It was a dark and rainy night. As I got ready for bed in my sexy negligee,I turned to my special someone to bestow a goodnight kiss.When, all my senses were suddenly aroused… by this, not so innocent question…
“Mama, what is sex?”It was my 7 year old daughter, looking up at me, as I was tucking her to sleep.Ladies & gentlemen, Toastmasters & friends, have you ever had a time in your life when you were at a complete & utter loss for words? This is the moment every parent dreads. All the Table topics questions in the world, all the Toastmasters meetings, all the speech contests I had joined, could not have prepared me for the anxiety of this moment. I had to think of an answer…and fast!
“Well, babies come from the stomachs of mommies. Sex is how the baby gets there. But don’t think about it. Only BIG boys and girls when they grow very old, only then do they have sex.” I desperately wanted to end the discussion right then & there.
But with the natural inquisitiveness (& stubbornness!) of a child, she persisted: “Do people like to have sex?”
Reluctantly, I replied. “Well, yes, it feels good so people like to do it”
“You mean, like eating ice cream!”.
‘Yes, but sex is hot, not cold”. I could have kicked myself for saying that. Stupefied at what I’d blurted out, my mind blanked & flickered back to the past.I was 14 years old, & had asked my mom that same question.Did she also look as terror-stricken as I did now?
What I do remember is my Mom, a staunch conservative, telling me…“Sex is something only married couples do. The best gift you can give your husband is that of being the first.” Heavy! Only my mom could talk about sex & virginity in one sentence.
Still, even at that tender age of 14, something inside me rebelled at the thought.Being 1st should not be the best gift, me being anyone’s wife should be!
And to think I followed her advice to the letter. There I was, at 25, a quarter of a century old!It was the end of the millennium, & people were frightened of the Y2K bug. Me, I was more scared of bigger, more important things.What if the world came to an end, & I would die… a virgin!
And so, I met this man, & we were both the first for each other. We even got married!No, Mama. Older & wiser now, I can tell you: “You were wrong. It’s not about being first.Being last is the best gift.”
Its time for us to face all the myths we’ve been bombarded about sex. Why the taboo, the hesitation to talk about it. Not with our children, because THAT will always be awkward.
But hey we’re all mature adults here. Let’s talk about sex. We shouldn’t cringe to talk about something so basic. After all, Edmund, you wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for sex.
Sex shouldn’t be seen as something dirty. Perhaps that’s why sex puts us in a setting where we are naked, as the day we were born. Because it’s supposed to be innocent.Well, I’m going to talk about sex. People like to do it because sex satisfies 3 needs: sensory, safety & self-actualization.
1st: sex is sensory. It’s physiological: a need as basic as food, water & air. Simple as that. It’s about feelings, the physical, elemental kind. Talk about spontaneous combustion, of fire & perspiration, of a feel-good wrestling under the sheets kind of thing. A lot of men though get stuck in this stage.
Not for me. My sexual fantasy is to meet this really fabulous guy & as we are kissing each other, I’d say: “I’m sorry, I don’t believe in one night stands”. & he’d tell me, “Lenore, don’t worry, we’ll still be doing this for many nights to come. & I promise you, you won’t be doing much standing…” a steamy kissing scene follows & the camera shoots upward...As it always does in the movies…!)
2nd: Sex is safety. But nowadays, sex is FAR from safe. Back in Gov. Noli’s day, you ask: “Are you safe?” so as not to get a girl pregnant. Today, we have AIDS, STDs & multiple partners. “Are you safe?” means more. But on a deeper level, some have sex to feel secure. Having someone hold you tight, even for a brief moment, can lull you into a false sense of security. And yet, you do need to be with someone you feel safe with. After all, sex needs trust, not all thrust!
Lastly, sex is self-actualization. It’s about finding and becoming the best person you were meant to be. How? Because you’ve found that one person to say, “You complete me”. It’s finally, finding someone to fill up that emptiness inside you (figuratively AND literally). It’s someone looking at me, really looking at me, & seeing not just a body (although I have to admit, it is a pretty ravishing body). For my lover to see me as a person (with fears, hopes, desires & dreams). It’s being naked not just with someone, but being naked TO someone. To bare not just my body, but to bare my own soul.
For all fortunate enough to find this, making love (not mere sex) feels like coming home, a transcendent bliss & complete union; a coming together of two bodies, & the melding of two souls. This is the kind of sex that can’t be rushed, & yes, dear daughter, this is the kind of sex worth waiting for.
And that’s how I will explain sex to my daughter, WHEN she turns 14.
Fellow Toastmasters, whatever state you find yourself in:
Whether you’re after the pleasurable sensations sex brings;
Or whether you just need to feel safe in the haven of someone’s arms
Or, if you’re seeking & willing to wait for so much more ---
My one, fervent desire for all is only this ---
I wish all of you…love.
Contest Host.
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