It was a dark and rainy night. As I drowsily prepared myself for bed in my negligee,
I turned to my special someone to bestow a goodnight kiss.
When, all my senses were suddenly aroused… by this one, not so innocent question…
“Mama, what is sex?”
It was my 7 year old daughter, imploringly looking up at me, as I was tucking her to sleep.
Thus comes the time every parent dreads. All the Table topics questions in the world, all the Toastmasters meetings, all the speech contests, could not have prepared me for the anxiety of this moment. I had to think of an answer…and fast!
“Well, you already know where babies come from. From the stomachs of mommies. Well, sex is what happens so the baby gets there in the first place. But you don’t have to worry about it. Only BIG boys and girls when they grow up & become men and women, only then do they have sex.” I so desperately wanted to end the discussion right then & there.
But with the natural inquisitiveness (& stubbornness!) of a child, she persisted:
“Do people like to have sex?”
Quite reluctantly, I replied. “Well, yes, it feels good so people like to do it”
“You mean, like eating ice cream!”.
‘Yes, except sex is hot, not cold”. Oh golly gee, I could have kicked myself for saying that.
Stupefied at what I’d blurted out, my mind blanked & flickered back to the past.
I was 14 years old, & I had just asked my mom that same old question.
Did she also look as terror-stricken as I did now?
What I do remember though is my Mom, a staunch conservative, telling me…
“Sex is something only married couples do. The best gift you can give your husband is that of being the first.” Heavy! Only my mom could talk about sex & virginity in one sentence.
Still, even at that tender age of 14, something inside me rebelled at the thought.
Being 1st should not be the best gift, me being anyone’s wife should be!
And to think I followed her advice to the letter. There I was, at 25, a quarter of a century old!
It was the end of the millennium, & people were frightened of the Y2K bug.
Me, I was more scared of bigger, more important things.
What if the world ended, & I would die… a virgin!
And so, I met this man, & we were both the first for each other, we even got married!
No, Mom. Older & wiser now, I can say: “You were wrong. It’s not about being first.
Being the last is the best gift.”
Perhaps its time for us to face all the myths & misconceptions we’ve been bombarded with about sex. Why the taboo, the hesitation to talk about sex. Not with our children, coz that will always be awkward. But hey we’re all mature adults here. So let’s talk about sex. We shouldn’t cringe to talk about something so basic. After all, you wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for sex.
Sex shouldn’t be seen as something dirty. Perhaps that’s why sex is supposed to put us in a setting where we are naked, as the day we were born. Because it’s supposed to be innocent.
So here’s my take on sex. & being a Psychology major, I’d like to explain it using Maslow’s hierarchy of needs:
1st: sex is physiological: it’s a need. Simple as that. Talk about spontaneous combustion, of fire & perspiration, of a feel-good wrestling under the sheets kind of thing. Sex is a need as basic as food, water & air. Most guys though get stuck in this stage.
Not for me. My sexual fantasy is to meet this really fabulous guy & as we are kissing each other (told you it was a fantasy!), I’d say: “I’m sorry, I don’t believe in one night stands”. & he’d tell me, “Babe, don’t worry, we’ll still be doing this for many nights to come. & I promise you, we won’t be doing much standing…” a steamy kissing scene follows & the camera shoots upward.. As it always does in the movies…!)
Back to Maslow. 2nd: Sex means safety. That should make us laugh. For nowadays, sex is FAR from safe. What with AIDS, STDs & multiple partners. Following Maslow’s model though, sex would mean doing it to feel secure. & well, to a certain extent, having someone to hold you tight, even if it’s just for a brief moment, can indeed lull you into a false sense of security.
3rd, sex is a social need. This is when you have sex, just to "have somebody get you through the night" (sing line from "Way Back Into Love"). Sex is better after all, when done with a friend. Talk about friends with benefits!
We should not forget though, that sex can & SHOULD fulfill higher needs.
Maslow’s last 2 higher levels are self-esteem & self-actualization.
& this is where we see the difference between sex and making love.
4th,Sex is about self-esteem. Sex shouldn’t be something that demeans you. It should be about respecting the other person, but most of all, sex should also be about respecting yourself. I don’t know if you’ve found yourself at a time when you just need to get out of that sexual relationship because you start losing yourself.
Lastly, sex is self-actualization. It’s about finding and becoming the best person you were meant to be. It’s about finding that one person & saying, “You complete me”. And isn’t that what sex essentially is. Sex should be about finally, finding someone to fill up that emptiness inside you (literally as well as figuratively).
So perhaps, that is how I would explain sex to my daughter, WHEN she turns 14.
And hope she wouldn’t ask me any more hard sex questions…like…
Should sex only be done within the confines of marriage?
Even I wouldn’t touch that speech topic with a 10-foot pole.
I’ll leave that for TM Jovy to answer. TM of the Evening/Contest Host….
