The Ides of March

The Ides of March

Wow! I can’t believe that the first quarter of the year will soon be over. March is nearly over, & we’ll be celebrating April Fool’s Day this weekend. I feel like life has just passed me by, and I wonder where the year has went. Well, here’s a listing of how 2007 so far has been for me.

PERSONAL
Spiritual: I missed church for the last 2 consecutive Sundays,but mostly because of being sick. I still believe am ok with my God though, & will plan something spiritual for Holy Week next week.

Mental: I got my Doctoral assignments & reports done ahead of time. Which is why it was such a bummer to miss class due to being sick with the flu. I like being in school, & working on papers & stuff. It gives me something important to do. I also finished the book, "The Success Principles" by Jack Canfield, though I still feel far from successful. Still, the book was such a mental rush.

Physical: I got sick with the flu, & was absent for 1 ½ days, which broke my record of being present at work & minimizing my absences. Still, I was able to work out at the gym for the very first time, yehey! & swimming with the kids, as part of my new Club Ultima membership.

Social: I had no social life to speak of this March! And, its all because of you know who. And this is not me, as introspective and introverted a person that I am, I realize I am a very outgoing person, I need to go out! So am slowly going crazy…..But then, had to balance it with keeping the peace at home. Good thing, Monette calls me several times during the week. Gives me the semblance of having a social life at all.

Travel: Am more of am a homebody these days, the only travel, or stepping out of my limits, that I can think of, is going to Club Ultima. Although had a food trip (buffet lunch) with HR team leaders at Waterfront Mactan, due to Lexington visitors. The food was heavenly! Though our visitors were in a hurry, so we had no time for seconds. Bad!

Financial: I was able to pay a lot of my debts! A major bulk went to paying kid’s school tuition fees, Toastmasters, insurance. Yehey! This is really something to celebrate! But embarked on a financial investment with Angel that scares the shit out of me (pardon the expression). Getting the Club Ultima membership will entail a whole lot of belt-tightening, but am doing it, aside from the investment value, for the family, for my health (gym work-outs), and it feel kinda strange & good, to be deciding on something major such as this with my husband (because it was a joint decision).

MY ROLES
Wife: Not Good. Its been difficult keeping the peace at home, & it feels crazy to have given ammunition to my husband to lambast me & berate me at every turn, for making a mistake. I’ve tried so hard, & stopped my other commitments cold turkey, so to speak. Though its not making a dent in his consciousness. Garleth went home, for good, & this is another something I find difficult to forgive.

Mother: I paid my kid’s tuition dues, & that’s such a huge accomplishment. Its been difficult starting on a new dietary program with Miguel. China’s as upbeat as always, & won an award as "Most Respectful" in her Kinder graduation. Went swimming with the kids several times.

Team Leader: Not Good. I feel like things are slipping from me again, & my staff is working around me. Had an altercation with Caryn this month, when she raised her voice at me for something I did that did not sit well with her. Things are not going well at work, & its getting me down…

Training Officer: I guess the leadership part is getting to me, & work has suffered because of the depression I feel towards work & handling people. Still, Q1 is over, & there is still so much to do! So I need to get my act & energy in order!

Toastmasters: Worked as Contest Chairman during Mar3 Division C & I Contest, which was a very major, busy affair. Things worked out well I guess. Also attended Discon preparation meetings, & reported as Secretariat Head. Still, I missed some meetings & totally avoided Toastmasters meetings, just to avoid the wrath of Angel. Bad. So, so bad.

Old Family: Mom has called, & things are ok naman. Still have to drop an e-mail to the family though.

X-Men. Am good in this area. Had several surprising calls, but mostly about Toastmasters district affairs. He looks so sumptious from afar though, but I know now where I stand. Its just, so so sad.

Homemaker: Changed the lay-out in the bedroom, which did wonders to the room (made it more spacious). Also organized my closet. Even cooked a few times. I feel more of a homemaker, because am mostly at home now. And I never thought of myself as a homebody.

Other Crafts. Nothing done in this area. I need to organize my papers & books at home. Things are such a mess.

So what is it about the Ides of March? Well, I looked it up, & they say it’s a metaphor for impending doom. I can so relate…..

February

This is what I had posted for Feb.
An update on my goals for 2007.

PERSONAL
(1) Spiritual: I've been going to church regularly every Sun without fail this year.
Believe me,that is such a huge accomplishment for me coz I can't remember
the last time I did that. And to think, this is even one of the 10 commandments.
That's Bread of Life in Ayala every Sun morning,with the hubby.

(2) Mental: I pursued & started my doctoral in HR studies in USJR na. Yes!

(3) Physical: not good. Tumaba ako, I need to exercise & lose my belly
fat. Also need to take care of my personal appearance & look more
professional (make-up & look) = got this by looking at the trainers I've
attended in Jan & Feb.

(4) Social: am also ok here. got to go out many times via Tmasters
meetings, also with Aboitiz friends, & with Celes in Jan. I still feel
a bit restricted though coz no more late night out with friends (hey
clean fun, not dates) due to hubby.

(5) Financial: Was able to pay my first payment for life insurance.
I still need to pay tuition for kid's schooling though.

(6) Travel: K lang coz wala naman akong money so far.
Had planned to go out with the hubby Valentines weekend but
he had his Jaycees induction (yes,he's also getting to be busy
with social/civic activities)

MY ROLES
(7) Wife: ok. Hubby & I have been going out & I can't remember
the last time we've been tied to the hip & constantly being together
since we got married. He accompanies me to toastmaster meetings
so as to guard me nga. Things are a bit constricting for me, but
we're doing ok I guess. He still has to look for work though.

(8) Mother: ok. Transferred my son to a new school. Went out
with my daughter for her school functions. I still need to religiously
follow sensory integration therapy for miguel, but i've been
giving him his lotion massage almost every night.

(9) Team Leader: ok. I've had several meetings with my staff
& discussed team KBOs. I just really need to talk with my
staff everyday.

(10) Training Officer: Been busy with HR planning & major
HR & training projects. I believe its been a good start for the year.

(11) Toastmaster: Been attending Toastmaster meetings
in different clubs. I gave my High Performance Leadership
speech & will now need to forward credentials to Toastmasters
Intl so I can be credited, also worked out my being a mentor
to an Aboitiz club. I need these requirements so I can be given
my Advanced Leader norm & qualify for Distinguished
Toastmaster norm, the highest norm for Toastmasters.Yehey!
Been busy with Area & Division speech contests, & will
most probably be Division C Governor next year,handling
all 30 TM clubs in Cebu.

(12) Ole Family: Been writing to my family naman, & parents
are excited about my trip to the States, & are firming up
schedules. If I'll be granted my visa, I'll be flying home with
my parents.The whole family will have a reunion in August,
with both my Ates planning to come home. It'll
be the first time since 1990 that the whole family is together.Wow!

(13) X-men. not good. Though tremendous sacrifices have
been made by me in this area & the distance has been
really put, not the total break I am aiming for. Thats all I'm
going to share in this area. Tukso, layuan mo ako!

(14) Homemaker. Magulo pa rin ang bahay! Siempre
busy ako, & things are not as 5S or spic & span as
I would have liked. I try to make ligpit kahit one area/
item every night. I don't ever think I'll be done in this area.

(15) Other Crafts.Other small but important projects:
still havent finalized my scrapbooks in a
treasure chest (though I have an idea now for this) &
haven't updated my resume, or last will & testament.

February was very upbeat!

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

So. Soo. Tired.
All my life, I realize I’ve been trying so hard to get and earn respect from the people around me. I feel such a failure for feeling so insignificant, & why I don’t inspire respect from other people. What could I be doing wrong? Maybe I’m just feeling maudlin and generalizing things, but it does seem to be a pervasive trend in so many areas of my life. That the quality of my relationships with other people are lacking the respect factor. My husband doesn’t respect me in the sense that he doesn’t really admire & believe in the things I do, of my personal dreams & pursuits (be it Toastmasters, my doctoral studies, work, etc). At work, I also don’t see that I have the respect I need from the people I work with. I feel lost, & bewildered, sometimes, with how people can seem to work around me, that at times I stop to wonder, & say to myself, "Hey, something doesn’t seem to be right here, am I being stepped on, like a doormat?!". There are so many underlying tensions and things undiscussed at work, & though I know I could confront the issue right then & there, I’m too scared I guess. At home, well, in terms of the relationship I have with my sister, it really doesn’t seem like I’m the older sister, & I know that. My sis is more capable than I in handling the household, family business, finances --- & I wonder, why is that? Something must be wrong with me, in the way I handle things. But I’m at a loss on what to do. I just want to be competent and capable and successful, the kind of person people gravitate to to lead them & be inspired. Heck, my personal mission statement is even about freeing, daring and inspiring self-actualization in myself and others. Yet I feel so caged (vs. free), stifled (as opposed to daring & stepping beyond my limits), left alone to cope with my life (far from inspiring). I know I could be doing so much better, which is what self-actualization is. I am really so, soo, tired & so close to giving up. I feel so old, that life is just passing me by....

It was never about sex.
It was however, about the thrill of holding hands,
Of being close to someone.
Of feeling the warmth of that first, tender kiss.
In a life where kissing was a rarity.
It was about being seen, of being recognized
Of feeling the power of being a woman.
It was about feeling alive once again.
Of being held, and being caressed,
Of being wanted.
It was about passion, and excitement
Of anticipation, and walking in the moonlight.
And though it may have been wrong,
It felt so right.

What will you do If I die?

"What will you do if I die?", he asks.

To which I so wanted to say, " I’ll live".
How can you have an intelligent, mature conversation with someone who asks a question like that?
My husband has mastered the art of the "victim mentality".
He sees me as being unsupportive of the ideas and plans that he has.
My indiscretions have only added fuel to the fire,

making him feel more depressed at how unfair life is to him. I don’t see where this marriage is going anymore.
His self-esteem will always be at a low, because he has no job,

& I don’t see how he can start a business with no funds to speak of.
Just today he said he wants to start a video footage & editing business,

but he has no videocam. And all I can think of, is that I have debts to pay,

school fees and tuition of the kids to take care of, grocery to buy,

and a million other things to take care of.

So that I can put food on the table and take care of my family.
And I don’t see how the future can improve on from here.
I know things do work for the better, but I can’t see how things can for my husband.
I know I should be his no.1 supporter, but I can’t.

I don’t believe in him anymore, he’ll always lack character,

always be weak at heart, always look to external factors and circumstances, and people to blame for the problems he is in.His attitude will always be his no.1 stumbling block.
And he said about wondering before, about having a one night stand,

but thinking twice about it, because he’d be embarassed,

seeing that Cebu is such a small place.

And that he could’nt believe I could do it, after all.

Hearing him talk like that, made me wonder.

Could I have been wrong?
Could he perhaps be innocent of that one wrongdoing?
Would him being innocent make a difference?
I just want to run away from it all.

Don't Be Fooled By Me

My first speech contest was in Grade 4 when I joined the
Elocution Contest. This was my piece. Very adult for
a nine-year old girl. My mom coached me on the piece.
I won first runner-up.
Never understood the piece back then,
like I do now, as a 33-year old woman.
Now I am too familiar with the pain and angst
of wearing a mask of nonchalance,
& yet being a ticking bomb waiting to explode inside.
Don't be fooled by me.
I may look happy, but I have been in the pits of despair.

*********************************************************************
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off and none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
but don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.Beneath lies no smugness,
no complacence.Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weaknesses and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only salvation,
and I know it.That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls

I dislike hiding, honestlyI dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial phony game.I'd really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this. I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing,
that I'm just no good and you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without,
And a trembling child within.

So begins the parade of masks,
The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.

So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say but what I can not say.
It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.

The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn't
for I am everyman
and everywoman
who wears a mask.

Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.

I just created this new blog. a freer version. where I can start my online journal!