmark friends: Raniza, Eboy, Joan B.)
There are still other friends who I know would wish and pray for the best for me (Ateneo barkada, Toastmaster friends, other good friends). And learning to open up & find new friends along the way (Monet, Tootz, Boom, Khris, countless others)
That old song is true after all:
" People, people who need people
Are the luckiest people in the world" !!!

Leaving On A Jet Plane

2008-11-03T20:14:00.000-08:00

So many people are leaving nowadays. In the past month, I've bid goodbye to 3 friends: friend #1 (Raniza) leaving for Canada; friend #2 (Jason) leaving for Australia; and friend #3 (Ritchie) leaving for New York,USA. Its fun to attend the Despidida parties, because its a time also to meet other friends you wouldn't otherwise get to meet on a regular basis. And its a time to rekindle old memories, to reconnect and renew old bonds of friendship. Another good thing about it also is that, it doesn't really seem like goodbye. The world is getting smaller & smaller, & with the propensity for email, Multiply, Friendster & other social networking sites, its so easy to keep in touch with friends and family across the globe. So even though I feel a little bit sad seeing my friends go, I know its for the best for them & a that a new adventure awaits. I also know that its easier now to keep in touch. Plus, who knows I might get to go around the world one of these days, & what better way to do so than have a friend in each country? And perhaps, well, there is still that possibility that the future will find me leaving one of these days. It'd be another adventure to look forward to. But its the Philippines for me for now, & me being happy for my friends as they leave on to the next phase of their lives. So its au revoir my friends. Till we meet again.

An Imaginary Conversation with a Not-So-Imaginary Guy

2008-11-02T23:06:00.000-08:00

Moi: So I hear women in New York can be very aggressive & straight-forward. I was thinking...how would you like to have one last fling with a Filipina before you go? Is that forward enough for you?

Ha.ha. Only in my dreams can I be so brazen and wanton enough to make the first move. The picture above can sure be so misleading, showing something that isn't really there. It was just a fun, spur-of-the moment thing, & well, in my defense, at least I was forward enough to actually say, "hey, come over here, picture tang duha, kunwari we spent the night together!". It was his despidida party for a small gathering of friends, coz he's leaving for New York 2 days from now. It sure was another funny coincidence that we saw each other in a Toastmasters meeting Wed 2 weeks ago. And he was looking for a beach resort where he could have his despidida party. Sensing an opportunity for a romantic tryst (!), I volunteered to act as tourist guide. "Yup, I've heard of that place. I've been there. Why don't we check it out?". We even had dinner together after the meeting, at this quaint tapsilugan near Mepz2. Then it was off to the beach, for a stroll in the moonlight, just me & him together (plus the caretaker of course).
"Wow, this is so romantic! ", he says. Now was that an invitation for something more? Alas, he was not really looking at me when he said that. So, even if we did have that evening together, I could not sense any sparks flying between us, nor any hint of interest on his part. Of course, I could have made it a bit simpler, & tried any number of tricks, such as stumbling on a rock (& falling into his arms?!) perhaps. But that I felt was too cheesy. His despidida party, an overnight at the beach, came & went 2 nights later, on a Friday. I have no news to tell, I'm afraid, except for having the guts to request for a photo shot with him in the early dawn hours (hence this pic). And much as I am so tempted now to actually text him that imaginary invite above, I admit to being too chicken to make the first move. Even with our exchange of text messages yesterday & today (moi: "I just saw the pics! We look hot! (sabay smiley face na may wink!). His answer: "I second the motion".) Yup, sa buhay kong ito, hanggang ganon na lang talaga. I guess I am too much of a Maria Clara, to throw caution to the winds, yes, even when its a guy who is leaving the Phils. permanently, hence no real risk of humiliating myself coz I won't ever get to see him after this. Perhaps if he'd only exhibited a little bit of interest on his part. But then I'm a bit clueless and a bit dense to know if a guy also likes me. So I guess, this would also fall under the category: Things I wished I said/did, but did not. Kaya ako nag-iisa... 'langhiya, mag-Pa-Pasko na!

Quotable Quotes

2008-10-30T16:56:00.000-07:00

Here are some exciting, funny quotes from friends I've heard this week:

N: "I'm sorry I wasn't able to answer your text immediately, I was out having sex"

(ang taray, inggit ako!)

N: " I went out on a date with this guy and we had sex".

moi: (incredulous) "You mean you had sex on the first date!?!"

N: (matter-of-factly) "Of course !!"

(ang taray talaga ng bakla! I wish I could let go of my inhibitions that easily. Me, the penultimate ego who has to rationalize & agonize & analyze each action to bits and threds...kung ang naiisip ay naging katotohanan, I would have a vast sexual experience that would rival the Kama Sutra, nga lang sa isip ko lang lahat yon)

Ma'am Lumen: "Sir, poidi pa-pick-up ko ?"

(Kala ko na ano na, kausap lang pala DHL. But that's a funny line. Pano nga kaya kung in that context gagamitin)

Sweating...And Loving It

2008-10-30T01:37:00.000-07:00

My heart is pounding...breath coming faster and faster...sweat pouring down my face...I am in the zone...in the momentum of this exhilirating, adrenaline-driven body rush....

Nope, I wish I could tell you I was somewhere where the lights are low, the setting is private, with a well-muscled man with me. Well 1 out of 3 aint too bad, especially when its the latter part that's true. And plenty of them in fact. Well-muscled men pumping... not me, but their iron, and the setting is a gym. Yes, I have been exercising these past 2 weeks, and enjoying every minute of it. I haven't been spending my time ogling any of the men though, although in the Club Ultima gym I work out in , there are plenty of them, but I guess I'm not excited to look at men, when I know I don't look my best. After all, I'm in my sweats, hair tied in a ponytail, sans make-up. Not pick-up material at all. Besides, I'm here with a goal: to lose 10 lbs, as well as at least an inch (or two!) of belly fat. What I love about exercise though is the mental rush it gives me: my mind feels so clear, so refreshed and recharged after a work-out. And the psychological factor! Yes, exercise sure does up the endorphins...and endorphins make you happy (remember Legally Blonde!). So these are my top 2 goals for exercise, & getting to a sexier me is really just a 3rd goal or benefit that I'm after. And well, I have to admit, you kind of have to feel confident in your own skin, just in case one gets lucky & needs to shed off one's clothes for a romantic tryst...hmmm.... Go, 1-2-3...Let's get physical!

The Euphoria of Winning, The Agony of Defeat

2008-10-29T00:31:00.000-07:00

I still haven’t shared regarding my Bacolod Triathlon Experience. And I should, considering that its going to be in my top 10 events list for 2008.

1st though, it was indeed a euphoric, happy experience for me.
Winning felt good. I won the championship for the Prepared Entertaining Speech Contest Category for my “The Art of Kissing” speech. I loved how the audience immediately reacted, even at the start when the contest host introduced me & said the title of my speech. And I kept them enthralled all throughout! Nothing beats having the audience in the palm of your hand! I loved having a message, a story to tell. What I learned here is that it helps if you’re passionate about your speech topic, & I did write that speech putting in all my frustrations, dreams and desires about kissing, and the perfect kiss.

I placed 2nd runner-up in the Singing Contest (OPM) category. I really should have chosen a better song than Sarah Geronimo’s “Forever Is Not Enough”. For one thing, it wasn’t a performance song & the lesson here for me is to always think about the audience, that each performance should be something that resonates with them. But to remember also, that it should resonate with me. That song certainly holds no meaning for me now. And I had chosen it simply because I had sang it in the past, so the lesson here also is not to play it safe. As a fan of American Idol, I should have remembered Simon Cowell’s admonition each time: “Song choice, song choice!”

I did not place at all in the 1st contest, the Impromptu Speech Category, which was expected. I had prepared for that quotation though: “If you know where you stand, then you’ll know where you’re going”. So I really could have done better. & to think Grace, past District Impromptu champion said that I had started with a strong opening…I really should have followed it up strong & closed it superbly. The lesson here is for me to practice, practice, and practice table topics. I do not believe I deserve the DTM norm because I have not mastered the art of speaking off the cuff as of yet. But, as Khris often points out, “Do the thing you fear, the death of fear is certain.” So I will definitely answer each Table Topic question I hear in each Toastmaster meeting from hereon.

Still, even with the disappointment of having the title District Champion (it was so easily within my reach!!!)- I’ve been mentally beating myself up over this the past 2 weeks! I shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that I still won though, as 1st runner-up overall in the Triathlon. The 3 impressive Bacolod mask trophies is a pretty visually strong statement, & sure look good amongst my other Toastmasters trophies. So, even if its 1st-runner (again!), I still won! And I did win the guy after all!

He Makes Me Dizzy!

2008-10-28T23:37:00.000-07:00

Girlfriend!
He actually called me that! Uh,oh…so where is this leading to? Still, this is one of the few times that I’m not going to analyze anything but just feel….And it sure does feel good! I am just so happy, & relish this time once again, to have someone to talk to, & feel so cherished! He calls me up at least once a day; there have been times when he’s called morning, lunchtime, afternoon & in the evening. Sunny nights mean talking on the phone from 11pm to past 1 in the morning. I have always been the schoolgirl type – I love being giddy like this. And he just says the most romantic, appropriate things! Not mushy at all, but he is just so witty! We get to talk about deep philosophical things, & yet the silly things too! Being wanted and appreciated like this, being made to feel like a woman is just so great! I guess, what I so enjoy about this, is that aside, from him making me feel so much a woman, is that I had missed how it feels to be present to someone. To be asked how my day was, to know that at a certain hour, someone would call me, just to say hello.

(from Mamma Mia!) if you remember the character’s face as she sings this, this is totally how I feel at the moment…

“Honey honey, how you thrill me, ah-hah, honey honey

Honey honey, nearly kill me, ah-hah, honey honey

I'd heard about you before I wanted to know some more

And now I know what they mean, you're a love machine

Oh, you make me dizzy

You look like a movie star (You look like a movie star)

But I know just who you are (I know just who you are)

And, honey, to say the least, you're a dog-gone beast

So stay on the ground, girl, you better not get too high

There's no other place in this world where I rather would be

Honey honey, how you thrill me, ah-hah, honey honey

Honey honey, nearly kill me, ah-hah, honey honey

I heard about you before I wanted to know some more

And now I know what they mean, you're a love machine

oh, you make me dizzy “
I have no expectations for this, given our current situation & all. There’s this scene in the movie, “The Mirror Has Two Faces” where Barbra Streisand talks about a courtly love. It’s a love that’s as amorous as they come, sans the sex. A part of me just wants to continue all this flirting, of the promise of things to come, to just be in the moment & not to have to complicate it with the baser things like sex…

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

2008-10-24T00:19:00.000-07:00

"I don't know about tomorrow, but I know who holds my hand".

I cried last night as I had dinner with two really good friends. They made me see how things do work out for the best. In this day and age when men can be so callous & unkind, it gives me hope that there is still redemption for all mankind, seeing that there are still men like Eboy. Men who do know how to honor commitments and truly love their woman. Such a love, such integrity in a man, does exist after all. I have very low expectations of men, at this point in my life. I do like them, & the attention they give me, but think them incapable of honesty, or depth of feeling and emotion. So I just feel and enjoy and be in the moment. But then last night, I realized how unfair it is to generalize all men. There are still the very few, who seek commitment and have patience, who do not succumb to temptation & are not subservient to their physical desires but have a conscience after all. And what to say of Raniza? To finally find love after all the trials and tribulations she must have gone through. To have found love in a foreign land, after a long drought of waiting. To have managed to stay sane & to be so giving to others, to have remained cheerful, never vindictive, vengeful or hardened, after having been disappointed and broken up by love. Both of them are truly diamonds. In a life where I dance with the devil, & succumb to temptations & sins of the flesh, these two are Angels sent from heaven to give me their message: that being good does have its rewards.
Now, its up to me to sit up, listen and take heed.

COLD REALITIES

2008-10-22T00:41:00.000-07:00

Just in case you think all I have in mind is love and men, I guess I indulge myself in these flights of fancy to escape from cold reality. As a single parent to 2 kids, life gets to be a daily grind most times of surviving and trying to make ends meet. For a close-up look at the realities I face, there is no better way to quantify this than to give you a picture of my monthly (forecasted) expenses:

3.5K: son’s tuition
2.5K: daughter’s tuition
2K: life insurance monthly premium
2.5K: credit card payment
10K: groceries
900: daughter’s schoolbus
2K: transportation (me,kids)
500: medicines,vitamins
2K: Yaya

2K; my food & my allowance

1K: Family R & R

2K: investment (Club Ultima)

2K: coop savings
32,900 TOTAL

And these are just the forecasted expenses. So it’s a wonder why I still have time & money sometimes for the little things, like eating out, celebrating or gimiks with friends, outings with family, manicure & pedicure at the parlor, etc.

Still, there are so many others with so little so I guess even with all my monthly expenses, I still feel blessed.

SUNNY NIGHTS

2008-10-20T03:43:00.000-07:00

Thank goodness for Sun! Unlimited texts and unlimited calls. Calling me 2-3 times a day, texting, emailing. Talking on the phone for hours on end. Any self-respecting woman would just swoon! And I have to admit, I am not immune to his charms. Although I have to admit to having second thoughts. I know I’ve been hemming and hawing and complaining about how all the men I’ve been meeting lately, of how they lack this attribute or that, & how I would not want to settle…prompting a close friend to exhort in disgust, “ You sure have high standards for a one-night stand !!!”. Well, for one thing, I wouldn’t want it to be over & done with in just a night! After all, he wouldn’t even be worth it if he could slake his thirst for me in just one night, that one night should make him want for more! I hate the thought of how women have to work so hard to keep their men, not unlike Sheherazade of the famous Arabian Nights, who had to weave a story each night to keep her husband the Sultan Shahyar from executing her. Imagine keeping that up, not just for a puny one night stand, but for a thousand and one nights! Idol! I wonder if it really took just stories… but then there are a number of ways to tell a story, & my imagination tells me she must have done more than that, for the language of touch & of body language can sure speak volumes! And yet, imagine how long it took for the sultan to fall in love with her & see the error of his ways! A thousand and one nights! Men! If it were me, perhaps I would have ended up executing the sultan after all. With an icepick ala Sharon Stone! Which I guess brings me back to the crux of the matter. I know me, & my passions and desires and wants and needs and hopes and dreams would not be satisfied, with the mere pursuit of pleasure for pleasure’s sake. If it came to that, I believe it was the ST Queen Amanda who so succinctly put it, “I have yet to meet a man who does better than my hands”. So, again, it comes to this, ok fine, I did get to meet this fabulous guy after all, but do I really want to settle for just sex? Not that I am ready for love and commitment and the angst and pangs that love brings. But shouldn’t there be at least romance? Not just a physical attraction but an emotional connection as well. A meeting of minds, of kindred spirits longing for that elusive bond, even if it just be for so short a time. Love calls for a melding of souls. I would not wish for that, but I would certainly yearn, AND NEED for an understanding of sorts. How trite that sounds: a mutual understanding. But it is so true, for I would want him to understand me, and me understand him. If forever is so elusive a goal to hanker for & certainly something I definitely am not ready for, can I at least have my Mr. In The Meantime?

Ang Sex Kasama si Paolo

2008-10-17T01:53:00.000-07:00

Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay parang isang gabing nadapa ako, naligaw, nawala, umabot ng tatlong taon ang paghahanap sa bahay, at sa pagwawakas nito ay nakauwi ako.

Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay parang tatlong taong pagkain ng fastfood araw-araw at isang araw sa pag-uwi ko ay may mainit na tinolang manok na lutong bahay.

Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay ang paglalakad sa gabi na may bagyo at pag-uwi ko ay may mainit na sinigang sa mesa.

Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay parang paggising ko sa 18th birthday ko na alam kong wala akong party pero dadating ang mga kaibigan ko na nag-request pala ng party kasama ang staff ng Wish ko Lang.

Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay parang pagkatapos kong sumubok mag-bake pero nasunog ang cake. Pero dumating ang tatay ko na may dalang blueberry cheesecake.

Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay parang pagkatapos kong manood ng A Walk in the Clouds at pagkalabas ko ng bahay ay nandoon si Keanu Reeves at inaya akong apakan ang mga ubas. O parang pagkatapos kong umiyak si pelikulang City of Angels, binigyan ako ng tsansang baguhin ang istorya; o kaya para ding pagkatapos kong manood ng Somewhere in Time, sinabihan akong sa part two ay wala na ang coin sa bulsa ng lalaki. Para rin itong pagkatapos kong manood ng Sweet November, at nakatanggap ako ng balitang magagamot na ng pagmamahal ang kahit na sinong terminally ill.

Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay parang kapag naririnig ko ang kantang "Panalangin" ng Apo para akong dinuduyan ng malamig na boses sa hangin.

Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay parang kapag bente na lang ang pera mong panghapunan at nagpagkasya ko sa dalang pera ang isaw, rice at Coke.

Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay parang kapag nadiskubre kong ako pa lang ang nakakakita ng pink na itlog ng lalaki. Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay parang pagtanggap ng diploma pagkatapos bumagsak ng limang beses sa College Algebra.

Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay ang makita ang sarili kong nagluluwal ng apat na maliliit na Paolo.

Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay ang pagputi ng buhok at siya pa ring ang kasama ko.

Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay ang pag-upo sa tumba-tumba at kahit matanda na ay nakahilig pa rin ako sa braso niya. (Ni Sabel Prado)
**********************************************************************************88
Sayet, wala akong Paolo.

Sense & Sensibility

2008-10-17T01:29:00.000-07:00

Ok, at this point in my life. I am so torn between giving in to my senses or applying a little bit of sensibility. I so want to.... but this distance is giving me the luxury of having second thoughts.....
Anyway, I saw the movie Sense & Sensibility last Monday, & I cried the tears that I was not able to shed over the weekend. The movie's plot does not really apply to my situation right now, but the movie's title so aptly describes my dilemma right now.
*****************************
Fanny: I am the soul of discretion.
*****************************
Mrs. Dashwood: Why so grave? You disapprove her choice?
Marianne: By no means. Edward is very amiable.
Mrs. Dashwood: Amiable? But?
Marianne: There is something wanting. He's too sedate. His reading last night...
Mrs. Dashwood: Elinor has not your feelings. His reserve suits her.
Marianne: Can he love her? Can the soul be really be satisfied with such polite affections? To love is to burn - to be on fire, like Juliet or Guinevere or Eloise...
Mrs. Dashwood: They made rather pathetic ends, dear.
Marianne: Pathetic? To die for love? How can you say so? What could be more glorious?
Mrs. Dashwood: I think that would be taking your romantic sensibilities a little far.
******************************
Edward Ferrars: My heart is, and always will be, yours.
**********************************
Elinor Dashwood: Did he tell you he loved you?
Marianne: Yes... no. Never absolutely. It was everyday implied but never declared.
******************************************
Elinor Dashwood: I do not attempt to deny that I think very highly of him - that I greatly esteem him... I like him.
Marianne: Esteem him? Like him? Use those insipid words again and I shall leave the room this instant.
*****************************************
Edward Ferrars: Your friendship has been the most important of my life.
Elinor Dashwood: You will always have it.
***********************************
Marianne: Always resignation and acceptance. Always prudence and honour and duty. Elinor, where is your heart?
Elinor Dashwood: What do you know of my heart? What do you know of anything but your own suffering. For weeks, Marianne, I've had this pressing on me without being at liberty to speak of it to a single creature. It was forced on me by the very person whose prior claims ruined all my hope. I have endured her exultations again and again whilst knowing myself to be divided from Edward forever. Believe me, Marianne, had I not been bound to silence I could have provided proof enough of a broken heart, even for you.
*************************************
Elinor Dashwood: Whatever his past actions, whatever his present course... at least you may be certain that he loved you.
Marianne: But not enough. Not enough.
*****************************************************
Marianne: Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds. Or bends with the remover to remove. Oh no! It is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken. Willoughby. Willoughby. Willoughby.
****************************************************
Elinor Dashwood: You have no confidence in me.
Marianne: This reproach from you. You who confide in no-one.
Elinor Dashwood: I have nothing to tell.
Marianne: Nor I. Neither of us have anything to tell. I because I conceal nothing and you because you communicate nothing.
*******************************************
Marianne: Did you see him? He expressed himself well, did he not?
Mrs. Dashwood: With great decorum and honour.
Marianne: And spirit and wit and feeling!
Elinor: And economy, 10 words at most.
****************************
Marianne: Is love a fancy or a feeling... or a Ferrars?
*************************
Elinor Dashwood: Mama, [deep sigh]
Elinor Dashwood: is there a painful difference between the expectation of an unpleasant event and its final certainty.

101 Stories

2008-10-08T04:52:00.001-07:00

I'm reviewing all the stories in my life, in preparation for the Triathlon Impromptu Contest.
So here's to writing different stories/mini-speeches for each life theme:

SORROW/HARDSHIPS (well this was my failed Impromptu speech: I did not place, but Division C Impromptu gurus did approach me afterwards saying I was their no.1 & they did not understand why I did not place)
I CAN''T SLEEP ! Ladies & gentlemen, fellow Toastmasters & friends, for the past month & a half, I have not had the luxury of having a good night's rest. & I wish I could tell you that it was because I had a handsome, well-muscled man in my bed at night keeping me awake. Well, the culprit in question is indeed male, he's 8 years old, he's my son & he's afflicted with autism. Autism is a neurological condition that impacts social interaction & communication skills. It is a growing worldwide epidemic that affects 1 out of 150 children. I have long questioned why this burden was placed on me, but I have accepted this. For after all, this is my son. Its been difficult yes, but my son has also taught me so much. He has taught me to cherish life & live it to the fullest, to explore all my talents, join speech contests such as these. For in life, its not what happens to you that determines how far you will go, but what you do with what happens to you.

HAPPINESS/JOY/EXCELLENCE:
"So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing" --- I have always loved to sing. Many of my friends, especially in Toastmasters, know that. I even joined the Triathlon just so I could be granted the opportunity to sing before an audience. Many of my happiest moments were spent onstage: singing in musicals, acting on stage & joining(&winning!) in singing contests. What I love most about singing however is that it summarizes my general approach & philosophy to everything life throws my way. I believe I can handle anything as long as I have a song in my heart & a tune in my lips.
The famous management guru, Jack Welch, was once asked in one of his seminars: "If he had to choose between an employee who was the most competent in his staff, but who had difficulty getting along with others; & one other employee who was unskilled but who was a positive, enthusiastic person who would he choose? Jack Welch said: In a heartbeat, I would choose the last employee, because he has the passion & heart of a learner. Fellow Toastmasters, passion/joy is what separates the best from the average. So be passionate & enthusiastic about your life. After all, even with all its sham, drudgery & broken dreams, it is still a very beautiful world. Contest Host...

EXCELLENCE/WORK:
" Heigh ho, heigh ho, its off to work I go"-- Ladies & gentlemen, fellow Toastmasters & friends, do you sing when you are on your way to work? Well, you should try it sometime. Me, I have always loved to sing -- & yes, I do sing when I'm on my way to work.

You Don't Know Me

2008-10-07T22:38:00.000-07:00

Ay leche! Ang kantang 'to ay para sa mga lalaki sa buhay ko na wala naman talaga sa buhay ko. Para kay Linus, na di na sumulat pagkatapos kong ipagtapat na may dalawa na akong anak. Para kay Jimboy, na "may moments" sana kami pero nakuha ng iba. Para kay Jay, at kay Bordz, parehong nagpapa-cute pero di naman magawang yayain ako ng tuluyan na lumabas man lang (aba, alangan naman ke-babae kong tao, ako pa ang magtatanong). Para kay Dennis, na nagawa ko ngang tanungin, pero di naman ako tinanggap ng tuluyan. Siguro, higit sa lahat, para ito kay Tolits, na kung naging matinong lalaki sana ay hindi ako magkaka-ugaga ng ganito.
Hindi ko lubos maisip kung ano pa. Hindi ko alam kung nahihiya lang sila sa akin. O di kaya, napapatigil lang sa sitwasyon ko. Hindi ko naman hiniling na magka-relasyon, may makausap lang at makilala sana. At kung napapaisip kayo kung bakit ang daming pangngalan ang nabanggit ko, hindi talaga madami. Isang malakang kawalan nga eh. Pero nasa kanila talaga ang malaking kawalan at di man lang nila ako nakilala ng lubusan. Kahit isang sayaw lang.

"You give your hand to me
& Then you said hello
I can hardly speak
My heart is beating so
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well
But you don't know me

No, you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
And longs to hold you tight
Oh I'm just a friend
That's all I've ever been
'Cause you don't know me

I never knew The art of making love
Though my heart aches With love for you
Afraid and shy I've let my chance to go by
The chance that you might Love me, too

You give your hand to me
And then you say good-bye
I watch you walk away Beside the lucky girl
You'll never never know The one who loves you so
Well, you don't know me".

Oh Solitudine

2008-10-03T22:00:00.000-07:00

Winning the Triathlon Speech Contest felt great last Sunday. However it would have infinitely been better had I someone to share my personal success with. I had no Jerry MacGuire to share it with. I say that because I remember the last scene in Jerry Macguire, where after the football game where his sole talent had his defining moment on the field, he called his wife, Renee Zelwegger to share his success with. & remember how he rushed home to say that famous line: "You complete me.". Well that would have made my success complete I guess. But then we can't have everything. So, I'm still very happy with the win nevertheless.

I guess this just reminded me of my state right now. A friend of mine, just recently was vaccillating between complicated & single in his Friendster status. Well, I can't totally put a definite mark on my current state of affairs now. I definitely am happy not being married & attached. I relish the peace & the solitude & freedom I have hard-won & sought for so long. Still, there are moments that I would so long for the strength to be held in a man's arms....

So for now, this is my song...Oh Solitudine...

Oh God I hope I'm wrong But I'm not feeling very strong
I've been so up and down so sad So happy, feeling good and bad
I'm young I'm old I laugh I cry
I tell the truth but that's a lie
I've been so in and out so wild
So well behaved so pure defiled
oh solitudine That word I hate to say
And no I was not crazy to do what we did
I even wish I'd been a bit more crazy still
And kept a little more of him to see me through
He loved me all he could I never had my fill
And then I'm back inside my room he knows so well
I feel again the way he moved I take it slow
I talk to him and he becomes a part of me
And then I know he'll never let the summer go
Oh God I hope I'm right I won't give in without a fight
And I can take the words they throw At me
for none of them could know
That we had something very few
Will ever find their whole life through
I wouldn't change a single day Although the price I have to pay
is solitudine The loneliness is tearing me apart
It tears me up it pull me down and then
It wraps around my heart oh solitudine
Does he remember all he said to me
I've been so up and down so sad
So happy feeling good and bad
I'm young I'm old I laugh I cry I tell the truth but that's a lie
I've been so in and out so wild
So well behaved so pure defiled oh solitudine

Sex is not a 4-Letter Word

2008-09-30T05:24:00.000-07:00

It was a dark and rainy night. As I drowsily prepared myself for bed in my negligee,
I turned to my special someone to bestow a goodnight kiss.
When, all my senses were suddenly aroused… by this one, not so innocent question…

“Mama, what is sex?”
It was my 7 year old daughter, imploringly looking up at me, as I was tucking her to sleep.

Thus comes the time every parent dreads. All the Table topics questions in the world, all the Toastmasters meetings, all the speech contests, could not have prepared me for the anxiety of this moment. I had to think of an answer…and fast!

“Well, you already know where babies come from. From the stomachs of mommies. Well, sex is what happens so the baby gets there in the first place. But you don’t have to worry about it. Only BIG boys and girls when they grow up & become men and women, only then do they have sex.” I so desperately wanted to end the discussion right then & there.

But with the natural inquisitiveness (& stubbornness!) of a child, she persisted:
“Do people like to have sex?”

Quite reluctantly, I replied. “Well, yes, it feels good so people like to do it”

“You mean, like eating ice cream!”.

‘Yes, except sex is hot, not cold”. Oh golly gee, I could have kicked myself for saying that.
Stupefied at what I’d blurted out, my mind blanked & flickered back to the past.
I was 14 years old, & I had just asked my mom that same old question.
Did she also look as terror-stricken as I did now?

What I do remember though is my Mom, a staunch conservative, telling me…
“Sex is something only married couples do. The best gift you can give your husband is that of being the first.” Heavy! Only my mom could talk about sex & virginity in one sentence.
Still, even at that tender age of 14, something inside me rebelled at the thought.
Being 1st should not be the best gift, me being anyone’s wife should be!

And to think I followed her advice to the letter. There I was, at 25, a quarter of a century old!
It was the end of the millennium, & people were frightened of the Y2K bug.
Me, I was more scared of bigger, more important things.
What if the world ended, & I would die… a virgin!
And so, I met this man, & we were both the first for each other, we even got married!
No, Mom. Older & wiser now, I can say: “You were wrong. It’s not about being first.
Being the last is the best gift.”

Perhaps its time for us to face all the myths & misconceptions we’ve been bombarded with about sex. Why the taboo, the hesitation to talk about sex. Not with our children, coz that will always be awkward. But hey we’re all mature adults here. So let’s talk about sex. We shouldn’t cringe to talk about something so basic. After all, you wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for sex.

Sex shouldn’t be seen as something dirty. Perhaps that’s why sex is supposed to put us in a setting where we are naked, as the day we were born. Because it’s supposed to be innocent.

So here’s my take on sex. & being a Psychology major, I’d like to explain it using Maslow’s hierarchy of needs:

1st: sex is physiological: it’s a need. Simple as that. Talk about spontaneous combustion, of fire & perspiration, of a feel-good wrestling under the sheets kind of thing. Sex is a need as basic as food, water & air. Most guys though get stuck in this stage.

Not for me. My sexual fantasy is to meet this really fabulous guy & as we are kissing each other (told you it was a fantasy!), I’d say: “I’m sorry, I don’t believe in one night stands”. & he’d tell me, “Babe, don’t worry, we’ll still be doing this for many nights to come. & I promise you, we won’t be doing much standing…” a steamy kissing scene follows & the camera shoots upward.. As it always does in the movies…!)

Back to Maslow. 2nd: Sex means safety. That should make us laugh. For nowadays, sex is FAR from safe. What with AIDS, STDs & multiple partners. Following Maslow’s model though, sex would mean doing it to feel secure. & well, to a certain extent, having someone to hold you tight, even if it’s just for a brief moment, can indeed lull you into a false sense of security.

3rd, sex is a social need. This is when you have sex, just to "have somebody get you through the night" (sing line from "Way Back Into Love"). Sex is better after all, when done with a friend. Talk about friends with benefits!

We should not forget though, that sex can & SHOULD fulfill higher needs.
Maslow’s last 2 higher levels are self-esteem & self-actualization.
& this is where we see the difference between sex and making love.

4th,Sex is about self-esteem. Sex shouldn’t be something that demeans you. It should be about respecting the other person, but most of all, sex should also be about respecting yourself. I don’t know if you’ve found yourself at a time when you just need to get out of that sexual relationship because you start losing yourself.

Lastly, sex is self-actualization. It’s about finding and becoming the best person you were meant to be. It’s about finding that one person & saying, “You complete me”. And isn’t that what sex essentially is. Sex should be about finally, finding someone to fill up that emptiness inside you (literally as well as figuratively).

So perhaps, that is how I would explain sex to my daughter, WHEN she turns 14.

And hope she wouldn’t ask me any more hard sex questions…like…
Should sex only be done within the confines of marriage?
Even I wouldn’t touch that speech topic with a 10-foot pole.
I’ll leave that for TM Jovy to answer. TM of the Evening/Contest Host….

Lowenstein

2008-08-04T02:07:00.000-07:00

To the limited readers of this blog (well, I can only count the few of you in the fingers of one hand, seeing that I started this blog as an online journal for my eyes only), there's only one who knows Jobert. One other reason why I was depressed last June was that I had just learned that he’s now happily married & as of last week, his wife had just given birth to their first child. In my depression over my failed marriage, I wanted to cry out against the injustice of it all. I was always the one, in college, who people would say, 10-15 years into the future, would be happily married, with a litter of kids. And given how volatile and how wary of commitment he is, Jobert would be the one still living the unattached life. The stark reality of it all, is that we find the opposite to be true. And I could just rail at the injustice of it.

He was my Lowenstein. From the book “The Prince of Tides”, or the movie of the same title, Lowenstein is the movie character Barbra Streisand, but Lowenstein also stands for that elusive, wished for alternative to the life one is leading right now. The story ends with that poignant scene where the main character is happy & contented with his life, yes, but sometimes, in the dusk of each day; this is what he says: “At the end of every day I drive through the city of Charleston and I cross the bridge that will take me home. I feel the words building inside me, I can't stop them, or tell you why I say them, but as I reach the top of the bridge these words come to me in a whisper. I say these words as a prayer, as regret, as praise, I say: Lowenstein, Lowenstein”.

In the early years of my marriage, when even then, I slowly came to realize my miserable state of existence; at the deepest, darkest moments, I would escape it all by indulging in this flight of fancy, of thinking of him. Of Lowenstein & a romance that never got off the ground. Know that saying that goes when you look back at your life, oftentimes what you regret are the things that you did not do? I can so relate this with him. The irony & utter tragedy of it all, is that I don’t think he ever really knew how much he meant to me, of how much I cared for him. We never even kissed!!!

And now I have to let him go. I am happy for him, don’t get me wrong. Its just that I am sad for me.

The Finger Without a Ring

2008-07-17T03:15:00.000-07:00

I was actually feeling depressed during my 35th birthday. I am the sort who usually does one
big thing to commemorate one's birthday, such as having fireworks during my 30th. Or writing my Last Will & Testament on my 31st bday. Well the 35th sounds like such a solid, round number. My big action for this birthday was to take off my wedding ring. It was a difficult thing to do actually, & I never realized how much I had depended on having a wedding ring around my finger. I realize that several times throughout the day, I actually touch my wedding ring, & have become used to wearing it, in the same way that I have become accustomed to wearing a watch. I'd practically feel naked if I don't have my watch around my wrist. So maybe in spite of the hardships & turmoil of marriage, I have become accustomed after all to being married. Perhaps psychologically, being married made me feel secure. Marital status does define one's concept in life, for after meeting someone, aside from asking the name, the profession, one is usually asked after all if one is married or single.

Which is why I was depressed during my birthday, because accepting the finality of a failed marriage meant a loss of identity, after all. Its true that my husband was with his faults (which I will enumerate later), but having a partner (although he was not in the real sense, a life partner, after all, because I never felt as extremely lonely in my entire life as I did when I was married). Still, the thought of being married had a certain landmark event attached to it, of reaching a certain stage in one's life. And having that taken away, or accepting the end of it, meant such an abject loss for me. So I kept thinking that here I am in my mid-thirties, & I have a failed marriage behind me. And the thought of failing at such a momentous, important venture, a marriage, was too much to bear. But accept it I have to, so I can move on.

So just to console myself & make it easier for me to move on, I think its time for me to list down why ending my marriage was the best, viable option for me. And in so doing, help others understand. So here goes:
I am glad that my marriage ended because:

1. I am no longer afraid to hear our main house door open late at night (I never realized until he left, how much I cringe inside each time I hear the door open, signalling the fact that he is home & I should watch out & be on my toes. For the 1st few months after he left, I'd still catch myself be physically startled,each time the door opens.

2. Similarly, I am no longer as afraid to hear heavy footsteps on the floor. Like last night I was sleeping, & I was woken up at mid-dawn to hear heavy footsteps in the room. I was roused from sleep, feeling afraid because I was reminded of my husband being in the room, only to find with relief that it was my sister rummaging in my closet, apparently to look for something coz she had a dawn flight to catch.

3. I can now stop limiting myself from self-improvement pursuits, such as finishing & getting my Doctorate degree or joining contests, or be in leadership positions, or Toastmasters, & such. He had expressed in the past that if I become more skilled, or "higher" than him, that I wouldn't want to be with him.

4. I no longer have to live in an environment where I have someone who verbally abuses me, & calls me names, & makes me feel so small & incompetent.

5. I no longer have to see him spanking & physically hurting my son.

6. I no longer have to feel like a prostitute. I often feel that prostitutes even have it better, because even though they put up with someone they find repulsive, they still get paid. A lot of hype is being said about marital rape, but it doesn't really feel like rape, because there is no physical violence or anything dramatic that happens. Its just that women just go along, with consenting to have sex with their partners, because saying no is not really an option. Its easier to just go along with it, rather than to have to fight & put up with the recriminations that can last for days, because you didn't want to have sex.

7. I no longer have to make excuses as to why I have to be the one to financially support my kids.

8. I can be myself. Me!!!!

9. I can be beautiful once again, wear whatever I like, & be sexy. I can have a manicure, without having to hide my fingernails so he woudn't see that I had colored nails. He would often say that I go through all these things, which should be "normal" routine for any woman, so I could snag more men.

10. I can go home anytime I want.

11. I can go out with friends. I can even have friends!

12. I can sleep in peace, without being woken up in the middle of the night, & not have to "service" him. The stark reality of it which I found deplorable, is that I already have to work my ass off during the day, to support my family, yet I still had to do it in bed. It wouldn't do to just lie down, but I was required to "perform".

13. I now sing! Music was such an important part of my life. I used to be the sort to sing anywhere & anytime, from waiting for jeepneys, to walking as I go along my way. Its only been in the past months, that I've realized that all the years I'd been married, that I'd forgotten to sing. My heart was so heavy that the music had died down within me. I realized this because just recently,I found myself singing along to a tune in the radio, & I was startled to find myself doing it. It was like finding myself all over again.

14. I no longer have to tell people that I'm ok.

15. I can write in my diary again. I had stopped writing, which for me is as natural a part of me as singing. I had found myself, in the early years of my marriage, that writing down each time I got hurt, only made it worse. Now I have so many joyful, happy events in my life to write about.

16. I can be successful in my career. I earnestly believe, that I would have been a manager sooner, if not for him. I could have focused more, excelled more, worked harder more, had it not been for the distractions of marriage.

17. I can allow myself to be emotionally close to my family once again. I am a very private person, & even my family knows that I can "live in my own world". But I have distanced myself from them all this time. Its difficult to share my pain on something that I had willingly decided & put myself into. And admit that I made a mistake, after all.

And there are so many reasons more...

Barring any accidents, or God's will for my life, I sincerely expect to live for at least another 35 years more. I may be feeling a bit low & "grieving" at this point in my life, but the future does look very promising for me. A future filled with limitless possibilities....of dreaming and carrying on....

So yes, I will certainly become accustomed to NOT having a ring around that finger.

Niel's Condo: A Haven

2008-06-25T03:05:00.001-07:00

Was able to meet up with Niel last week & he showed me his last pictures of his Malate condo.
I guess everyone does get to move on. Just wanted to say that in the many times when I've stayed in Malate, in Niel's condo, it has been like a haven to me:
* a place where I rediscovered my love for reading (its been sometime since I've had the luxury to laze the day away with a book, & Niel's place was like a library = I devoured one book after another!)
* where I could sleep uninterrupted (a luxury for me!)
* where I felt so free and independent (there's something about the Manila air that makes me feel so sexy & beautiful!)
* where I could talk to my bestest friend in the whole wide world! while eating the yummiest sisig at Gilligan's Island!
* a heartbeat away from Divisoria shopping! (& where I could take a breather after buying so much stuff!)

* a place for adventures (& misadventures!)

* a stop-over place where I seemed to be coming & going to different life-changing events
* a place where I could be myself
Mushy though it may sound, there is this old song that so aptly describes what I feel about Niel's condo:
"There are places I remember, all my life, though times have changed. Some forever, not for better, some are gone, & some remain. All these places have there moments, with people & things, I still can recall..."
It was a real haven to me, when I needed a place where I could run to. Niel's Condo.

THE ART OF KISSING

2008-02-29T23:23:00.000-08:00

(I wrote this speech on the evening of Valentines, & gave it to an audience of Toastmasters for a speech contest two days later = I was the test speaker for the evaluation contest...& did receive glowing evaluations, no kisses though)

THE ART OF KISSING

(sings) "What's in a kiss? Have you ever wondered just what it is? More perhaps than just a moment of bliss. Tell me what's in a kiss?"

In this day & age of meaningless sex, & an endless parade of one-night stands, with the sexual revolution won, we hanker back to the utter simplicity & sweet poignancy, of ...the kiss.

Perhaps because I didn't get to kiss anyone this Valentines... So let me indulge in this fantasy, a very tame one at that. Yup, that's what girls(& women!) sometimes dream about....kissing! Unlike men, who dream about so much more. So let's go back to the basics, & talk about...kissing!

What is kissing after all? It is more than just two lips meeting each other halfway. No! A kiss, holds such magnitude & power. One simple kiss can take away all hurts, such as when a mother kisses her child's scraped knees. One kiss can spark the beginning of a beautiful love story, for a man & a woman, out on their first date, a question in the eyes..."Is he or isn't he going to kiss me?". Oh, the thrill & anticipation of waiting for that first kiss!

Do you remember Drew Barrymore in the movie,"50 First Dates", saying "Nothing beats a first kiss". Like Sleeping Beauty awakened by a kiss, each girl, each woman, each time, finds perhaps that she has been asleep all along, waiting for life to start. & with one passionate kiss, all her emotions & desires are aroused. With one kiss, begins a future of limitless possibilities.

Even in an institution as conservative & as timid as the Church, I find it a bit hilarious, that the wedding ceremony ends, with that old santimonious priest, who really doesn't know anything about life's baser instincts, saying that much anticipated, familiar line: "You may now kiss the bride". Isn't it appropriate that a lifetime of forever begins with that first wedding kiss? What fitting way to bind a lifelong commitment, than to seal it...with a kiss?

We even see the enormity of a kiss, for even in history, the greatest person who ever lived, Jesus, even he was betrayed by Judas, his friend, with a kiss! Yes, truly nothing stings as much, or is a heartbreakingly felt, in any romantic relationship gone stale, as the lackluster quality, of a prefunctory, obligatory kiss.

I was all of 18 when I received my first kiss. & to think it took my first boyfriend, 3 months of going steady, before he finally kissed me! But it was definitely worth the wait! I could share with you all the juicy details...but then...I don't kiss and tell.

I learned the art of kissing, not from fumbling boys nor from dashing,skilled gentlemen,but from a more mundane sort..from books! Yup, I believe all women, at one time or another,but most probably in high school, had spent many an afternoon poring over Mills & Boon,Silhouette or Sweet Valley High romances. Now learning the art of kissing from romance pocketbooks is not as miserable as it sounds. You can learn a lot, why the kissing part is some romance novels sometimes lasts up to 2 pages! Imagine! Why, I hear, for most men, making love doesn't even last for 2 minutes!

So my advice, for you men out there, is that you should do more reading! But since I know most men are not too fond of reading, my advice is...the next time you're in a bar, order a vodka, & practice your kissing skills the old-fashioned way, by learning to tie a cherry stem into a knot, using your tongue!

Of course, for most women, this saying is most often true. "Before you find your handsome Prince, be prepared to kiss a lot of frogs". I can still count the number of boys, & men I've kissed, on the fingers of one hand...(counts/ticks of each finger)..ok,two hands. See, just a lucky seven! So in my humble opinion, & that of my girlfriends, is that a lot of men don't know how to kiss.

On one hand, you have the date, who's too much of a gentleman, & asks for a kiss at the end of the date. How unromantic! A real man should know when a woman wants to be kissed! So don't ask, only fools ask for permission.
Neither does this mean that men should be aggressive. Sweeping a woman off her feet doesn't mean acting like a caveman & grabbing for her lips. A real man, who knows how to kiss a woman for the very first time, should know this: You go 90% of the distance: stop. & let her meet you for the 10% left, which she will if she wants to be kissed!

The perfect kiss...is slooow...explorative....and real. And as Toastmasters who love to talk, you should all find this very amusing...there should be a conversation within a kiss! Such as...I like you, do you like me! Oh yes,definitely yes..More?..more!...Oh yes!

And,for a kiss to be lip-smacking good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips do finally touch, you feel it everywhere. Not just on your lips but all the way down to your toes...A kiss so right, it makes you lift up your foot, & let's you see fireworks, even with your eyes closed. A kiss, so hot, & so deep..you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me you don't want to. Coz when you find the perfect person,for that first kiss, its everything.

So how about you? Do remember your first kiss with the one you love?

(sings: from the Disney movie "Enchanted") "I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss, & a prince I'm hoping comes with this. So for a lifetime of endless bliss, just find who you love, through true love's kiss".

Clarity in 2008

2008-02-20T19:33:00.000-08:00

CLARITY IN 2008
So here are my goals for the year (see how many you can match with the symbols in my dream collage for 2008.
* Travel:explore going to Canada for the Toastmasters Intl Convention in August; or spent a wintery Xmas in the States
* Work: Make a difference in the new section I'm heading; explore new notes/look for new jobs
* Financial: Save money
* Social: have coffee & bond with my friends = have at least one bonding moment with a friend(a true moment!) at least once a month
* Talents: Talk! Find opportunities & have more speaking engagements.
* Jane Austen Book Club: Read a classic novel every 2 months.
* Mother: spend time with my kids, be a parent & spend time teaching China & explore more therapies with Miguel
* Wife: Endure (or hang myself!)
* Physical: Eat right! Lose pounds in the process!
* Spiritual: Ensure a quiet time for myself, for reflection at least once every week.Write in my blog.
* Life in general: Explore more opportunities to experience more in life! Reach for the stars. This is also the year where I should revisit my mission & vision statements & do long term planning (not just my annual goals). Be more specific about things I'd like to achieve, and happen in the next 5,10,15 years....
Do all these to achieve clarity, & thus happiness & serenity in life.
Not too much to ask for 2008 right?

2007: A Bittersweet Year

2008-01-30T21:21:00.000-08:00

2007: A Bittersweet Year
Bittersweet refers to a combination of the standard tastes of sweetness and bitterness, and is often used as a metaphor for experiences which have elements of both happiness and sadness. So here are my top 10 events that made up my 2007.

1. USA:The American Dream
Who would have thought I’d be able to go to the US? This wasn’t even in my plans this year. Just a spur of the moment decision to try & see where it leads me. Already made a previous post in this blog about all the things that happened to me during that whirlwind trip. Definitely one the defining moments of my 2007.

2. Work: Internal Conflicts, New Post. Probably the reason why I just wanted to get away from it all. But I realize that work really gets to me, I cried so much, & so many times this year because of work as compared to just silently enduring problems in my personal life.

3. Toastmasters adds Life! Accomplished many roles: as Secretariat Head for May Cebu Discon, Contest Chairperson for Div C & I contest, one of the judges to Gullas Intercollegiate Oratorical Contest of diff. Cebu schools. And being Division C Governor of course. It’s a different side to Toastmasters, taking on leadership roles. Also had outside speaking engagements: 2 at CIT,1 with SWU MBA for Bonna.

4. My Marriage. Chafing at the reins – a previous post in my blog says it all about my marriage this year & being verbally harassed & being on tip toe all the time. His parinigs. Brought him with me to most Toastmasters meetings in different clubs this year. His violent quarrels with Garleth & Flor & both maids leaving this year. Drowned my sorrows in staying at home with VCD movies/tv series marathons. Even resorted to taking my allergy meds so I’d be able to sleep & escape his harassment. He did go to Manila of course, although what this means for my marriage will be revealed in 2008 I guess.

5. USJR Doctorate. It was an experience being in a different part of Cebu – Carbon & downtown area & walking around, window-shopping. The classes were way too easy though. No challenge. But did get to know some of my classmates but did not bond as much as my SWU MBA classmates.

6. My Son: Prime: a new school for my son, & taking on Risperdal again due to his cheek-hitting episodes. Visited the doctor several times for the kids: dentist visits with both my kids losing their front teeth this year.

7. Club Ultima Lifestyle.This was a mutual decision of us as a couple, for the family, esp. for my son. Weekends swimming with the kids. Even had my pizza birthday videoke party here. It’s a different kind of luxurious lifestyle that I could very much get used to.

8. A Family reunion. Having the family together for the first time in so many years. Went home from the States with Mom, Dad, Ate Cherry & Jaime, while Ate Ethel went here a weekearlier & had time to clean the house. We also stayed over at the Hilton. Having the family together was really, really wonderful.

9. Social: New friends, old friends, friends I’ve managed to keep in touch with. Celes & Danny’s Sinulog visit- Riding the Mactan Channel ferry for the very first time. Had the annual Sinulog outing at Welda’s place with Aboitiz friends. Doulous floating ship outing with MBA classmates. Chris bday’s bash at Gerry’s & being with Aboitiz friends. An old friend from the past!- Jingle getting in touch once again. And Toastmasters friends of course.

10. Going back to church. I’ve been going almost regularly to Church every Sunday this year, which I haven’t been doing for the longest time. Its what’s made my life bearable this year also. I have made my peace with God.

2007 was a bittersweet year for me, full of ups and downs, but still memorable nevertheless.

LISTEN

2007-11-21T00:31:00.000-08:00

LISTEN

I remember Niel placing the song from Dreamgirls on
how,in spite of what's happening, of making the other person
love you all the more, of desperately wanting to make it happen.
Although I like that song, I forgot the title, the song below, "Listen"
is for me my favorite song in the entire movie.
I guess coz it speaks about the loss of not being seen,
& the pain of not being heard.

Listen to the song here in my heart, A melody I start but can't complete
Listen to the sound from deep within, Its only beginning to find release
Ohh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turnedInto your own, all 'cause you won't listen

Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried, To say whats on my mind
You should have known, Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened

There was someone here inside, Someone I thought had died
So long ago
Oh I'm screaming out, And my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed Aside or turnedInto your own,
All 'cause you won't listen

Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried, To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened
I don't know where I belong, But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't

Listen to the song here in my heart, A melody I start, but I will complete
Now I am done believing you
You don't know not what I am feeling
I'm more than what you've made of me,
I followed the voice you think you gave to me

But now I got to find my own - my own

Honoring My Dead

2007-11-20T21:48:00.000-08:00

DEAD LOLAS

The Chinese has what they call as "Ancestor Worship". Although not to the point of worship, like in the movie "Mulan", I do believe in honoring the dead. Last All Soul’s Day, we visited our "dead lolas" in Queen City cemetery. It’s a good time as any to remember the dead & share a little bit of their stories. Although I never knew any of them, there are aspects of their lives that I have picked up important lessons from. In one cemetery plot, we have my 3 lolas: Teodora Otarra, Pacita Cabando, and Epifania Valenzona. The first, Lola Pacing, is my maternal grandmother. She died before I was born, even before my parents married. She met my maternal grandfather during World War II in the small island of Banacon, in Bohol. It was a turbulent time, & since it was wartime, they couldn’t find any priests thus she & my lolo lived as common-law husband & wife, & were accepted as such in the community, & they had my Mom & her younger sister. But when my grandfather got stationed in Iloilo, he was caught in a shotgun wedding & thus he was legally married to another woman, with which he had 5 children. This was a bitter story that affected the lives of my grandmother, & my mother as well, the latter having to bear the stigma of being an illegitimate child, although she was the eldest among her half-sisters & brother. Aside from this tragic bent, the stories I have heard of Lola Pacing is that she worked real hard to support my Mom, travelling back & forth to Manila & Cebu, buying & selling RTW clothes. She was a single mom, who had to deal with a philandering "husband", bore the death of her youngest child(I never really knew what my aunt died of, of a childhood sickness probably, & even my Mom has not shared stories of her younger sister, & I’ve always thought this was because the story was too tragic to tell). But she was able to send my Mom through to Law School. Aside from this hard life, I grew up hearing about how she was the original "singer" in the family, & she would often be called upon to sing during town fiestas & have politicians call on her asking her to sing during crowd gatherings during elections time. Many said she had a marvelous voice, & that I must have gotten my singing talent from her. She was also very gregarious, & in spite of her hard life, always had funny stories to share & songs to sing. She loved my Mom very much, but I do recall my Mom painfully retelling about the time her mother had beaten her up, when she had told her that she wanted to leave home & enter the convent. She did it out of love, & I think she must have been a grand old lady & I would have loved to meet her.

Pacita Cabando, is my Mom’s grandmother. I have few stories to tell about her, but I do recall my Mom telling me about her being such a devout Catholic. She also lived her life in an island, in Banacon, & that she would wake up my Mom very early every morning, to pray her numerous novenas. I wonder about her life & how it must have been for her, to have borne 2 daughters, both unmarried & with children borne out of wedlock. But from what I understand, hers was the steady hand that guided my Mom while she grew up as a child, while my Lola was out working.

My last lola, I know her as Lola Baybay, my paternal grandmother who hailed from Baybay, Leyte, hence the name, as it was my Dad who gave us the monickers for each of our lolos & lolas, depending on the place they came from (that’s Lola Baybay – from Baybay,Leyte. That’s Lolo Carcar, from Carcar,Cebu). To help us little kids, from being confused in remembering the many grandparents we had. Lola Baybay died at sea, when I was three, when the boat from Baybay sank & there were many people who also died in that event. They said, when she was a young maiden, that she had a very persistent suitor, who she had spurned, & who, out of desperation, waited for her in the dark one night & accosted her. He became my lolo, & my Dad came nine months later. Theirs was not a happy marriage due to this tragic beginning, & my Lolo was enscripted into the army soon after their marriage, to fight the Japanese in WW II, & he died in the war. My father didn’t even have pictures of him, for these pictures were burned during the War,in case the Japanese would find them. Or perhaps this was the story that my paternal grandmother shared, for she was still full of bitterness because of what happened, & & seeing my Dad only made it worse, for they said my Dad looked so much like his father. Aside from my mental picture of this pained, bitter woman, Lola Baybay did get to marry another man after all, & had 2 daughters, but my Dad’s stepfather also died, which left him the sole breadwinner of the family & thus he grew up supporting my 2 aunts, & my Lola of course.

And what about the dead lolos? Mine really is a highly matriarchial family, for I have few stories to share about my lolos. They either died young, & left my lolas as widows, or they were quiet, non-descript men who didn’t figure much in the lives of my forebears. I do know, that both my Lolos served as soldiers during World War II, & that they were both part of the Bataan Death March, that 60 miles march during WWII where the Japanese forced 90,000-100,000 American & Filipino prisoners of war to march from the Bataan peninsula to prison camps. My paternal grandfather died along the way, while my maternal grandfather, owing perhaps to his street smarts related to his Chinese descent, was able to make ends meet & escape along the way. There must be a story there somehow, but as its already lost in the pages of history, & I can only make romantic guesses or notions about each finding the other. Or I somehow think about my dead Lolas, & the lives they must have led.

Which makes me wonder, when I’m dead & gone, what stories will my children’s children have of me? I do pray that life, & history will not leave me tales of woe such as these, although I do know that these women in my past have lived full lives, worthy in their pains & substance, & that they have made it possible for me to be here. And make my own story, that’s still in the telling.

2007-10-16T21:58:00.000-07:00

AMERICAN DREAM

Went to the States, left last Aug10 & got back last Aug24. I really had fun during my US trip. Went to 3 states (California,Washington,Arizona) in my 14 days trip. Although I did spend a lot of that time waiting in airports (counted 12 airport stops, in 6 airports, logged in 38 flight hours), so its like 2 days of my trip was spent in transit. Lots of memories worth cherishing!

Things best remembered about my trip:

* Travelling becomes me. Felt so beautiful!= kept being complimented, from NAIA's security guard saying lasses from Cebu are really beautiful, to the black security lady at the Sacramento airport
calling me young lady, to the Mexican shopkeeper in San Francisco calling me "maganda", & the Washington Filipino restaurant owner telling my aunt I look so young & pretty.

* America: The Land of Plenty. Where are the people in the neighborhood? Was shocked at how few people there are. In my stay in the US,really only saw crowds when I'm at the airport, & even their malls are deserted (unlike SM over here). The US sure is huge. My mom said even if all Filipinos come to the US, there'd be space left over. Only saw 3 beggars in my whole stay in the different cities I visited. Freeway driving - so unlike the traffic jams back home. & radar detection signs if you go past the speed limit! & cameras on the road! Everything comes in big sizes - shampoo, lotion bottles,
etc.

* Home Sweet Home. US-Hermag version. I was so amazed by how Mom & Dad have made themselves such a beautiful home in Anaway,Sacramento. Their house was really nice, characterized by Mom's cleanliness, organization & beautification touches.

* Food! I gained 7 lbs in just 2 weeks! American pizza is as delicious as what we see in the movies! Visited & was toured by family & relatives & eating out was the norm. I love pigging out on vacation!

* Toastmasters Convention. Being a first timer at the TI convention was quite an experience for me.
It made me realize that I do belong to an international organization, seeing & getting to know
people from different countries, from different races. Being the VJ at Pawe's Videoke sing-along & coercing Toastmasters from different countries to sing songs. Time spent with dear Linus.

* Shopping!Bought gifts for home- I love Russ for Less = clothes, Shoes, shopping in California, the Arizona Desert Mall, bought books, even at Goodwill for ukay-ukay, American style = cheap, really nice clothes! My parents gave me 700USD to spend. Even shopped at Arizona airport, only mins.
after I'd disembarked from the plane, on the way to the bus stop to go to the hotel!

* Washington. I love Washington's greenery! Seattle was such a beautiful city, loved shopping at Pike's Place, going to the first Starbucks, & climbed the Seattle Space Needle! Ate Cherry's place on the Golf Course, with Bill Gates as neighbor, & near the lake, was impressive. Had fun with Jim, Jayme,Ethan & John(rambunctious but really adorable kids!). Had a tiring,early morning walk with Jim's parents.

* Arizona & the Desert Marriot. What the tour guide said that the temperature in Arizona is the same as in Baghdad, gives you an idea of how hot it was. Yet spent a morning walking the deserted streets of downtown Arizona with 3 senior citizens: Sirs Dodong & Noli & Mam Sonia. The locals must have thought we were crazy. The Desert Marriot is a 5star hotel, what fabulous pools! Took advantage of the Stargazing tour, but ended up moon-gazing instead! Loved looking at the moon craters(a high for a moon enthusiast such as me). Had a desert walking tour.

* Relatives Galore. All Filipinos have relatives in the States, & I was certainly no exception. Was shuttled back & forth between houses & States.Even my parents & sister were too busy & can't go on leave for the few days I stayed with each of them. Stayed with Auntie Pacit(my Dad's sister) & Uncle Allen in Washington where she toured me in Poulsbo, a really quaint,lakeside village. Stayed with Auntie Mila(my mom's cousin) in California & she & Auntie Prelly & Uncle toured me in San Francisco. Didn't have fun touring the shopping district with Auntie Mila - we went to Neiman Marcus & Gucci looking at jewelry & 3K USD bags! Would rather have visited Charmed house - rode the Sausalito ferry though & passed by Alcatraz Island & San Francisco Bridge.

* Friends Reunion. Met Glet, my best friend in college & her family (Icky,Gaby & Joshua Miguel, yup, he has almost the same name as my son! We weren't sure if we'd talked about it, but well Miguel is older so it was Glet who copied!). Also met Arlene, a close kabarkada in high school, & her husband. It was fun, we all had lunch in Mom & Dad's formal, rarely used dining room.

* California. California is so hot!!! Its really summer in August! Saw open spaces & dry brush all around. Toured Sacramento city hall grounds for America's retirees gathering with parents,
& got free food & shirts. Even had fireworks on my last night in the States due to the state fair.

* Family Reunion . Stayed with Ate Cherry & sina Mom & Dad in the States, but bonded more
when we all took the flight home to the US for another week-long vacation in Cebu. Though it was back to work for me, still had fun. Spent the 1st weekend at the Hilton Mactan. Touring Cebu. Ate Ethel arrived from Greece! The first time the whole family have been all together in 10 years.

Throughout my stay though, kept having bad dreams of the kids, the hubby, & of my workmates (& I never dream about people at work!)I guess I was missing family, what would have made my vacation complete would have been having the kids with me. & I was also worried about work, knowing this is just a breather for me, the eye before the storm. So after travelling, we all have to get our feet back on the ground once more. And face reality.

SILVER LININGS

2007-06-28T23:21:00.000-07:00

Every cloud has a silver lining.
I’ve always loved that expression, in fact clung to it in times when the storm has been at its worst, sort of like grasping for straws in desperation. Still, looking at the positives in any given situation, does make my mood lighter. Thus, in the midst of the turmoil of my professional life, it bears looking at
why I love working in my present job, or things that have made my stay worthwhile in my present company.

1. Lexmark billboard model
2. Being a non-punching employee
3. Being part of the extended management staff
4. Being promoted to HR Officer
5. Overseeing an annual Php8M training budget
6. Having held 3 positions (being tasked with 3 growth assignments) in 5 years.
7. Having reached almost 5 years working in the same company
8. Being the voice behind the 6am,2pm,6pm & 10 pm prayer over the PA system everyday (for the past 4 years & counting)
9. Company cel
10. Company laptop
11. Working for a multinational, American company
12. Making the LIPI culture videos & starting the videoediting service in this company
13. Attending numerous training programs in Manila over the past years
14. Alegre beach resort stay due to company management outing
15. Significant salary increase every year
16. Good pay that has made it possible for me & my family to live comfortably these years
17. Coop loan facility
18. Singing in company programs!
19. Working in a really nice company facility
20. Hotel stays (Dusit,Galleria,Sofitel)
21. Friends acquired (meron din naman, I guess not a barkada type though like Aboitiz)
22. Being a Lexmark scholar & finishing my MBA!

Meredith Gray

2007-06-19T00:09:00.000-07:00

Dr. Meredith Grey: At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross.

Dr. Meredith Grey: You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.

Dr. Meredith Grey: At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

Dr. Meredith Grey: A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

Dr. Meredith Grey: Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

Dr. Meredith Grey: I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you've crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, and I don't know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself

Dr. Meredith Grey: I've heard that it's possible to grow up - I've just never met anyone who's actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don't go our way, we whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark, we look for comfort where we can find it, and we hope - against all logic, against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope...

Dr. Meredith Grey: If you knew this was your last day on Earth, how would you wanna spend it

Dr. Meredith Grey: Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.

Dr. Meredith Grey: Pick *me*. Choose *me*. Love *me*.

Dr. Meredith Grey: Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

Dr. Meredith Grey: There's something to be said about a glass half full. About knowing when to say when. I think it's a floating line. A barometer of need and desire. It's entirely up to the individual. And depends on what's being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there's no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless. And all we want, is more.

Dr. Meredith Grey: Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

Dr. Meredith Grey: Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes to simply be human. Maybe, we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

Dr. Meredith Grey: At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.

Dr. Meredith Grey: Four hundred years ago, another well-known English guy had an opinion about being alone. John Donne. He thought we were never alone. Of course, it was fancier when he said it. "No man is an island entire unto himself." Boil down that island talk, and he just meant that all anyone needs is someone to step in and let us know we're not alone. And who's to say that someone can't have four legs. Someone to play with or run around with, or just hang out.

Dr. Meredith Grey: Sometimes doing something is worse than doing nothing.

Dr. Meredith Grey: When you were a kid, it was Halloween candy. You hid it from your parents and you ate it until you got sick. In college, it was the heavy combo of youth, tequila and well, you know. As a surgeon, you take as much of the good as you can get because it doesn't come around nearly as often as it should. 'Cause good things aren't always what they seem. Too much of anything, even love, is not always a good thing.

Dr. Meredith Grey: How do you know when how much is too much? Too much too soon. Too much information. Too much fun. Too much love. Too much to ask... And when is it all just too much to bear?

Dr. Meredith Grey: Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.

Dr. Meredith Grey: The fantasy is simple. Pleasure is good. And twice as much pleasure is better. That pain is bad. And no pain is better. But the reality is different. The reality is that pain is there to tell us something. And there is only so much pleasure we can take without getting a stomachache. And maybe that's okay. Maybe some fantasies are only supposed to live in our dreams.

Dr. Meredith Grey: At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

Piracy

2007-06-18T21:14:00.000-07:00

Piracy. I know its a crime.

Like I know I wouldn't steal a cellphone. I wouldn't steal a car.

But let's face it. Pirated CDs are so cheap as compared to the original items.

And I figure, in a third world country such as the Philippines,

buying these pirated CDs wouldn't matter, coz so few can ill afford to buy a P300-500 worth CD.

This year has been the year that I've discovered the lure of pirated CDs.

What with my self-imposed exile, a lot of my time has been spent at home

watching these CDs. Am especially partial to CDs of television series,

& weekend marathons (16 or more hours) watching these shows,

is my current addiction.

Here are the television shows in CD version, that I've watched this year:

* Prison Break (Season 1 & 2) = Lincoln Burrows is on death row for the murder of the vice president's brother. He insists he's innocent and only his brother Michael Scofield believes him. As an engineer who helped design the prison where Lincoln is being held, Michael takes drastic measures to help his brother. He gets himself arrested and sent to the same prison so that with his knowledge of the building the two of them can escape together. However, while inside, Michael discovers a massive conspiracy that is determined to see Lincoln's sentence carried out. Breaking out will be more difficult than he thought, but he's still going to try. (Note: I like this series because, hell, I can so relate with the characters, that feeling of being imprisoned & wanting to break free).

* Heroes = the story of several people who "thought they were like everyone else... until they woke with incredible abilities" such as telepathy, time travel and flight. These people soon realize they have a role in preventing a catastrophe and saving mankind. The series follows the writing style of American comics with short, multi-episode story arcs story that build upon a larger, more encompassing arc. (Note: Always been fascinated with superheroes, from watching Superfriends & the Hall of Justice, back in my childhood days. If I had a superpower abilities, well, I'd love to have the ability to teleport - coz I hate commuting!, but on a deeper level, I'd love the power to bring out the good in people, sort of a more active power than that dwarf character in Xmen who had the power to strip Xmen of their powers when he's in the vicinity)

* Invasion = When a small town at the edge of the Florida Everglades is threatened by a raging hurricane, U.S. Park Ranger Russell Varon must go to great lengths to protect the small community and his family safe. During the storm his young daughter claims to have seen mysterious lights, seemingly unaffected by the gale-force winds, floating near the water. Varon dismisses the sighting, but begins to wonder if there really was some truth to the story after his missing ex-wife turns up naked and her memory of the storm is completely gone.While the community begins to clean up after the storm and piece their lives back together, Varon begins to investigate the strange happenings as he tries to make sense of what is happening. (Note: I'm fascinated with aliens also, I started watching this on TV's Crime & Suspense channel & was so happy that there was a CD available)

* Jericho = After a nuclear disaster caused by several terrorist attacks destroys most of America, residents of a small Kansas town must come to terms with a new and very different reality. (Note: I love end of the world scenarios, or disaster movies/genre. There's something about contemplating the end of the world, that puts all things in perspective)

* Lost (Seasons 1-3) = follows the lives of Oceanic flight 815 survivors on a tropical island, somewhere in the South Pacific. (Note: Always toyed with the idea, what if I'm shipwrecked on an island, well I wouldn't mind if I'm in the company of these guys: Jack, Sawyer, Sayid,Charlie....The mystery of this island gets me hooked though, like where is it that these people are really?)

* Grey's Anatomy (Season 3) = A drama centered on the personal and professional lives of five surgical interns and their supervisors. (Note: I just love the dialogue! Plus, my first dream was always to become a doctor...)

* Commander-In-Chief: (Note:Technically, this shouldn't be in my list, because I'm just watching this on TV. But the story is so good, & this for me is the best of all I've mentioned above. I actually saw a CD of this in the mall, & this was before I saw the first TV episode, I had thought of buying it but was low on funds that day. When I went back to buy it, it was gone. So bad! So I actually sacrific & stay up till 11:30 pm Wed nights just to watch this on TV.Imagine!)Mackenzie Allen (Academy Award®-winner Geena Davis), the 45-year-old Independent Vice President of the United States, is about to venture into territory no woman has entered before. While at an official ceremony with husband and Chief of Staff Rod Allen (Kyle Secor), she is informed by the President's Chief of Staff, Jim Gardner (Harry Lennix), and the Attorney General that President Bridges is about to undergo emergency brain surgery for a tumor.MacKenzie Allen becomes the first woman American president after she ascends to the job following the death of president Teddy Bridges.

Well, the bummer about watching television series on pirated CDs is that they run out of episodes, & you have to wait for the next season. But then, I guess its a good thing really, coz you can't just go on and on and on....

MY FAVORITE THINGS

2007-06-11T18:40:00.000-07:00

My Favorite Things

Raindrops & roses & whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles & warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose & eyelashes
Silver white winters that flow into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

I’ve always loved the "My Favorite Things" song in the musical "The Sound of Music"
And so when I’m feeling a little bit let down,
Here’s my own personal list of my favorite things.

Birthday cakes & Valentines Day
Trying on and buying clothes
Windowshopping
Watching movies while eating a Flame It Teriyaki Burger with Onion Rings
Coaching Time with Niel
Friday nights that lead to happening weekends
Out of town trips
Eating shawarma & licking the sauce on my fingers (& trying to hide so people won’t see)
Watching fireworks with my kids
Listening to love songs on the radio
Singing my heart out
Gloomy,downcast days with no rain
Divisoria shopping
Wrapping and giving Christmas gifts
Paying debts
Yellow Cab New York’s Finest Pizza & Charlie Chan Pasta
Sizzling sisig
Wearing sexy clothes and looking fab
Being told I don’t look my age
That satisfied feeling after facilitating a training session when I know I’ve done my best
Late night outs & being free
Travelling to a new place I’ve never been to before
Holding hands
Holidays merged into long weekends
Wednesdays

Writing and giving Toastmasters speeches & entering (& winning!) speech contests
Having money for taxi rides & body massages
Finding unique bargains while Ukay-ukay shopping
Jounal writing
Reading romance novels on a rainy day
Waking up from a lovely dream
Hotel stays with the family
The smell of garlic frying on the stove
Lasagna
Finding new things to add to my moon collection
Mermaids
Making lists

Well, These are indeed a few of my favorite things !!!

MAYDAY!

2007-06-04T00:56:00.001-07:00

Mayday!

"Mayday!" is the ultimate distress signal, recognized by sailors all over the world. It approximates the French term "m'aider", meaning "come help me!" This is an apt title to describe how the month of May has been for me.

Personal Goals:
Spiritual: Am still ok here I guess. And its funny how I’ve met people (in two different events) who recognize me because they’ve seen me in church. This was a signal for me that going back to church is something right, coz considering that we arrive late & I really don’t mingle much, but napapansin din pala. But its been a spiritually, psychologically trying time for me Mayday!). More on this later on.

Social: Worked so hard for the May18-20 Discon! Met old Mla Toastmasters friends, & worked with
Cebu Toastmasters group, plus touched base with my SJS, Copper & Aboitiz TM clubs. Met new people too, & renewed ties with "significant" friends.! Had fun interviewing champion speech contestants over the phone & though this article didn’t see fine print, I learned a lot nevertheless. And the learnings from watching the speech contests was mind-boggling! I don’t know if I’ll be speech champion ready material next time.

The Discon was a major event & this serves as my Travel/Rest/Recreation Event for May also.

Mental: Finished my 1st trisem in USJR Doctoral class. It was hectic cramming for all those papers
I didn’t get to do because of the Discon, but I had fun and learned nevertheless. The classes are so easy!

Financial: Got my mid-year 13th month bonus, but used this to pay for kid’s school tuition fees, Club Ultima payments and the like. Am starting to use my Citibank Credit Card, will see how this pans out later on. Am still keeping myself afloat financially I guess.

My Roles:
Mother: Ok with the kids. Whole family, including Cuyos family, attended Prime’s Summer Outing at
Hadsan beach. I have sunburn on my face & back! Ate Jennylyn, Miguel’s new Yaya is working out
really great. I was also able to have China enrolled for this coming schoolyear.

Wife: Mayday! Where do I even begin?!?! Its been difficult, & has escalated into more frequent talks
on separation. But since he’s threatened getting custody of the kids, this changes things. His attitude
too is so mercurial, & the times that he’s lucid and affectionate are his more humane moments (buti
na lang meron kahit papaano) that I hang on to. Its so hard for me to describe what I’m going through
right now, and maybe the only way to describe how worst it has gotten for me can be shown in that
On two occasions, I’ve resorted to prescription drug abuse as a way to escape from my hellish reality.
But I’ve stopped na, & it was just those two times (yeah, & that’s what every drug addict says….not
That I’m turning into one….)I’m working on my marriage though, & just to please my husband, I’ll
Be taking a hiatus from my USJR Doctoral studies, & am giving up my plans on attending the US
Discon, & have even declined attending Toastmaster meetings & events, as well as other non-TM
activities, I’m just staying put at home most of the time. Of course, that’s still not enough for him
as he said.

Work: Work has been a blur due to events in my personal life & how busy I am (my marriage, Toastmasters Discon, my doctoral studies,etc). And it shouldn’t be coz there is so much to do,
Especially in the light of having no boss to report to (we have no HR Director yet) & our HR
Manager went on a month-long leave pa gyud. And I have hang-ups pa with my team, though
I’ve gone out of my way to talk to them from time to time, just that am not sure though if this is
Enough.

Mayday! My ship is in distress! And to think I started this year by making a collage of my 2007 dreams
Using a lot of nautical navigational symbols. Travelling is something I want to do, but the waves
Pull me to shore, & I am floundering amidst the jagged rocks, as they scrape the bottom of my
ship….

Time Flies When You're Having F.U.N.

2007-05-01T17:24:00.000-07:00

This has been the fastest year of my life. I can’t believe its already May, & its like the year is almost over. I guess I’m different from most people, coz time goes so fast for most when they’re having fun. For me, I tend to speed dial time & breeze through my days when I don’t particularly like what I’m experiencing at the moment, or I go through time in a daze coz I hanker and look forward to the time when things might get better. So F.U.N. could probably stand for, oh I don’t know, a fundamentally unhappy nightmare of a life.

Or maybe I’m just being melodramatic, as always. Well, only a look back at how April was for me, can answer that.

Personal Goals
Spiritual- Only went to Church once this month. Had my first massage of the year – imagine! Maybe that’s why this year has not been such a blast. I do need more of my massages.

Mental- My 1st real USJR Doctoral Class (I was sick & absent last month) – wrote and directed training vignette with my classmates. HR and Industrial Relations class presentations and reports. Never realized Doctoral class was this easy.

Social- Haven't been going out much due to my current lovelife (hah!) problems. Just Holiday Plaza Rooftop with Discon Committee, & even that was just to eat & run.

Financial- Rethinking my coop finances and loans due to Coop Gen Assembly & Annual Dividends Distribution and Results. Explored other potential financial investments (meeting with Prulife & PhilamLife). Paid my life insurance, 1st quarterly payment. Feeling the brunt of paying Club Ultima payments though am still managing things. But there's something to be said for me getting a take home pay of less than 10K. I really must be doing something wrong.

Travel/Rest and Recreation- Didn’t really travel much, but had marathon CD watching for the first time, with Heroes, and Prison Break, and countless VCD movies. Spent Kadaugan holiday walking along downtown Cebu, Colon. Tripping lang.

My Roles
Mother- Holy Week holidays – spending time at home & at Club Ultima or Crown Regency swimming with the kids for so many times, swimming at Vano beach with family, Lower Hermag Fiesta & riding the ferris wheel with the kids. My son's many yaya's: the tomboy, Ate Merle, the one-day maid. Now Ate Jenn. I hope she stays.

Wife- Feeling nagged. His sniping, and side comments, and interrogative questions is getting to me. My nerves are getting frayed. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Really.

Work- Learned a new skill– what with attending an Integrated Mgt System Internal Auditors Training and conducting my first Internal IMS audit. Feeling bad due to feeling lost with Phil Measurements report delay and my own insecurities with working with my team, but there were ok times naman. Facilitated Completed Staff Work Training, & had a great time discussing the concept with supervisor participants.

Talents- Gave a talk on Employee Engagement at Southwestern University to MBA-Executives class. Loved their bouquet, certificate & personalized t-shirt tokens, as well as the sumptious lechon lunch. And they loved my talk! Not bad, considering I crammed final preparations.

Immediate Family- Ella's first year bday celebration in Jollibee. Talking with Ate Ethel for her bday & with Mom on the phone.

Toastmasters- Attended my first Taipan meeting of the year! And my only TM meeting for the month. I’ve taken such a hiatus from TM. Starting to get busy with Secretariat and Registration though.

Homemaker- I managed to clean & organize the music room during the Holy Week.Yehey!

This is all for April I guess. Am really just coping & living with it day by day. But am still OK.

BEST FRIENDS

2007-04-23T21:51:00.000-07:00

My first best friend, Joy,
Was my cousin, who I grew up with
& we even called each other as twin sisters.
We went to Kinder, Grades 1 & 2 together.
But lost touch when we moved to Davao,
& although we wrote each other from when we were young
& now we’re living in the same place & see each other
from time to time.
Things have never been the same.

My second best friend, Melody,
Was my classmate in Grade 3.
And we remained classmates till Grade 6.
We were close, & I can’t remember
How we we became best friends,
But it sure felt good to have a friend
Since I was the new kid in class.
I’m not exactly sure how we stopped
Being best friends, coz I don’t recall
Fighting, we just outgrew each other I guess.

I had my first barkada in Grade 6, with Liza & Jennifer.
We were inseparable, & talked endlessly,
For at this age, we’d discovered boys.
We’d eat lunch together, & they’d both
Go with me, even til high school,
When we’d still troop back to the grade
School canteen to have lunch with my sisters.
We stayed as a barkada from Grade 6 till first year high school.
Then things changed, as it often does,
During high school.

My high school barkada, & I call them such
Are Jercyl, Rowee, Suzette, Arlene, Deanna, & Myrha.
I remember barkada sleep-overs in my house in Lark St.

In college, all through-out, there was our barkada:
Glet, Leah, Celes, Redge, Karen, Princess & me.
I became a Christian because of these guys.

Entablado, though a barkada,
Was a loosely organized bunch of friends for me.
Depending on what year & what group:
And although, Karen, Loren, Jobert, Joesen, Joy,
Jason, Ama, Bards, Juan, Bombit, Obit,
and so many others
Will always be friends to me,
I felt most times in, but at other times out
& just went my own merry way.

It was the same with work,
I have my Aboitiz friends: Welda, Riella, Jovy,
Chris, Alpin, Arne
My Toastmaster friends.
But I also have a separate life.
Apart from them.

And that's me I guess,
I've been blessed to have had best and close friends
Over the years
But I still prefer to keep my own company
Like a cat, who gets all cuddly with people,
but prefers to walk and explore alone.

And perhaps that's why
Niel
Is my bestest friend of all.
He's been there, for
Thirteen years.
And though we've had our
physical parting of ways several times over the years
The emotional bond of friendship
Has always been there.

The friends I've mentioned here
I've lost, then found once again
through the years.
And once you've let someone
into your soul, & into your life.
They don't ever leave you I guess.

So maybe yes,
I am a solitary soul.
But I have met & needed friends
to get me through all these years.

Forever More

2007-04-23T21:09:00.000-07:00

And they lived happily ever after.
Happiness and love is equated with forever.
Somehow the thought of forever is a long wished for dream.
And yet, looking back at my life.
I realize that many events in my life go through phases
& forever is a condition I am most unaccustomed to.

For instance…
I was a happy-go-lucky child,
Growing up in Cebu. But,
I was all of 8 when we moved to Davao, in 1983.
Seven years later, in 1990,I entered a new phase in my life,
College, & "moved" to Manila to pursue a degree in Psyhology.
In 1993, my family sold our house in Davao
& we moved back to Cebu.
I graduated college in 1994.
Moved back to Cebu for a year to teach (my first job)
Moved back to Manila to be with my friends in 1995
And what I had come to see as home.
Taught from 1995-1997,
Moved to an HR job in 1997 till 1998.
Moved back to Cebu in 1998
To take care of the house & be with the family business
As my parents moved to the States.
Got married in 1999.
Moved back to Manila to live with my in-laws in 2000.
Polluted Manila, far from being the exciting world
Of my college days, didn’t agree with me,
So moved back to Cebu in 2001.

Got into my old job, stayed there till 2003
When I moved into my current job.
At four & ½ years, this is my longest
Working stay in a company.
And
For whatever its worth, being married
For seven years is the longest commitment
I’ve had to a person.
So maybe that’s why I ache,
And feel ready for a change.

They say
A rolling stone gathers no moss.
But still,
I am the person I am
for all the changes I've gone through in my life.
Maybe its time for me to stay put
and dig deep into the ground, & grow roots.

Still, change beckons to me like a siren's call over the horizon...

The Ides of March

2007-03-27T22:18:00.000-07:00

The Ides of March

Wow! I can’t believe that the first quarter of the year will soon be over. March is nearly over, & we’ll be celebrating April Fool’s Day this weekend. I feel like life has just passed me by, and I wonder where the year has went. Well, here’s a listing of how 2007 so far has been for me.

PERSONAL
Spiritual: I missed church for the last 2 consecutive Sundays,but mostly because of being sick. I still believe am ok with my God though, & will plan something spiritual for Holy Week next week.

Mental: I got my Doctoral assignments & reports done ahead of time. Which is why it was such a bummer to miss class due to being sick with the flu. I like being in school, & working on papers & stuff. It gives me something important to do. I also finished the book, "The Success Principles" by Jack Canfield, though I still feel far from successful. Still, the book was such a mental rush.

Physical: I got sick with the flu, & was absent for 1 ½ days, which broke my record of being present at work & minimizing my absences. Still, I was able to work out at the gym for the very first time, yehey! & swimming with the kids, as part of my new Club Ultima membership.

Social: I had no social life to speak of this March! And, its all because of you know who. And this is not me, as introspective and introverted a person that I am, I realize I am a very outgoing person, I need to go out! So am slowly going crazy…..But then, had to balance it with keeping the peace at home. Good thing, Monette calls me several times during the week. Gives me the semblance of having a social life at all.

Travel: Am more of am a homebody these days, the only travel, or stepping out of my limits, that I can think of, is going to Club Ultima. Although had a food trip (buffet lunch) with HR team leaders at Waterfront Mactan, due to Lexington visitors. The food was heavenly! Though our visitors were in a hurry, so we had no time for seconds. Bad!

Financial: I was able to pay a lot of my debts! A major bulk went to paying kid’s school tuition fees, Toastmasters, insurance. Yehey! This is really something to celebrate! But embarked on a financial investment with Angel that scares the shit out of me (pardon the expression). Getting the Club Ultima membership will entail a whole lot of belt-tightening, but am doing it, aside from the investment value, for the family, for my health (gym work-outs), and it feel kinda strange & good, to be deciding on something major such as this with my husband (because it was a joint decision).

MY ROLES
Wife: Not Good. Its been difficult keeping the peace at home, & it feels crazy to have given ammunition to my husband to lambast me & berate me at every turn, for making a mistake. I’ve tried so hard, & stopped my other commitments cold turkey, so to speak. Though its not making a dent in his consciousness. Garleth went home, for good, & this is another something I find difficult to forgive.

Mother: I paid my kid’s tuition dues, & that’s such a huge accomplishment. Its been difficult starting on a new dietary program with Miguel. China’s as upbeat as always, & won an award as "Most Respectful" in her Kinder graduation. Went swimming with the kids several times.

Team Leader: Not Good. I feel like things are slipping from me again, & my staff is working around me. Had an altercation with Caryn this month, when she raised her voice at me for something I did that did not sit well with her. Things are not going well at work, & its getting me down…

Training Officer: I guess the leadership part is getting to me, & work has suffered because of the depression I feel towards work & handling people. Still, Q1 is over, & there is still so much to do! So I need to get my act & energy in order!

Toastmasters: Worked as Contest Chairman during Mar3 Division C & I Contest, which was a very major, busy affair. Things worked out well I guess. Also attended Discon preparation meetings, & reported as Secretariat Head. Still, I missed some meetings & totally avoided Toastmasters meetings, just to avoid the wrath of Angel. Bad. So, so bad.

Old Family: Mom has called, & things are ok naman. Still have to drop an e-mail to the family though.

X-Men. Am good in this area. Had several surprising calls, but mostly about Toastmasters district affairs. He looks so sumptious from afar though, but I know now where I stand. Its just, so so sad.

Homemaker: Changed the lay-out in the bedroom, which did wonders to the room (made it more spacious). Also organized my closet. Even cooked a few times. I feel more of a homemaker, because am mostly at home now. And I never thought of myself as a homebody.

Other Crafts. Nothing done in this area. I need to organize my papers & books at home. Things are such a mess.

So what is it about the Ides of March? Well, I looked it up, & they say it’s a metaphor for impending doom. I can so relate…..

February

2007-03-22T01:48:00.000-07:00

This is what I had posted for Feb.
An update on my goals for 2007.

PERSONAL
(1) Spiritual: I've been going to church regularly every Sun without fail this year.
Believe me,that is such a huge accomplishment for me coz I can't remember
the last time I did that. And to think, this is even one of the 10 commandments.
That's Bread of Life in Ayala every Sun morning,with the hubby.

(2) Mental: I pursued & started my doctoral in HR studies in USJR na. Yes!

(3) Physical: not good. Tumaba ako, I need to exercise & lose my belly
fat. Also need to take care of my personal appearance & look more
professional (make-up & look) = got this by looking at the trainers I've
attended in Jan & Feb.

(4) Social: am also ok here. got to go out many times via Tmasters
meetings, also with Aboitiz friends, & with Celes in Jan. I still feel
a bit restricted though coz no more late night out with friends (hey
clean fun, not dates) due to hubby.

(5) Financial: Was able to pay my first payment for life insurance.
I still need to pay tuition for kid's schooling though.

(6) Travel: K lang coz wala naman akong money so far.
Had planned to go out with the hubby Valentines weekend but
he had his Jaycees induction (yes,he's also getting to be busy
with social/civic activities)

MY ROLES
(7) Wife: ok. Hubby & I have been going out & I can't remember
the last time we've been tied to the hip & constantly being together
since we got married. He accompanies me to toastmaster meetings
so as to guard me nga. Things are a bit constricting for me, but
we're doing ok I guess. He still has to look for work though.

(8) Mother: ok. Transferred my son to a new school. Went out
with my daughter for her school functions. I still need to religiously
follow sensory integration therapy for miguel, but i've been
giving him his lotion massage almost every night.

(9) Team Leader: ok. I've had several meetings with my staff
& discussed team KBOs. I just really need to talk with my
staff everyday.

(10) Training Officer: Been busy with HR planning & major
HR & training projects. I believe its been a good start for the year.

(11) Toastmaster: Been attending Toastmaster meetings
in different clubs. I gave my High Performance Leadership
speech & will now need to forward credentials to Toastmasters
Intl so I can be credited, also worked out my being a mentor
to an Aboitiz club. I need these requirements so I can be given
my Advanced Leader norm & qualify for Distinguished
Toastmaster norm, the highest norm for Toastmasters.Yehey!
Been busy with Area & Division speech contests, & will
most probably be Division C Governor next year,handling
all 30 TM clubs in Cebu.

(12) Ole Family: Been writing to my family naman, & parents
are excited about my trip to the States, & are firming up
schedules. If I'll be granted my visa, I'll be flying home with
my parents.The whole family will have a reunion in August,
with both my Ates planning to come home. It'll
be the first time since 1990 that the whole family is together.Wow!

(13) X-men. not good. Though tremendous sacrifices have
been made by me in this area & the distance has been
really put, not the total break I am aiming for. Thats all I'm
going to share in this area. Tukso, layuan mo ako!

(14) Homemaker. Magulo pa rin ang bahay! Siempre
busy ako, & things are not as 5S or spic & span as
I would have liked. I try to make ligpit kahit one area/
item every night. I don't ever think I'll be done in this area.

(15) Other Crafts.Other small but important projects:
still havent finalized my scrapbooks in a
treasure chest (though I have an idea now for this) &
haven't updated my resume, or last will & testament.

February was very upbeat!

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

2007-03-21T20:15:00.000-07:00

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

So. Soo. Tired.
All my life, I realize I’ve been trying so hard to get and earn respect from the people around me. I feel such a failure for feeling so insignificant, & why I don’t inspire respect from other people. What could I be doing wrong? Maybe I’m just feeling maudlin and generalizing things, but it does seem to be a pervasive trend in so many areas of my life. That the quality of my relationships with other people are lacking the respect factor. My husband doesn’t respect me in the sense that he doesn’t really admire & believe in the things I do, of my personal dreams & pursuits (be it Toastmasters, my doctoral studies, work, etc). At work, I also don’t see that I have the respect I need from the people I work with. I feel lost, & bewildered, sometimes, with how people can seem to work around me, that at times I stop to wonder, & say to myself, "Hey, something doesn’t seem to be right here, am I being stepped on, like a doormat?!". There are so many underlying tensions and things undiscussed at work, & though I know I could confront the issue right then & there, I’m too scared I guess. At home, well, in terms of the relationship I have with my sister, it really doesn’t seem like I’m the older sister, & I know that. My sis is more capable than I in handling the household, family business, finances --- & I wonder, why is that? Something must be wrong with me, in the way I handle things. But I’m at a loss on what to do. I just want to be competent and capable and successful, the kind of person people gravitate to to lead them & be inspired. Heck, my personal mission statement is even about freeing, daring and inspiring self-actualization in myself and others. Yet I feel so caged (vs. free), stifled (as opposed to daring & stepping beyond my limits), left alone to cope with my life (far from inspiring). I know I could be doing so much better, which is what self-actualization is. I am really so, soo, tired & so close to giving up. I feel so old, that life is just passing me by....

2007-03-08T01:39:00.000-08:00

It was never about sex.
It was however, about the thrill of holding hands,
Of being close to someone.
Of feeling the warmth of that first, tender kiss.
In a life where kissing was a rarity.
It was about being seen, of being recognized
Of feeling the power of being a woman.
It was about feeling alive once again.
Of being held, and being caressed,
Of being wanted.
It was about passion, and excitement
Of anticipation, and walking in the moonlight.
And though it may have been wrong,
It felt so right.

What will you do If I die?

2007-03-06T22:08:00.000-08:00

"What will you do if I die?", he asks.

To which I so wanted to say, " I’ll live".
How can you have an intelligent, mature conversation with someone who asks a question like that?
My husband has mastered the art of the "victim mentality".
He sees me as being unsupportive of the ideas and plans that he has.
My indiscretions have only added fuel to the fire,

making him feel more depressed at how unfair life is to him. I don’t see where this marriage is going anymore.
His self-esteem will always be at a low, because he has no job,

& I don’t see how he can start a business with no funds to speak of.
Just today he said he wants to start a video footage & editing business,

but he has no videocam. And all I can think of, is that I have debts to pay,

school fees and tuition of the kids to take care of, grocery to buy,

and a million other things to take care of.

So that I can put food on the table and take care of my family.
And I don’t see how the future can improve on from here.
I know things do work for the better, but I can’t see how things can for my husband.
I know I should be his no.1 supporter, but I can’t.

I don’t believe in him anymore, he’ll always lack character,

always be weak at heart, always look to external factors and circumstances, and people to blame for the problems he is in.His attitude will always be his no.1 stumbling block.
And he said about wondering before, about having a one night stand,

but thinking twice about it, because he’d be embarassed,

seeing that Cebu is such a small place.

And that he could’nt believe I could do it, after all.

Hearing him talk like that, made me wonder.

Could I have been wrong?
Could he perhaps be innocent of that one wrongdoing?
Would him being innocent make a difference?
I just want to run away from it all.

Don't Be Fooled By Me

2007-03-01T01:20:00.000-08:00

My first speech contest was in Grade 4 when I joined the
Elocution Contest. This was my piece. Very adult for
a nine-year old girl. My mom coached me on the piece.
I won first runner-up.
Never understood the piece back then,
like I do now, as a 33-year old woman.
Now I am too familiar with the pain and angst
of wearing a mask of nonchalance,
& yet being a ticking bomb waiting to explode inside.
Don't be fooled by me.
I may look happy, but I have been in the pits of despair.

*********************************************************************
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off and none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
but don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.Beneath lies no smugness,
no complacence.Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weaknesses and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only salvation,
and I know it.That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls

I dislike hiding, honestlyI dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial phony game.I'd really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this. I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing,
that I'm just no good and you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without,
And a trembling child within.

So begins the parade of masks,
The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.

So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say but what I can not say.
It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.

The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn't
for I am everyman
and everywoman
who wears a mask.

Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.

2007-03-01T01:00:00.000-08:00

I just created this new blog. a freer version. where I can start my online journal!