LISTEN

LISTEN

I remember Niel placing the song from Dreamgirls on
how,in spite of what's happening, of making the other person
love you all the more, of desperately wanting to make it happen.
Although I like that song, I forgot the title, the song below, "Listen"
is for me my favorite song in the entire movie.
I guess coz it speaks about the loss of not being seen,
& the pain of not being heard.

Listen to the song here in my heart, A melody I start but can't complete
Listen to the sound from deep within, Its only beginning to find release
Ohh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turnedInto your own, all 'cause you won't listen

Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried, To say whats on my mind
You should have known, Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened

There was someone here inside, Someone I thought had died
So long ago
Oh I'm screaming out, And my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed Aside or turnedInto your own,
All 'cause you won't listen

Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried, To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened
I don't know where I belong, But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't

Listen to the song here in my heart, A melody I start, but I will complete
Now I am done believing you
You don't know not what I am feeling
I'm more than what you've made of me,
I followed the voice you think you gave to me

But now I got to find my own - my own

Honoring My Dead

DEAD LOLAS

The Chinese has what they call as "Ancestor Worship". Although not to the point of worship, like in the movie "Mulan", I do believe in honoring the dead. Last All Soul’s Day, we visited our "dead lolas" in Queen City cemetery. It’s a good time as any to remember the dead & share a little bit of their stories. Although I never knew any of them, there are aspects of their lives that I have picked up important lessons from. In one cemetery plot, we have my 3 lolas: Teodora Otarra, Pacita Cabando, and Epifania Valenzona. The first, Lola Pacing, is my maternal grandmother. She died before I was born, even before my parents married. She met my maternal grandfather during World War II in the small island of Banacon, in Bohol. It was a turbulent time, & since it was wartime, they couldn’t find any priests thus she & my lolo lived as common-law husband & wife, & were accepted as such in the community, & they had my Mom & her younger sister. But when my grandfather got stationed in Iloilo, he was caught in a shotgun wedding & thus he was legally married to another woman, with which he had 5 children. This was a bitter story that affected the lives of my grandmother, & my mother as well, the latter having to bear the stigma of being an illegitimate child, although she was the eldest among her half-sisters & brother. Aside from this tragic bent, the stories I have heard of Lola Pacing is that she worked real hard to support my Mom, travelling back & forth to Manila & Cebu, buying & selling RTW clothes. She was a single mom, who had to deal with a philandering "husband", bore the death of her youngest child(I never really knew what my aunt died of, of a childhood sickness probably, & even my Mom has not shared stories of her younger sister, & I’ve always thought this was because the story was too tragic to tell). But she was able to send my Mom through to Law School. Aside from this hard life, I grew up hearing about how she was the original "singer" in the family, & she would often be called upon to sing during town fiestas & have politicians call on her asking her to sing during crowd gatherings during elections time. Many said she had a marvelous voice, & that I must have gotten my singing talent from her. She was also very gregarious, & in spite of her hard life, always had funny stories to share & songs to sing. She loved my Mom very much, but I do recall my Mom painfully retelling about the time her mother had beaten her up, when she had told her that she wanted to leave home & enter the convent. She did it out of love, & I think she must have been a grand old lady & I would have loved to meet her.

Pacita Cabando, is my Mom’s grandmother. I have few stories to tell about her, but I do recall my Mom telling me about her being such a devout Catholic. She also lived her life in an island, in Banacon, & that she would wake up my Mom very early every morning, to pray her numerous novenas. I wonder about her life & how it must have been for her, to have borne 2 daughters, both unmarried & with children borne out of wedlock. But from what I understand, hers was the steady hand that guided my Mom while she grew up as a child, while my Lola was out working.

My last lola, I know her as Lola Baybay, my paternal grandmother who hailed from Baybay, Leyte, hence the name, as it was my Dad who gave us the monickers for each of our lolos & lolas, depending on the place they came from (that’s Lola Baybay – from Baybay,Leyte. That’s Lolo Carcar, from Carcar,Cebu). To help us little kids, from being confused in remembering the many grandparents we had. Lola Baybay died at sea, when I was three, when the boat from Baybay sank & there were many people who also died in that event. They said, when she was a young maiden, that she had a very persistent suitor, who she had spurned, & who, out of desperation, waited for her in the dark one night & accosted her. He became my lolo, & my Dad came nine months later. Theirs was not a happy marriage due to this tragic beginning, & my Lolo was enscripted into the army soon after their marriage, to fight the Japanese in WW II, & he died in the war. My father didn’t even have pictures of him, for these pictures were burned during the War,in case the Japanese would find them. Or perhaps this was the story that my paternal grandmother shared, for she was still full of bitterness because of what happened, & & seeing my Dad only made it worse, for they said my Dad looked so much like his father. Aside from my mental picture of this pained, bitter woman, Lola Baybay did get to marry another man after all, & had 2 daughters, but my Dad’s stepfather also died, which left him the sole breadwinner of the family & thus he grew up supporting my 2 aunts, & my Lola of course.

And what about the dead lolos? Mine really is a highly matriarchial family, for I have few stories to share about my lolos. They either died young, & left my lolas as widows, or they were quiet, non-descript men who didn’t figure much in the lives of my forebears. I do know, that both my Lolos served as soldiers during World War II, & that they were both part of the Bataan Death March, that 60 miles march during WWII where the Japanese forced 90,000-100,000 American & Filipino prisoners of war to march from the Bataan peninsula to prison camps. My paternal grandfather died along the way, while my maternal grandfather, owing perhaps to his street smarts related to his Chinese descent, was able to make ends meet & escape along the way. There must be a story there somehow, but as its already lost in the pages of history, & I can only make romantic guesses or notions about each finding the other. Or I somehow think about my dead Lolas, & the lives they must have led.

Which makes me wonder, when I’m dead & gone, what stories will my children’s children have of me? I do pray that life, & history will not leave me tales of woe such as these, although I do know that these women in my past have lived full lives, worthy in their pains & substance, & that they have made it possible for me to be here. And make my own story, that’s still in the telling.

AMERICAN DREAM

Went to the States, left last Aug10 & got back last Aug24. I really had fun during my US trip. Went to 3 states (California,Washington,Arizona) in my 14 days trip. Although I did spend a lot of that time waiting in airports (counted 12 airport stops, in 6 airports, logged in 38 flight hours), so its like 2 days of my trip was spent in transit. Lots of memories worth cherishing!

Things best remembered about my trip:

* Travelling becomes me. Felt so beautiful!= kept being complimented, from NAIA's security guard saying lasses from Cebu are really beautiful, to the black security lady at the Sacramento airport
calling me young lady, to the Mexican shopkeeper in San Francisco calling me "maganda", & the Washington Filipino restaurant owner telling my aunt I look so young & pretty.

* America: The Land of Plenty. Where are the people in the neighborhood? Was shocked at how few people there are. In my stay in the US,really only saw crowds when I'm at the airport, & even their malls are deserted (unlike SM over here). The US sure is huge. My mom said even if all Filipinos come to the US, there'd be space left over. Only saw 3 beggars in my whole stay in the different cities I visited. Freeway driving - so unlike the traffic jams back home. & radar detection signs if you go past the speed limit! & cameras on the road! Everything comes in big sizes - shampoo, lotion bottles,
etc.

* Home Sweet Home. US-Hermag version. I was so amazed by how Mom & Dad have made themselves such a beautiful home in Anaway,Sacramento. Their house was really nice, characterized by Mom's cleanliness, organization & beautification touches.

* Food! I gained 7 lbs in just 2 weeks! American pizza is as delicious as what we see in the movies! Visited & was toured by family & relatives & eating out was the norm. I love pigging out on vacation!

* Toastmasters Convention. Being a first timer at the TI convention was quite an experience for me.
It made me realize that I do belong to an international organization, seeing & getting to know
people from different countries, from different races. Being the VJ at Pawe's Videoke sing-along & coercing Toastmasters from different countries to sing songs. Time spent with dear Linus.

* Shopping!Bought gifts for home- I love Russ for Less = clothes, Shoes, shopping in California, the Arizona Desert Mall, bought books, even at Goodwill for ukay-ukay, American style = cheap, really nice clothes! My parents gave me 700USD to spend. Even shopped at Arizona airport, only mins.
after I'd disembarked from the plane, on the way to the bus stop to go to the hotel!

* Washington. I love Washington's greenery! Seattle was such a beautiful city, loved shopping at Pike's Place, going to the first Starbucks, & climbed the Seattle Space Needle! Ate Cherry's place on the Golf Course, with Bill Gates as neighbor, & near the lake, was impressive. Had fun with Jim, Jayme,Ethan & John(rambunctious but really adorable kids!). Had a tiring,early morning walk with Jim's parents.

* Arizona & the Desert Marriot. What the tour guide said that the temperature in Arizona is the same as in Baghdad, gives you an idea of how hot it was. Yet spent a morning walking the deserted streets of downtown Arizona with 3 senior citizens: Sirs Dodong & Noli & Mam Sonia. The locals must have thought we were crazy. The Desert Marriot is a 5star hotel, what fabulous pools! Took advantage of the Stargazing tour, but ended up moon-gazing instead! Loved looking at the moon craters(a high for a moon enthusiast such as me). Had a desert walking tour.

* Relatives Galore. All Filipinos have relatives in the States, & I was certainly no exception. Was shuttled back & forth between houses & States.Even my parents & sister were too busy & can't go on leave for the few days I stayed with each of them. Stayed with Auntie Pacit(my Dad's sister) & Uncle Allen in Washington where she toured me in Poulsbo, a really quaint,lakeside village. Stayed with Auntie Mila(my mom's cousin) in California & she & Auntie Prelly & Uncle toured me in San Francisco. Didn't have fun touring the shopping district with Auntie Mila - we went to Neiman Marcus & Gucci looking at jewelry & 3K USD bags! Would rather have visited Charmed house - rode the Sausalito ferry though & passed by Alcatraz Island & San Francisco Bridge.

* Friends Reunion. Met Glet, my best friend in college & her family (Icky,Gaby & Joshua Miguel, yup, he has almost the same name as my son! We weren't sure if we'd talked about it, but well Miguel is older so it was Glet who copied!). Also met Arlene, a close kabarkada in high school, & her husband. It was fun, we all had lunch in Mom & Dad's formal, rarely used dining room.

* California. California is so hot!!! Its really summer in August! Saw open spaces & dry brush all around. Toured Sacramento city hall grounds for America's retirees gathering with parents,
& got free food & shirts. Even had fireworks on my last night in the States due to the state fair.

* Family Reunion . Stayed with Ate Cherry & sina Mom & Dad in the States, but bonded more
when we all took the flight home to the US for another week-long vacation in Cebu. Though it was back to work for me, still had fun. Spent the 1st weekend at the Hilton Mactan. Touring Cebu. Ate Ethel arrived from Greece! The first time the whole family have been all together in 10 years.

Throughout my stay though, kept having bad dreams of the kids, the hubby, & of my workmates (& I never dream about people at work!)I guess I was missing family, what would have made my vacation complete would have been having the kids with me. & I was also worried about work, knowing this is just a breather for me, the eye before the storm. So after travelling, we all have to get our feet back on the ground once more. And face reality.

SILVER LININGS

Every cloud has a silver lining.
I’ve always loved that expression, in fact clung to it in times when the storm has been at its worst, sort of like grasping for straws in desperation. Still, looking at the positives in any given situation, does make my mood lighter. Thus, in the midst of the turmoil of my professional life, it bears looking at
why I love working in my present job, or things that have made my stay worthwhile in my present company.

1. Lexmark billboard model
2. Being a non-punching employee
3. Being part of the extended management staff
4. Being promoted to HR Officer
5. Overseeing an annual Php8M training budget
6. Having held 3 positions (being tasked with 3 growth assignments) in 5 years.
7. Having reached almost 5 years working in the same company
8. Being the voice behind the 6am,2pm,6pm & 10 pm prayer over the PA system everyday (for the past 4 years & counting)
9. Company cel
10. Company laptop
11. Working for a multinational, American company
12. Making the LIPI culture videos & starting the videoediting service in this company
13. Attending numerous training programs in Manila over the past years
14. Alegre beach resort stay due to company management outing
15. Significant salary increase every year
16. Good pay that has made it possible for me & my family to live comfortably these years
17. Coop loan facility
18. Singing in company programs!
19. Working in a really nice company facility
20. Hotel stays (Dusit,Galleria,Sofitel)
21. Friends acquired (meron din naman, I guess not a barkada type though like Aboitiz)
22. Being a Lexmark scholar & finishing my MBA!

Meredith Gray

Dr. Meredith Grey: At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross.

Dr. Meredith Grey: You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.

Dr. Meredith Grey: At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

Dr. Meredith Grey: A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

Dr. Meredith Grey: Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

Dr. Meredith Grey: I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you've crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, and I don't know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself

Dr. Meredith Grey: I've heard that it's possible to grow up - I've just never met anyone who's actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don't go our way, we whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark, we look for comfort where we can find it, and we hope - against all logic, against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope...

Dr. Meredith Grey: If you knew this was your last day on Earth, how would you wanna spend it

Dr. Meredith Grey: Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.

Dr. Meredith Grey: Pick *me*. Choose *me*. Love *me*.

Dr. Meredith Grey: Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

Dr. Meredith Grey: There's something to be said about a glass half full. About knowing when to say when. I think it's a floating line. A barometer of need and desire. It's entirely up to the individual. And depends on what's being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there's no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless. And all we want, is more.

Dr. Meredith Grey: Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

Dr. Meredith Grey: Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes to simply be human. Maybe, we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

Dr. Meredith Grey: At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.

Dr. Meredith Grey: Four hundred years ago, another well-known English guy had an opinion about being alone. John Donne. He thought we were never alone. Of course, it was fancier when he said it. "No man is an island entire unto himself." Boil down that island talk, and he just meant that all anyone needs is someone to step in and let us know we're not alone. And who's to say that someone can't have four legs. Someone to play with or run around with, or just hang out.

Dr. Meredith Grey: Sometimes doing something is worse than doing nothing.

Dr. Meredith Grey: When you were a kid, it was Halloween candy. You hid it from your parents and you ate it until you got sick. In college, it was the heavy combo of youth, tequila and well, you know. As a surgeon, you take as much of the good as you can get because it doesn't come around nearly as often as it should. 'Cause good things aren't always what they seem. Too much of anything, even love, is not always a good thing.

Dr. Meredith Grey: How do you know when how much is too much? Too much too soon. Too much information. Too much fun. Too much love. Too much to ask... And when is it all just too much to bear?

Dr. Meredith Grey: Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.

Dr. Meredith Grey: The fantasy is simple. Pleasure is good. And twice as much pleasure is better. That pain is bad. And no pain is better. But the reality is different. The reality is that pain is there to tell us something. And there is only so much pleasure we can take without getting a stomachache. And maybe that's okay. Maybe some fantasies are only supposed to live in our dreams.

Dr. Meredith Grey: At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

Piracy

Piracy. I know its a crime.

Like I know I wouldn't steal a cellphone. I wouldn't steal a car.

But let's face it. Pirated CDs are so cheap as compared to the original items.

And I figure, in a third world country such as the Philippines,

buying these pirated CDs wouldn't matter, coz so few can ill afford to buy a P300-500 worth CD.

This year has been the year that I've discovered the lure of pirated CDs.

What with my self-imposed exile, a lot of my time has been spent at home

watching these CDs. Am especially partial to CDs of television series,

& weekend marathons (16 or more hours) watching these shows,

is my current addiction.

Here are the television shows in CD version, that I've watched this year:

* Prison Break (Season 1 & 2) = Lincoln Burrows is on death row for the murder of the vice president's brother. He insists he's innocent and only his brother Michael Scofield believes him. As an engineer who helped design the prison where Lincoln is being held, Michael takes drastic measures to help his brother. He gets himself arrested and sent to the same prison so that with his knowledge of the building the two of them can escape together. However, while inside, Michael discovers a massive conspiracy that is determined to see Lincoln's sentence carried out. Breaking out will be more difficult than he thought, but he's still going to try. (Note: I like this series because, hell, I can so relate with the characters, that feeling of being imprisoned & wanting to break free).

* Heroes = the story of several people who "thought they were like everyone else... until they woke with incredible abilities" such as telepathy, time travel and flight. These people soon realize they have a role in preventing a catastrophe and saving mankind. The series follows the writing style of American comics with short, multi-episode story arcs story that build upon a larger, more encompassing arc. (Note: Always been fascinated with superheroes, from watching Superfriends & the Hall of Justice, back in my childhood days. If I had a superpower abilities, well, I'd love to have the ability to teleport - coz I hate commuting!, but on a deeper level, I'd love the power to bring out the good in people, sort of a more active power than that dwarf character in Xmen who had the power to strip Xmen of their powers when he's in the vicinity)

* Invasion = When a small town at the edge of the Florida Everglades is threatened by a raging hurricane, U.S. Park Ranger Russell Varon must go to great lengths to protect the small community and his family safe. During the storm his young daughter claims to have seen mysterious lights, seemingly unaffected by the gale-force winds, floating near the water. Varon dismisses the sighting, but begins to wonder if there really was some truth to the story after his missing ex-wife turns up naked and her memory of the storm is completely gone.While the community begins to clean up after the storm and piece their lives back together, Varon begins to investigate the strange happenings as he tries to make sense of what is happening. (Note: I'm fascinated with aliens also, I started watching this on TV's Crime & Suspense channel & was so happy that there was a CD available)

* Jericho = After a nuclear disaster caused by several terrorist attacks destroys most of America, residents of a small Kansas town must come to terms with a new and very different reality. (Note: I love end of the world scenarios, or disaster movies/genre. There's something about contemplating the end of the world, that puts all things in perspective)

* Lost (Seasons 1-3) = follows the lives of Oceanic flight 815 survivors on a tropical island, somewhere in the South Pacific. (Note: Always toyed with the idea, what if I'm shipwrecked on an island, well I wouldn't mind if I'm in the company of these guys: Jack, Sawyer, Sayid,Charlie....The mystery of this island gets me hooked though, like where is it that these people are really?)

* Grey's Anatomy (Season 3) = A drama centered on the personal and professional lives of five surgical interns and their supervisors. (Note: I just love the dialogue! Plus, my first dream was always to become a doctor...)

* Commander-In-Chief: (Note:Technically, this shouldn't be in my list, because I'm just watching this on TV. But the story is so good, & this for me is the best of all I've mentioned above. I actually saw a CD of this in the mall, & this was before I saw the first TV episode, I had thought of buying it but was low on funds that day. When I went back to buy it, it was gone. So bad! So I actually sacrific & stay up till 11:30 pm Wed nights just to watch this on TV.Imagine!)Mackenzie Allen (Academy Award®-winner Geena Davis), the 45-year-old Independent Vice President of the United States, is about to venture into territory no woman has entered before. While at an official ceremony with husband and Chief of Staff Rod Allen (Kyle Secor), she is informed by the President's Chief of Staff, Jim Gardner (Harry Lennix), and the Attorney General that President Bridges is about to undergo emergency brain surgery for a tumor.MacKenzie Allen becomes the first woman American president after she ascends to the job following the death of president Teddy Bridges.

Well, the bummer about watching television series on pirated CDs is that they run out of episodes, & you have to wait for the next season. But then, I guess its a good thing really, coz you can't just go on and on and on....

MY FAVORITE THINGS

My Favorite Things

Raindrops & roses & whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles & warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose & eyelashes
Silver white winters that flow into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

I’ve always loved the "My Favorite Things" song in the musical "The Sound of Music"
And so when I’m feeling a little bit let down,
Here’s my own personal list of my favorite things.

Birthday cakes & Valentines Day
Trying on and buying clothes
Windowshopping
Watching movies while eating a Flame It Teriyaki Burger with Onion Rings
Coaching Time with Niel
Friday nights that lead to happening weekends
Out of town trips
Eating shawarma & licking the sauce on my fingers (& trying to hide so people won’t see)
Watching fireworks with my kids
Listening to love songs on the radio
Singing my heart out
Gloomy,downcast days with no rain
Divisoria shopping
Wrapping and giving Christmas gifts
Paying debts
Yellow Cab New York’s Finest Pizza & Charlie Chan Pasta
Sizzling sisig
Wearing sexy clothes and looking fab
Being told I don’t look my age
That satisfied feeling after facilitating a training session when I know I’ve done my best
Late night outs & being free
Travelling to a new place I’ve never been to before
Holding hands
Holidays merged into long weekends
Wednesdays

Writing and giving Toastmasters speeches & entering (& winning!) speech contests
Having money for taxi rides & body massages
Finding unique bargains while Ukay-ukay shopping
Jounal writing
Reading romance novels on a rainy day
Waking up from a lovely dream
Hotel stays with the family
The smell of garlic frying on the stove
Lasagna
Finding new things to add to my moon collection
Mermaids
Making lists

Well, These are indeed a few of my favorite things !!!

MAYDAY!

Mayday!

"Mayday!" is the ultimate distress signal, recognized by sailors all over the world. It approximates the French term "m'aider", meaning "come help me!" This is an apt title to describe how the month of May has been for me.

Personal Goals:
Spiritual: Am still ok here I guess. And its funny how I’ve met people (in two different events) who recognize me because they’ve seen me in church. This was a signal for me that going back to church is something right, coz considering that we arrive late & I really don’t mingle much, but napapansin din pala. But its been a spiritually, psychologically trying time for me Mayday!). More on this later on.

Social: Worked so hard for the May18-20 Discon! Met old Mla Toastmasters friends, & worked with
Cebu Toastmasters group, plus touched base with my SJS, Copper & Aboitiz TM clubs. Met new people too, & renewed ties with "significant" friends.! Had fun interviewing champion speech contestants over the phone & though this article didn’t see fine print, I learned a lot nevertheless. And the learnings from watching the speech contests was mind-boggling! I don’t know if I’ll be speech champion ready material next time.

The Discon was a major event & this serves as my Travel/Rest/Recreation Event for May also.

Mental: Finished my 1st trisem in USJR Doctoral class. It was hectic cramming for all those papers
I didn’t get to do because of the Discon, but I had fun and learned nevertheless. The classes are so easy!

Financial: Got my mid-year 13th month bonus, but used this to pay for kid’s school tuition fees, Club Ultima payments and the like. Am starting to use my Citibank Credit Card, will see how this pans out later on. Am still keeping myself afloat financially I guess.

My Roles:
Mother: Ok with the kids. Whole family, including Cuyos family, attended Prime’s Summer Outing at
Hadsan beach. I have sunburn on my face & back! Ate Jennylyn, Miguel’s new Yaya is working out
really great. I was also able to have China enrolled for this coming schoolyear.

Wife: Mayday! Where do I even begin?!?! Its been difficult, & has escalated into more frequent talks
on separation. But since he’s threatened getting custody of the kids, this changes things. His attitude
too is so mercurial, & the times that he’s lucid and affectionate are his more humane moments (buti
na lang meron kahit papaano) that I hang on to. Its so hard for me to describe what I’m going through
right now, and maybe the only way to describe how worst it has gotten for me can be shown in that
On two occasions, I’ve resorted to prescription drug abuse as a way to escape from my hellish reality.
But I’ve stopped na, & it was just those two times (yeah, & that’s what every drug addict says….not
That I’m turning into one….)I’m working on my marriage though, & just to please my husband, I’ll
Be taking a hiatus from my USJR Doctoral studies, & am giving up my plans on attending the US
Discon, & have even declined attending Toastmaster meetings & events, as well as other non-TM
activities, I’m just staying put at home most of the time. Of course, that’s still not enough for him
as he said.

Work: Work has been a blur due to events in my personal life & how busy I am (my marriage, Toastmasters Discon, my doctoral studies,etc). And it shouldn’t be coz there is so much to do,
Especially in the light of having no boss to report to (we have no HR Director yet) & our HR
Manager went on a month-long leave pa gyud. And I have hang-ups pa with my team, though
I’ve gone out of my way to talk to them from time to time, just that am not sure though if this is
Enough.

Mayday! My ship is in distress! And to think I started this year by making a collage of my 2007 dreams
Using a lot of nautical navigational symbols. Travelling is something I want to do, but the waves
Pull me to shore, & I am floundering amidst the jagged rocks, as they scrape the bottom of my
ship….

Time Flies When You're Having F.U.N.

This has been the fastest year of my life. I can’t believe its already May, & its like the year is almost over. I guess I’m different from most people, coz time goes so fast for most when they’re having fun. For me, I tend to speed dial time & breeze through my days when I don’t particularly like what I’m experiencing at the moment, or I go through time in a daze coz I hanker and look forward to the time when things might get better. So F.U.N. could probably stand for, oh I don’t know, a fundamentally unhappy nightmare of a life.

Or maybe I’m just being melodramatic, as always. Well, only a look back at how April was for me, can answer that.

Personal Goals
Spiritual- Only went to Church once this month. Had my first massage of the year – imagine! Maybe that’s why this year has not been such a blast. I do need more of my massages.

Mental- My 1st real USJR Doctoral Class (I was sick & absent last month) – wrote and directed training vignette with my classmates. HR and Industrial Relations class presentations and reports. Never realized Doctoral class was this easy.

Social- Haven't been going out much due to my current lovelife (hah!) problems. Just Holiday Plaza Rooftop with Discon Committee, & even that was just to eat & run.

Financial- Rethinking my coop finances and loans due to Coop Gen Assembly & Annual Dividends Distribution and Results. Explored other potential financial investments (meeting with Prulife & PhilamLife). Paid my life insurance, 1st quarterly payment. Feeling the brunt of paying Club Ultima payments though am still managing things. But there's something to be said for me getting a take home pay of less than 10K. I really must be doing something wrong.

Travel/Rest and Recreation- Didn’t really travel much, but had marathon CD watching for the first time, with Heroes, and Prison Break, and countless VCD movies. Spent Kadaugan holiday walking along downtown Cebu, Colon. Tripping lang.

My Roles
Mother- Holy Week holidays – spending time at home & at Club Ultima or Crown Regency swimming with the kids for so many times, swimming at Vano beach with family, Lower Hermag Fiesta & riding the ferris wheel with the kids. My son's many yaya's: the tomboy, Ate Merle, the one-day maid. Now Ate Jenn. I hope she stays.

Wife- Feeling nagged. His sniping, and side comments, and interrogative questions is getting to me. My nerves are getting frayed. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Really.

Work- Learned a new skill– what with attending an Integrated Mgt System Internal Auditors Training and conducting my first Internal IMS audit. Feeling bad due to feeling lost with Phil Measurements report delay and my own insecurities with working with my team, but there were ok times naman. Facilitated Completed Staff Work Training, & had a great time discussing the concept with supervisor participants.

Talents- Gave a talk on Employee Engagement at Southwestern University to MBA-Executives class. Loved their bouquet, certificate & personalized t-shirt tokens, as well as the sumptious lechon lunch. And they loved my talk! Not bad, considering I crammed final preparations.

Immediate Family- Ella's first year bday celebration in Jollibee. Talking with Ate Ethel for her bday & with Mom on the phone.

Toastmasters- Attended my first Taipan meeting of the year! And my only TM meeting for the month. I’ve taken such a hiatus from TM. Starting to get busy with Secretariat and Registration though.

Homemaker- I managed to clean & organize the music room during the Holy Week.Yehey!

This is all for April I guess. Am really just coping & living with it day by day. But am still OK.

BEST FRIENDS

My first best friend, Joy,
Was my cousin, who I grew up with
& we even called each other as twin sisters.
We went to Kinder, Grades 1 & 2 together.
But lost touch when we moved to Davao,
& although we wrote each other from when we were young
& now we’re living in the same place & see each other
from time to time.
Things have never been the same.

My second best friend, Melody,
Was my classmate in Grade 3.
And we remained classmates till Grade 6.
We were close, & I can’t remember
How we we became best friends,
But it sure felt good to have a friend
Since I was the new kid in class.
I’m not exactly sure how we stopped
Being best friends, coz I don’t recall
Fighting, we just outgrew each other I guess.

I had my first barkada in Grade 6, with Liza & Jennifer.
We were inseparable, & talked endlessly,
For at this age, we’d discovered boys.
We’d eat lunch together, & they’d both
Go with me, even til high school,
When we’d still troop back to the grade
School canteen to have lunch with my sisters.
We stayed as a barkada from Grade 6 till first year high school.
Then things changed, as it often does,
During high school.

My high school barkada, & I call them such
Are Jercyl, Rowee, Suzette, Arlene, Deanna, & Myrha.
I remember barkada sleep-overs in my house in Lark St.

In college, all through-out, there was our barkada:
Glet, Leah, Celes, Redge, Karen, Princess & me.
I became a Christian because of these guys.

Entablado, though a barkada,
Was a loosely organized bunch of friends for me.
Depending on what year & what group:
And although, Karen, Loren, Jobert, Joesen, Joy,
Jason, Ama, Bards, Juan, Bombit, Obit,
and so many others
Will always be friends to me,
I felt most times in, but at other times out
& just went my own merry way.

It was the same with work,
I have my Aboitiz friends: Welda, Riella, Jovy,
Chris, Alpin, Arne
My Toastmaster friends.
But I also have a separate life.
Apart from them.

And that's me I guess,
I've been blessed to have had best and close friends
Over the years
But I still prefer to keep my own company
Like a cat, who gets all cuddly with people,
but prefers to walk and explore alone.

And perhaps that's why
Niel
Is my bestest friend of all.
He's been there, for
Thirteen years.
And though we've had our
physical parting of ways several times over the years
The emotional bond of friendship
Has always been there.

The friends I've mentioned here
I've lost, then found once again
through the years.
And once you've let someone
into your soul, & into your life.
They don't ever leave you I guess.

So maybe yes,
I am a solitary soul.
But I have met & needed friends
to get me through all these years.

Forever More

And they lived happily ever after.
Happiness and love is equated with forever.
Somehow the thought of forever is a long wished for dream.
And yet, looking back at my life.
I realize that many events in my life go through phases
& forever is a condition I am most unaccustomed to.

For instance…
I was a happy-go-lucky child,
Growing up in Cebu. But,
I was all of 8 when we moved to Davao, in 1983.
Seven years later, in 1990,I entered a new phase in my life,
College, & "moved" to Manila to pursue a degree in Psyhology.
In 1993, my family sold our house in Davao
& we moved back to Cebu.
I graduated college in 1994.
Moved back to Cebu for a year to teach (my first job)
Moved back to Manila to be with my friends in 1995
And what I had come to see as home.
Taught from 1995-1997,
Moved to an HR job in 1997 till 1998.
Moved back to Cebu in 1998
To take care of the house & be with the family business
As my parents moved to the States.
Got married in 1999.
Moved back to Manila to live with my in-laws in 2000.
Polluted Manila, far from being the exciting world
Of my college days, didn’t agree with me,
So moved back to Cebu in 2001.

Got into my old job, stayed there till 2003
When I moved into my current job.
At four & ½ years, this is my longest
Working stay in a company.
And
For whatever its worth, being married
For seven years is the longest commitment
I’ve had to a person.
So maybe that’s why I ache,
And feel ready for a change.

They say
A rolling stone gathers no moss.
But still,
I am the person I am
for all the changes I've gone through in my life.
Maybe its time for me to stay put
and dig deep into the ground, & grow roots.

Still, change beckons to me like a siren's call over the horizon...

The Ides of March

The Ides of March

Wow! I can’t believe that the first quarter of the year will soon be over. March is nearly over, & we’ll be celebrating April Fool’s Day this weekend. I feel like life has just passed me by, and I wonder where the year has went. Well, here’s a listing of how 2007 so far has been for me.

PERSONAL
Spiritual: I missed church for the last 2 consecutive Sundays,but mostly because of being sick. I still believe am ok with my God though, & will plan something spiritual for Holy Week next week.

Mental: I got my Doctoral assignments & reports done ahead of time. Which is why it was such a bummer to miss class due to being sick with the flu. I like being in school, & working on papers & stuff. It gives me something important to do. I also finished the book, "The Success Principles" by Jack Canfield, though I still feel far from successful. Still, the book was such a mental rush.

Physical: I got sick with the flu, & was absent for 1 ½ days, which broke my record of being present at work & minimizing my absences. Still, I was able to work out at the gym for the very first time, yehey! & swimming with the kids, as part of my new Club Ultima membership.

Social: I had no social life to speak of this March! And, its all because of you know who. And this is not me, as introspective and introverted a person that I am, I realize I am a very outgoing person, I need to go out! So am slowly going crazy…..But then, had to balance it with keeping the peace at home. Good thing, Monette calls me several times during the week. Gives me the semblance of having a social life at all.

Travel: Am more of am a homebody these days, the only travel, or stepping out of my limits, that I can think of, is going to Club Ultima. Although had a food trip (buffet lunch) with HR team leaders at Waterfront Mactan, due to Lexington visitors. The food was heavenly! Though our visitors were in a hurry, so we had no time for seconds. Bad!

Financial: I was able to pay a lot of my debts! A major bulk went to paying kid’s school tuition fees, Toastmasters, insurance. Yehey! This is really something to celebrate! But embarked on a financial investment with Angel that scares the shit out of me (pardon the expression). Getting the Club Ultima membership will entail a whole lot of belt-tightening, but am doing it, aside from the investment value, for the family, for my health (gym work-outs), and it feel kinda strange & good, to be deciding on something major such as this with my husband (because it was a joint decision).

MY ROLES
Wife: Not Good. Its been difficult keeping the peace at home, & it feels crazy to have given ammunition to my husband to lambast me & berate me at every turn, for making a mistake. I’ve tried so hard, & stopped my other commitments cold turkey, so to speak. Though its not making a dent in his consciousness. Garleth went home, for good, & this is another something I find difficult to forgive.

Mother: I paid my kid’s tuition dues, & that’s such a huge accomplishment. Its been difficult starting on a new dietary program with Miguel. China’s as upbeat as always, & won an award as "Most Respectful" in her Kinder graduation. Went swimming with the kids several times.

Team Leader: Not Good. I feel like things are slipping from me again, & my staff is working around me. Had an altercation with Caryn this month, when she raised her voice at me for something I did that did not sit well with her. Things are not going well at work, & its getting me down…

Training Officer: I guess the leadership part is getting to me, & work has suffered because of the depression I feel towards work & handling people. Still, Q1 is over, & there is still so much to do! So I need to get my act & energy in order!

Toastmasters: Worked as Contest Chairman during Mar3 Division C & I Contest, which was a very major, busy affair. Things worked out well I guess. Also attended Discon preparation meetings, & reported as Secretariat Head. Still, I missed some meetings & totally avoided Toastmasters meetings, just to avoid the wrath of Angel. Bad. So, so bad.

Old Family: Mom has called, & things are ok naman. Still have to drop an e-mail to the family though.

X-Men. Am good in this area. Had several surprising calls, but mostly about Toastmasters district affairs. He looks so sumptious from afar though, but I know now where I stand. Its just, so so sad.

Homemaker: Changed the lay-out in the bedroom, which did wonders to the room (made it more spacious). Also organized my closet. Even cooked a few times. I feel more of a homemaker, because am mostly at home now. And I never thought of myself as a homebody.

Other Crafts. Nothing done in this area. I need to organize my papers & books at home. Things are such a mess.

So what is it about the Ides of March? Well, I looked it up, & they say it’s a metaphor for impending doom. I can so relate…..

February

This is what I had posted for Feb.
An update on my goals for 2007.

PERSONAL
(1) Spiritual: I've been going to church regularly every Sun without fail this year.
Believe me,that is such a huge accomplishment for me coz I can't remember
the last time I did that. And to think, this is even one of the 10 commandments.
That's Bread of Life in Ayala every Sun morning,with the hubby.

(2) Mental: I pursued & started my doctoral in HR studies in USJR na. Yes!

(3) Physical: not good. Tumaba ako, I need to exercise & lose my belly
fat. Also need to take care of my personal appearance & look more
professional (make-up & look) = got this by looking at the trainers I've
attended in Jan & Feb.

(4) Social: am also ok here. got to go out many times via Tmasters
meetings, also with Aboitiz friends, & with Celes in Jan. I still feel
a bit restricted though coz no more late night out with friends (hey
clean fun, not dates) due to hubby.

(5) Financial: Was able to pay my first payment for life insurance.
I still need to pay tuition for kid's schooling though.

(6) Travel: K lang coz wala naman akong money so far.
Had planned to go out with the hubby Valentines weekend but
he had his Jaycees induction (yes,he's also getting to be busy
with social/civic activities)

MY ROLES
(7) Wife: ok. Hubby & I have been going out & I can't remember
the last time we've been tied to the hip & constantly being together
since we got married. He accompanies me to toastmaster meetings
so as to guard me nga. Things are a bit constricting for me, but
we're doing ok I guess. He still has to look for work though.

(8) Mother: ok. Transferred my son to a new school. Went out
with my daughter for her school functions. I still need to religiously
follow sensory integration therapy for miguel, but i've been
giving him his lotion massage almost every night.

(9) Team Leader: ok. I've had several meetings with my staff
& discussed team KBOs. I just really need to talk with my
staff everyday.

(10) Training Officer: Been busy with HR planning & major
HR & training projects. I believe its been a good start for the year.

(11) Toastmaster: Been attending Toastmaster meetings
in different clubs. I gave my High Performance Leadership
speech & will now need to forward credentials to Toastmasters
Intl so I can be credited, also worked out my being a mentor
to an Aboitiz club. I need these requirements so I can be given
my Advanced Leader norm & qualify for Distinguished
Toastmaster norm, the highest norm for Toastmasters.Yehey!
Been busy with Area & Division speech contests, & will
most probably be Division C Governor next year,handling
all 30 TM clubs in Cebu.

(12) Ole Family: Been writing to my family naman, & parents
are excited about my trip to the States, & are firming up
schedules. If I'll be granted my visa, I'll be flying home with
my parents.The whole family will have a reunion in August,
with both my Ates planning to come home. It'll
be the first time since 1990 that the whole family is together.Wow!

(13) X-men. not good. Though tremendous sacrifices have
been made by me in this area & the distance has been
really put, not the total break I am aiming for. Thats all I'm
going to share in this area. Tukso, layuan mo ako!

(14) Homemaker. Magulo pa rin ang bahay! Siempre
busy ako, & things are not as 5S or spic & span as
I would have liked. I try to make ligpit kahit one area/
item every night. I don't ever think I'll be done in this area.

(15) Other Crafts.Other small but important projects:
still havent finalized my scrapbooks in a
treasure chest (though I have an idea now for this) &
haven't updated my resume, or last will & testament.

February was very upbeat!

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

So. Soo. Tired.
All my life, I realize I’ve been trying so hard to get and earn respect from the people around me. I feel such a failure for feeling so insignificant, & why I don’t inspire respect from other people. What could I be doing wrong? Maybe I’m just feeling maudlin and generalizing things, but it does seem to be a pervasive trend in so many areas of my life. That the quality of my relationships with other people are lacking the respect factor. My husband doesn’t respect me in the sense that he doesn’t really admire & believe in the things I do, of my personal dreams & pursuits (be it Toastmasters, my doctoral studies, work, etc). At work, I also don’t see that I have the respect I need from the people I work with. I feel lost, & bewildered, sometimes, with how people can seem to work around me, that at times I stop to wonder, & say to myself, "Hey, something doesn’t seem to be right here, am I being stepped on, like a doormat?!". There are so many underlying tensions and things undiscussed at work, & though I know I could confront the issue right then & there, I’m too scared I guess. At home, well, in terms of the relationship I have with my sister, it really doesn’t seem like I’m the older sister, & I know that. My sis is more capable than I in handling the household, family business, finances --- & I wonder, why is that? Something must be wrong with me, in the way I handle things. But I’m at a loss on what to do. I just want to be competent and capable and successful, the kind of person people gravitate to to lead them & be inspired. Heck, my personal mission statement is even about freeing, daring and inspiring self-actualization in myself and others. Yet I feel so caged (vs. free), stifled (as opposed to daring & stepping beyond my limits), left alone to cope with my life (far from inspiring). I know I could be doing so much better, which is what self-actualization is. I am really so, soo, tired & so close to giving up. I feel so old, that life is just passing me by....

It was never about sex.
It was however, about the thrill of holding hands,
Of being close to someone.
Of feeling the warmth of that first, tender kiss.
In a life where kissing was a rarity.
It was about being seen, of being recognized
Of feeling the power of being a woman.
It was about feeling alive once again.
Of being held, and being caressed,
Of being wanted.
It was about passion, and excitement
Of anticipation, and walking in the moonlight.
And though it may have been wrong,
It felt so right.

What will you do If I die?

"What will you do if I die?", he asks.

To which I so wanted to say, " I’ll live".
How can you have an intelligent, mature conversation with someone who asks a question like that?
My husband has mastered the art of the "victim mentality".
He sees me as being unsupportive of the ideas and plans that he has.
My indiscretions have only added fuel to the fire,

making him feel more depressed at how unfair life is to him. I don’t see where this marriage is going anymore.
His self-esteem will always be at a low, because he has no job,

& I don’t see how he can start a business with no funds to speak of.
Just today he said he wants to start a video footage & editing business,

but he has no videocam. And all I can think of, is that I have debts to pay,

school fees and tuition of the kids to take care of, grocery to buy,

and a million other things to take care of.

So that I can put food on the table and take care of my family.
And I don’t see how the future can improve on from here.
I know things do work for the better, but I can’t see how things can for my husband.
I know I should be his no.1 supporter, but I can’t.

I don’t believe in him anymore, he’ll always lack character,

always be weak at heart, always look to external factors and circumstances, and people to blame for the problems he is in.His attitude will always be his no.1 stumbling block.
And he said about wondering before, about having a one night stand,

but thinking twice about it, because he’d be embarassed,

seeing that Cebu is such a small place.

And that he could’nt believe I could do it, after all.

Hearing him talk like that, made me wonder.

Could I have been wrong?
Could he perhaps be innocent of that one wrongdoing?
Would him being innocent make a difference?
I just want to run away from it all.

Don't Be Fooled By Me

My first speech contest was in Grade 4 when I joined the
Elocution Contest. This was my piece. Very adult for
a nine-year old girl. My mom coached me on the piece.
I won first runner-up.
Never understood the piece back then,
like I do now, as a 33-year old woman.
Now I am too familiar with the pain and angst
of wearing a mask of nonchalance,
& yet being a ticking bomb waiting to explode inside.
Don't be fooled by me.
I may look happy, but I have been in the pits of despair.

*********************************************************************
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off and none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
but don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.Beneath lies no smugness,
no complacence.Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weaknesses and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only salvation,
and I know it.That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls

I dislike hiding, honestlyI dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial phony game.I'd really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this. I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing,
that I'm just no good and you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without,
And a trembling child within.

So begins the parade of masks,
The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.

So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say but what I can not say.
It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.

The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn't
for I am everyman
and everywoman
who wears a mask.

Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.

I just created this new blog. a freer version. where I can start my online journal!