Meredith Gray

Dr. Meredith Grey: At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross.

Dr. Meredith Grey: You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.

Dr. Meredith Grey: At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

Dr. Meredith Grey: A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

Dr. Meredith Grey: Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

Dr. Meredith Grey: I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you've crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, and I don't know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself

Dr. Meredith Grey: I've heard that it's possible to grow up - I've just never met anyone who's actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don't go our way, we whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark, we look for comfort where we can find it, and we hope - against all logic, against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope...

Dr. Meredith Grey: If you knew this was your last day on Earth, how would you wanna spend it

Dr. Meredith Grey: Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.

Dr. Meredith Grey: Pick *me*. Choose *me*. Love *me*.

Dr. Meredith Grey: Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

Dr. Meredith Grey: There's something to be said about a glass half full. About knowing when to say when. I think it's a floating line. A barometer of need and desire. It's entirely up to the individual. And depends on what's being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there's no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless. And all we want, is more.

Dr. Meredith Grey: Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

Dr. Meredith Grey: Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes to simply be human. Maybe, we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

Dr. Meredith Grey: At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.

Dr. Meredith Grey: Four hundred years ago, another well-known English guy had an opinion about being alone. John Donne. He thought we were never alone. Of course, it was fancier when he said it. "No man is an island entire unto himself." Boil down that island talk, and he just meant that all anyone needs is someone to step in and let us know we're not alone. And who's to say that someone can't have four legs. Someone to play with or run around with, or just hang out.

Dr. Meredith Grey: Sometimes doing something is worse than doing nothing.

Dr. Meredith Grey: When you were a kid, it was Halloween candy. You hid it from your parents and you ate it until you got sick. In college, it was the heavy combo of youth, tequila and well, you know. As a surgeon, you take as much of the good as you can get because it doesn't come around nearly as often as it should. 'Cause good things aren't always what they seem. Too much of anything, even love, is not always a good thing.

Dr. Meredith Grey: How do you know when how much is too much? Too much too soon. Too much information. Too much fun. Too much love. Too much to ask... And when is it all just too much to bear?

Dr. Meredith Grey: Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.

Dr. Meredith Grey: The fantasy is simple. Pleasure is good. And twice as much pleasure is better. That pain is bad. And no pain is better. But the reality is different. The reality is that pain is there to tell us something. And there is only so much pleasure we can take without getting a stomachache. And maybe that's okay. Maybe some fantasies are only supposed to live in our dreams.

Dr. Meredith Grey: At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

Piracy

Piracy. I know its a crime.

Like I know I wouldn't steal a cellphone. I wouldn't steal a car.

But let's face it. Pirated CDs are so cheap as compared to the original items.

And I figure, in a third world country such as the Philippines,

buying these pirated CDs wouldn't matter, coz so few can ill afford to buy a P300-500 worth CD.

This year has been the year that I've discovered the lure of pirated CDs.

What with my self-imposed exile, a lot of my time has been spent at home

watching these CDs. Am especially partial to CDs of television series,

& weekend marathons (16 or more hours) watching these shows,

is my current addiction.

Here are the television shows in CD version, that I've watched this year:

* Prison Break (Season 1 & 2) = Lincoln Burrows is on death row for the murder of the vice president's brother. He insists he's innocent and only his brother Michael Scofield believes him. As an engineer who helped design the prison where Lincoln is being held, Michael takes drastic measures to help his brother. He gets himself arrested and sent to the same prison so that with his knowledge of the building the two of them can escape together. However, while inside, Michael discovers a massive conspiracy that is determined to see Lincoln's sentence carried out. Breaking out will be more difficult than he thought, but he's still going to try. (Note: I like this series because, hell, I can so relate with the characters, that feeling of being imprisoned & wanting to break free).

* Heroes = the story of several people who "thought they were like everyone else... until they woke with incredible abilities" such as telepathy, time travel and flight. These people soon realize they have a role in preventing a catastrophe and saving mankind. The series follows the writing style of American comics with short, multi-episode story arcs story that build upon a larger, more encompassing arc. (Note: Always been fascinated with superheroes, from watching Superfriends & the Hall of Justice, back in my childhood days. If I had a superpower abilities, well, I'd love to have the ability to teleport - coz I hate commuting!, but on a deeper level, I'd love the power to bring out the good in people, sort of a more active power than that dwarf character in Xmen who had the power to strip Xmen of their powers when he's in the vicinity)

* Invasion = When a small town at the edge of the Florida Everglades is threatened by a raging hurricane, U.S. Park Ranger Russell Varon must go to great lengths to protect the small community and his family safe. During the storm his young daughter claims to have seen mysterious lights, seemingly unaffected by the gale-force winds, floating near the water. Varon dismisses the sighting, but begins to wonder if there really was some truth to the story after his missing ex-wife turns up naked and her memory of the storm is completely gone.While the community begins to clean up after the storm and piece their lives back together, Varon begins to investigate the strange happenings as he tries to make sense of what is happening. (Note: I'm fascinated with aliens also, I started watching this on TV's Crime & Suspense channel & was so happy that there was a CD available)

* Jericho = After a nuclear disaster caused by several terrorist attacks destroys most of America, residents of a small Kansas town must come to terms with a new and very different reality. (Note: I love end of the world scenarios, or disaster movies/genre. There's something about contemplating the end of the world, that puts all things in perspective)

* Lost (Seasons 1-3) = follows the lives of Oceanic flight 815 survivors on a tropical island, somewhere in the South Pacific. (Note: Always toyed with the idea, what if I'm shipwrecked on an island, well I wouldn't mind if I'm in the company of these guys: Jack, Sawyer, Sayid,Charlie....The mystery of this island gets me hooked though, like where is it that these people are really?)

* Grey's Anatomy (Season 3) = A drama centered on the personal and professional lives of five surgical interns and their supervisors. (Note: I just love the dialogue! Plus, my first dream was always to become a doctor...)

* Commander-In-Chief: (Note:Technically, this shouldn't be in my list, because I'm just watching this on TV. But the story is so good, & this for me is the best of all I've mentioned above. I actually saw a CD of this in the mall, & this was before I saw the first TV episode, I had thought of buying it but was low on funds that day. When I went back to buy it, it was gone. So bad! So I actually sacrific & stay up till 11:30 pm Wed nights just to watch this on TV.Imagine!)Mackenzie Allen (Academy Award®-winner Geena Davis), the 45-year-old Independent Vice President of the United States, is about to venture into territory no woman has entered before. While at an official ceremony with husband and Chief of Staff Rod Allen (Kyle Secor), she is informed by the President's Chief of Staff, Jim Gardner (Harry Lennix), and the Attorney General that President Bridges is about to undergo emergency brain surgery for a tumor.MacKenzie Allen becomes the first woman American president after she ascends to the job following the death of president Teddy Bridges.

Well, the bummer about watching television series on pirated CDs is that they run out of episodes, & you have to wait for the next season. But then, I guess its a good thing really, coz you can't just go on and on and on....

MY FAVORITE THINGS

My Favorite Things

Raindrops & roses & whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles & warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose & eyelashes
Silver white winters that flow into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

I’ve always loved the "My Favorite Things" song in the musical "The Sound of Music"
And so when I’m feeling a little bit let down,
Here’s my own personal list of my favorite things.

Birthday cakes & Valentines Day
Trying on and buying clothes
Windowshopping
Watching movies while eating a Flame It Teriyaki Burger with Onion Rings
Coaching Time with Niel
Friday nights that lead to happening weekends
Out of town trips
Eating shawarma & licking the sauce on my fingers (& trying to hide so people won’t see)
Watching fireworks with my kids
Listening to love songs on the radio
Singing my heart out
Gloomy,downcast days with no rain
Divisoria shopping
Wrapping and giving Christmas gifts
Paying debts
Yellow Cab New York’s Finest Pizza & Charlie Chan Pasta
Sizzling sisig
Wearing sexy clothes and looking fab
Being told I don’t look my age
That satisfied feeling after facilitating a training session when I know I’ve done my best
Late night outs & being free
Travelling to a new place I’ve never been to before
Holding hands
Holidays merged into long weekends
Wednesdays

Writing and giving Toastmasters speeches & entering (& winning!) speech contests
Having money for taxi rides & body massages
Finding unique bargains while Ukay-ukay shopping
Jounal writing
Reading romance novels on a rainy day
Waking up from a lovely dream
Hotel stays with the family
The smell of garlic frying on the stove
Lasagna
Finding new things to add to my moon collection
Mermaids
Making lists

Well, These are indeed a few of my favorite things !!!

MAYDAY!

Mayday!

"Mayday!" is the ultimate distress signal, recognized by sailors all over the world. It approximates the French term "m'aider", meaning "come help me!" This is an apt title to describe how the month of May has been for me.

Personal Goals:
Spiritual: Am still ok here I guess. And its funny how I’ve met people (in two different events) who recognize me because they’ve seen me in church. This was a signal for me that going back to church is something right, coz considering that we arrive late & I really don’t mingle much, but napapansin din pala. But its been a spiritually, psychologically trying time for me Mayday!). More on this later on.

Social: Worked so hard for the May18-20 Discon! Met old Mla Toastmasters friends, & worked with
Cebu Toastmasters group, plus touched base with my SJS, Copper & Aboitiz TM clubs. Met new people too, & renewed ties with "significant" friends.! Had fun interviewing champion speech contestants over the phone & though this article didn’t see fine print, I learned a lot nevertheless. And the learnings from watching the speech contests was mind-boggling! I don’t know if I’ll be speech champion ready material next time.

The Discon was a major event & this serves as my Travel/Rest/Recreation Event for May also.

Mental: Finished my 1st trisem in USJR Doctoral class. It was hectic cramming for all those papers
I didn’t get to do because of the Discon, but I had fun and learned nevertheless. The classes are so easy!

Financial: Got my mid-year 13th month bonus, but used this to pay for kid’s school tuition fees, Club Ultima payments and the like. Am starting to use my Citibank Credit Card, will see how this pans out later on. Am still keeping myself afloat financially I guess.

My Roles:
Mother: Ok with the kids. Whole family, including Cuyos family, attended Prime’s Summer Outing at
Hadsan beach. I have sunburn on my face & back! Ate Jennylyn, Miguel’s new Yaya is working out
really great. I was also able to have China enrolled for this coming schoolyear.

Wife: Mayday! Where do I even begin?!?! Its been difficult, & has escalated into more frequent talks
on separation. But since he’s threatened getting custody of the kids, this changes things. His attitude
too is so mercurial, & the times that he’s lucid and affectionate are his more humane moments (buti
na lang meron kahit papaano) that I hang on to. Its so hard for me to describe what I’m going through
right now, and maybe the only way to describe how worst it has gotten for me can be shown in that
On two occasions, I’ve resorted to prescription drug abuse as a way to escape from my hellish reality.
But I’ve stopped na, & it was just those two times (yeah, & that’s what every drug addict says….not
That I’m turning into one….)I’m working on my marriage though, & just to please my husband, I’ll
Be taking a hiatus from my USJR Doctoral studies, & am giving up my plans on attending the US
Discon, & have even declined attending Toastmaster meetings & events, as well as other non-TM
activities, I’m just staying put at home most of the time. Of course, that’s still not enough for him
as he said.

Work: Work has been a blur due to events in my personal life & how busy I am (my marriage, Toastmasters Discon, my doctoral studies,etc). And it shouldn’t be coz there is so much to do,
Especially in the light of having no boss to report to (we have no HR Director yet) & our HR
Manager went on a month-long leave pa gyud. And I have hang-ups pa with my team, though
I’ve gone out of my way to talk to them from time to time, just that am not sure though if this is
Enough.

Mayday! My ship is in distress! And to think I started this year by making a collage of my 2007 dreams
Using a lot of nautical navigational symbols. Travelling is something I want to do, but the waves
Pull me to shore, & I am floundering amidst the jagged rocks, as they scrape the bottom of my
ship….

Time Flies When You're Having F.U.N.

This has been the fastest year of my life. I can’t believe its already May, & its like the year is almost over. I guess I’m different from most people, coz time goes so fast for most when they’re having fun. For me, I tend to speed dial time & breeze through my days when I don’t particularly like what I’m experiencing at the moment, or I go through time in a daze coz I hanker and look forward to the time when things might get better. So F.U.N. could probably stand for, oh I don’t know, a fundamentally unhappy nightmare of a life.

Or maybe I’m just being melodramatic, as always. Well, only a look back at how April was for me, can answer that.

Personal Goals
Spiritual- Only went to Church once this month. Had my first massage of the year – imagine! Maybe that’s why this year has not been such a blast. I do need more of my massages.

Mental- My 1st real USJR Doctoral Class (I was sick & absent last month) – wrote and directed training vignette with my classmates. HR and Industrial Relations class presentations and reports. Never realized Doctoral class was this easy.

Social- Haven't been going out much due to my current lovelife (hah!) problems. Just Holiday Plaza Rooftop with Discon Committee, & even that was just to eat & run.

Financial- Rethinking my coop finances and loans due to Coop Gen Assembly & Annual Dividends Distribution and Results. Explored other potential financial investments (meeting with Prulife & PhilamLife). Paid my life insurance, 1st quarterly payment. Feeling the brunt of paying Club Ultima payments though am still managing things. But there's something to be said for me getting a take home pay of less than 10K. I really must be doing something wrong.

Travel/Rest and Recreation- Didn’t really travel much, but had marathon CD watching for the first time, with Heroes, and Prison Break, and countless VCD movies. Spent Kadaugan holiday walking along downtown Cebu, Colon. Tripping lang.

My Roles
Mother- Holy Week holidays – spending time at home & at Club Ultima or Crown Regency swimming with the kids for so many times, swimming at Vano beach with family, Lower Hermag Fiesta & riding the ferris wheel with the kids. My son's many yaya's: the tomboy, Ate Merle, the one-day maid. Now Ate Jenn. I hope she stays.

Wife- Feeling nagged. His sniping, and side comments, and interrogative questions is getting to me. My nerves are getting frayed. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Really.

Work- Learned a new skill– what with attending an Integrated Mgt System Internal Auditors Training and conducting my first Internal IMS audit. Feeling bad due to feeling lost with Phil Measurements report delay and my own insecurities with working with my team, but there were ok times naman. Facilitated Completed Staff Work Training, & had a great time discussing the concept with supervisor participants.

Talents- Gave a talk on Employee Engagement at Southwestern University to MBA-Executives class. Loved their bouquet, certificate & personalized t-shirt tokens, as well as the sumptious lechon lunch. And they loved my talk! Not bad, considering I crammed final preparations.

Immediate Family- Ella's first year bday celebration in Jollibee. Talking with Ate Ethel for her bday & with Mom on the phone.

Toastmasters- Attended my first Taipan meeting of the year! And my only TM meeting for the month. I’ve taken such a hiatus from TM. Starting to get busy with Secretariat and Registration though.

Homemaker- I managed to clean & organize the music room during the Holy Week.Yehey!

This is all for April I guess. Am really just coping & living with it day by day. But am still OK.

BEST FRIENDS

My first best friend, Joy,
Was my cousin, who I grew up with
& we even called each other as twin sisters.
We went to Kinder, Grades 1 & 2 together.
But lost touch when we moved to Davao,
& although we wrote each other from when we were young
& now we’re living in the same place & see each other
from time to time.
Things have never been the same.

My second best friend, Melody,
Was my classmate in Grade 3.
And we remained classmates till Grade 6.
We were close, & I can’t remember
How we we became best friends,
But it sure felt good to have a friend
Since I was the new kid in class.
I’m not exactly sure how we stopped
Being best friends, coz I don’t recall
Fighting, we just outgrew each other I guess.

I had my first barkada in Grade 6, with Liza & Jennifer.
We were inseparable, & talked endlessly,
For at this age, we’d discovered boys.
We’d eat lunch together, & they’d both
Go with me, even til high school,
When we’d still troop back to the grade
School canteen to have lunch with my sisters.
We stayed as a barkada from Grade 6 till first year high school.
Then things changed, as it often does,
During high school.

My high school barkada, & I call them such
Are Jercyl, Rowee, Suzette, Arlene, Deanna, & Myrha.
I remember barkada sleep-overs in my house in Lark St.

In college, all through-out, there was our barkada:
Glet, Leah, Celes, Redge, Karen, Princess & me.
I became a Christian because of these guys.

Entablado, though a barkada,
Was a loosely organized bunch of friends for me.
Depending on what year & what group:
And although, Karen, Loren, Jobert, Joesen, Joy,
Jason, Ama, Bards, Juan, Bombit, Obit,
and so many others
Will always be friends to me,
I felt most times in, but at other times out
& just went my own merry way.

It was the same with work,
I have my Aboitiz friends: Welda, Riella, Jovy,
Chris, Alpin, Arne
My Toastmaster friends.
But I also have a separate life.
Apart from them.

And that's me I guess,
I've been blessed to have had best and close friends
Over the years
But I still prefer to keep my own company
Like a cat, who gets all cuddly with people,
but prefers to walk and explore alone.

And perhaps that's why
Niel
Is my bestest friend of all.
He's been there, for
Thirteen years.
And though we've had our
physical parting of ways several times over the years
The emotional bond of friendship
Has always been there.

The friends I've mentioned here
I've lost, then found once again
through the years.
And once you've let someone
into your soul, & into your life.
They don't ever leave you I guess.

So maybe yes,
I am a solitary soul.
But I have met & needed friends
to get me through all these years.

Forever More

And they lived happily ever after.
Happiness and love is equated with forever.
Somehow the thought of forever is a long wished for dream.
And yet, looking back at my life.
I realize that many events in my life go through phases
& forever is a condition I am most unaccustomed to.

For instance…
I was a happy-go-lucky child,
Growing up in Cebu. But,
I was all of 8 when we moved to Davao, in 1983.
Seven years later, in 1990,I entered a new phase in my life,
College, & "moved" to Manila to pursue a degree in Psyhology.
In 1993, my family sold our house in Davao
& we moved back to Cebu.
I graduated college in 1994.
Moved back to Cebu for a year to teach (my first job)
Moved back to Manila to be with my friends in 1995
And what I had come to see as home.
Taught from 1995-1997,
Moved to an HR job in 1997 till 1998.
Moved back to Cebu in 1998
To take care of the house & be with the family business
As my parents moved to the States.
Got married in 1999.
Moved back to Manila to live with my in-laws in 2000.
Polluted Manila, far from being the exciting world
Of my college days, didn’t agree with me,
So moved back to Cebu in 2001.

Got into my old job, stayed there till 2003
When I moved into my current job.
At four & ½ years, this is my longest
Working stay in a company.
And
For whatever its worth, being married
For seven years is the longest commitment
I’ve had to a person.
So maybe that’s why I ache,
And feel ready for a change.

They say
A rolling stone gathers no moss.
But still,
I am the person I am
for all the changes I've gone through in my life.
Maybe its time for me to stay put
and dig deep into the ground, & grow roots.

Still, change beckons to me like a siren's call over the horizon...