I was actually feeling depressed during my 35th birthday. I am the sort who usually does one
big thing to commemorate one's birthday, such as having fireworks during my 30th. Or writing my Last Will & Testament on my 31st bday. Well the 35th sounds like such a solid, round number. My big action for this birthday was to take off my wedding ring. It was a difficult thing to do actually, & I never realized how much I had depended on having a wedding ring around my finger. I realize that several times throughout the day, I actually touch my wedding ring, & have become used to wearing it, in the same way that I have become accustomed to wearing a watch. I'd practically feel naked if I don't have my watch around my wrist. So maybe in spite of the hardships & turmoil of marriage, I have become accustomed after all to being married. Perhaps psychologically, being married made me feel secure. Marital status does define one's concept in life, for after meeting someone, aside from asking the name, the profession, one is usually asked after all if one is married or single.
Which is why I was depressed during my birthday, because accepting the finality of a failed marriage meant a loss of identity, after all. Its true that my husband was with his faults (which I will enumerate later), but having a partner (although he was not in the real sense, a life partner, after all, because I never felt as extremely lonely in my entire life as I did when I was married). Still, the thought of being married had a certain landmark event attached to it, of reaching a certain stage in one's life. And having that taken away, or accepting the end of it, meant such an abject loss for me. So I kept thinking that here I am in my mid-thirties, & I have a failed marriage behind me. And the thought of failing at such a momentous, important venture, a marriage, was too much to bear. But accept it I have to, so I can move on.
So just to console myself & make it easier for me to move on, I think its time for me to list down why ending my marriage was the best, viable option for me. And in so doing, help others understand. So here goes:
I am glad that my marriage ended because:
1. I am no longer afraid to hear our main house door open late at night (I never realized until he left, how much I cringe inside each time I hear the door open, signalling the fact that he is home & I should watch out & be on my toes. For the 1st few months after he left, I'd still catch myself be physically startled,each time the door opens.
2. Similarly, I am no longer as afraid to hear heavy footsteps on the floor. Like last night I was sleeping, & I was woken up at mid-dawn to hear heavy footsteps in the room. I was roused from sleep, feeling afraid because I was reminded of my husband being in the room, only to find with relief that it was my sister rummaging in my closet, apparently to look for something coz she had a dawn flight to catch.
3. I can now stop limiting myself from self-improvement pursuits, such as finishing & getting my Doctorate degree or joining contests, or be in leadership positions, or Toastmasters, & such. He had expressed in the past that if I become more skilled, or "higher" than him, that I wouldn't want to be with him.
4. I no longer have to live in an environment where I have someone who verbally abuses me, & calls me names, & makes me feel so small & incompetent.
5. I no longer have to see him spanking & physically hurting my son.
6. I no longer have to feel like a prostitute. I often feel that prostitutes even have it better, because even though they put up with someone they find repulsive, they still get paid. A lot of hype is being said about marital rape, but it doesn't really feel like rape, because there is no physical violence or anything dramatic that happens. Its just that women just go along, with consenting to have sex with their partners, because saying no is not really an option. Its easier to just go along with it, rather than to have to fight & put up with the recriminations that can last for days, because you didn't want to have sex.
7. I no longer have to make excuses as to why I have to be the one to financially support my kids.
8. I can be myself. Me!!!!
9. I can be beautiful once again, wear whatever I like, & be sexy. I can have a manicure, without having to hide my fingernails so he woudn't see that I had colored nails. He would often say that I go through all these things, which should be "normal" routine for any woman, so I could snag more men.
10. I can go home anytime I want.
11. I can go out with friends. I can even have friends!
big thing to commemorate one's birthday, such as having fireworks during my 30th. Or writing my Last Will & Testament on my 31st bday. Well the 35th sounds like such a solid, round number. My big action for this birthday was to take off my wedding ring. It was a difficult thing to do actually, & I never realized how much I had depended on having a wedding ring around my finger. I realize that several times throughout the day, I actually touch my wedding ring, & have become used to wearing it, in the same way that I have become accustomed to wearing a watch. I'd practically feel naked if I don't have my watch around my wrist. So maybe in spite of the hardships & turmoil of marriage, I have become accustomed after all to being married. Perhaps psychologically, being married made me feel secure. Marital status does define one's concept in life, for after meeting someone, aside from asking the name, the profession, one is usually asked after all if one is married or single.
Which is why I was depressed during my birthday, because accepting the finality of a failed marriage meant a loss of identity, after all. Its true that my husband was with his faults (which I will enumerate later), but having a partner (although he was not in the real sense, a life partner, after all, because I never felt as extremely lonely in my entire life as I did when I was married). Still, the thought of being married had a certain landmark event attached to it, of reaching a certain stage in one's life. And having that taken away, or accepting the end of it, meant such an abject loss for me. So I kept thinking that here I am in my mid-thirties, & I have a failed marriage behind me. And the thought of failing at such a momentous, important venture, a marriage, was too much to bear. But accept it I have to, so I can move on.
So just to console myself & make it easier for me to move on, I think its time for me to list down why ending my marriage was the best, viable option for me. And in so doing, help others understand. So here goes:
I am glad that my marriage ended because:
1. I am no longer afraid to hear our main house door open late at night (I never realized until he left, how much I cringe inside each time I hear the door open, signalling the fact that he is home & I should watch out & be on my toes. For the 1st few months after he left, I'd still catch myself be physically startled,each time the door opens.
2. Similarly, I am no longer as afraid to hear heavy footsteps on the floor. Like last night I was sleeping, & I was woken up at mid-dawn to hear heavy footsteps in the room. I was roused from sleep, feeling afraid because I was reminded of my husband being in the room, only to find with relief that it was my sister rummaging in my closet, apparently to look for something coz she had a dawn flight to catch.
3. I can now stop limiting myself from self-improvement pursuits, such as finishing & getting my Doctorate degree or joining contests, or be in leadership positions, or Toastmasters, & such. He had expressed in the past that if I become more skilled, or "higher" than him, that I wouldn't want to be with him.
4. I no longer have to live in an environment where I have someone who verbally abuses me, & calls me names, & makes me feel so small & incompetent.
5. I no longer have to see him spanking & physically hurting my son.
6. I no longer have to feel like a prostitute. I often feel that prostitutes even have it better, because even though they put up with someone they find repulsive, they still get paid. A lot of hype is being said about marital rape, but it doesn't really feel like rape, because there is no physical violence or anything dramatic that happens. Its just that women just go along, with consenting to have sex with their partners, because saying no is not really an option. Its easier to just go along with it, rather than to have to fight & put up with the recriminations that can last for days, because you didn't want to have sex.
7. I no longer have to make excuses as to why I have to be the one to financially support my kids.
8. I can be myself. Me!!!!
9. I can be beautiful once again, wear whatever I like, & be sexy. I can have a manicure, without having to hide my fingernails so he woudn't see that I had colored nails. He would often say that I go through all these things, which should be "normal" routine for any woman, so I could snag more men.
10. I can go home anytime I want.
11. I can go out with friends. I can even have friends!
12. I can sleep in peace, without being woken up in the middle of the night, & not have to "service" him. The stark reality of it which I found deplorable, is that I already have to work my ass off during the day, to support my family, yet I still had to do it in bed. It wouldn't do to just lie down, but I was required to "perform".
13. I now sing! Music was such an important part of my life. I used to be the sort to sing anywhere & anytime, from waiting for jeepneys, to walking as I go along my way. Its only been in the past months, that I've realized that all the years I'd been married, that I'd forgotten to sing. My heart was so heavy that the music had died down within me. I realized this because just recently,I found myself singing along to a tune in the radio, & I was startled to find myself doing it. It was like finding myself all over again.
14. I no longer have to tell people that I'm ok.
15. I can write in my diary again. I had stopped writing, which for me is as natural a part of me as singing. I had found myself, in the early years of my marriage, that writing down each time I got hurt, only made it worse. Now I have so many joyful, happy events in my life to write about.
16. I can be successful in my career. I earnestly believe, that I would have been a manager sooner, if not for him. I could have focused more, excelled more, worked harder more, had it not been for the distractions of marriage.
17. I can allow myself to be emotionally close to my family once again. I am a very private person, & even my family knows that I can "live in my own world". But I have distanced myself from them all this time. Its difficult to share my pain on something that I had willingly decided & put myself into. And admit that I made a mistake, after all.
And there are so many reasons more...
Barring any accidents, or God's will for my life, I sincerely expect to live for at least another 35 years more. I may be feeling a bit low & "grieving" at this point in my life, but the future does look very promising for me. A future filled with limitless possibilities....of dreaming and carrying on....
So yes, I will certainly become accustomed to NOT having a ring around that finger.
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