R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

So. Soo. Tired.
All my life, I realize I’ve been trying so hard to get and earn respect from the people around me. I feel such a failure for feeling so insignificant, & why I don’t inspire respect from other people. What could I be doing wrong? Maybe I’m just feeling maudlin and generalizing things, but it does seem to be a pervasive trend in so many areas of my life. That the quality of my relationships with other people are lacking the respect factor. My husband doesn’t respect me in the sense that he doesn’t really admire & believe in the things I do, of my personal dreams & pursuits (be it Toastmasters, my doctoral studies, work, etc). At work, I also don’t see that I have the respect I need from the people I work with. I feel lost, & bewildered, sometimes, with how people can seem to work around me, that at times I stop to wonder, & say to myself, "Hey, something doesn’t seem to be right here, am I being stepped on, like a doormat?!". There are so many underlying tensions and things undiscussed at work, & though I know I could confront the issue right then & there, I’m too scared I guess. At home, well, in terms of the relationship I have with my sister, it really doesn’t seem like I’m the older sister, & I know that. My sis is more capable than I in handling the household, family business, finances --- & I wonder, why is that? Something must be wrong with me, in the way I handle things. But I’m at a loss on what to do. I just want to be competent and capable and successful, the kind of person people gravitate to to lead them & be inspired. Heck, my personal mission statement is even about freeing, daring and inspiring self-actualization in myself and others. Yet I feel so caged (vs. free), stifled (as opposed to daring & stepping beyond my limits), left alone to cope with my life (far from inspiring). I know I could be doing so much better, which is what self-actualization is. I am really so, soo, tired & so close to giving up. I feel so old, that life is just passing me by....