Feeling Maudlin

It strikes once again. I guess this happens to me, perhaps once a month, maybe during the full moon (full moon ba ngayon?) or middle of my cycle (well, kinda true). I'm feeling so down and in the dumps now. Starting to think maudlin thoughts once again. I'm usually so upbeat and optimistic, but I have to admit, I can be equally, if not more melodramatic when I'm down and depressed. Perhaps because its so chilly right now(December nights), or the fact that I'm losing the challenge a close friend threw at me (3 dates before the year ends !!!). Hahay, pag-ibig na naman ba, or the lack of it, ang kahihinatnan ng blog entry na ito? Hindi naman siguro. Wala, masaya lang kasing maramdaman ang kababawan ng pag-ibig. Yung kinikilig ka, at magkakandaugaga para lang sa isang lalaki. Kabaliwan.

The Examined Life

I'm looking for a 2009 planner. I always start each year with my new planner, excited for the year that will be. Not that I really jot down things to do and events to go to. I'm afraid I entirely use my yearly planner for an altogether different purpose -- as a mini-diary. Instead of looking at the future, I look at the past --- as I jot down things that happened on that day. Hence its not a diary really, since I don't really expound my thoughts for each event here --- I leave all my writings and ruminations for my blogs after all. My planner though, functions similar to what Doogie Howser MD (remember that famous TV show in the 80's or early 90's) where he'd write a line or two of what happened for the week in his computer.

I wish I could find a planner though that allots the same space for weekend days (Sat & Sun), as it does for weekdays (Mon-Fri). Or similar to the pic posted here. I mean these planner manufacturers must know that more people plan for their weekends than their weekdays! I always run out of space when I jot down what happened over the weekend. Hey I'm a weekend person after all (even with this new job now where I also work on Saturdays) there's still so much fun things that happen over the weekend. Not that my weekdays are better, I do have a very busy life, not just with work, but with social appointments plus my other extracurricular activities.

Writing in my planner is instrospection time for me,as I get to savor the things that happened for that particular day. Just writing a simple line to remind me of where I went, the people I talked to,etc. This is for me after all, just stimulus cues. I do need to rely on my memory to give me the full story of what happened on that day. Example: "June29,2008: My 35th bday! At home lang. Lunch at SM Bigby's with Sheila,Tom & kids. Konting ikot. Visited dead lolas at Queen City (cemetery)". Yup, its that sparse or even cryptic. But hey,I'm writing this for me really.

Still, this is something that works for me. After all, I believe it was the famous philosopher Nietzche who said that the unexamined life is not worth living. Or if I were to paraphrase that, the unremembered life is not worth living.

Lousy Dates

They say dating is a lot like dancing. You just need to make the right moves. Or maybe its just because I haven't found the right partner. For I've sure been having my toes stepped on.

See, I've been venturing into the singles scene once again. And dating! But the rules must have changed while I was away...for I've been having all these horrific dates! So, as if to torment myself all the more (for there's a perverse side to it that I just can't explain) here's a listing of all the types of lousy dates I've been through so far:

1. The Maniac. There's the date who's all over you, who you have to keep fending off & have him keep his hands to himself. He could give an octopus with 8 tentacles a run for his money. I guess what makes this date so repulsive is that you don't really like his touch at all. Or perhaps you could, but you just find the timing so bad. Call me old-fashioned but making out on the first date is not my idea of getting to know one another. I thought dating was about romance and leisurely strolling under the moonlight. When did dating become all about sex and a hasty trek to bed?! And to think I've been on three dates so far, all falling under this category. And its surely not because I have the body of a sex siren! (or maybe I do!). I certainly have not given them any inducements, or worn revealing, sexy attires for them to misconstrue it as a green-go!

2. The Conservative. On the opposite side of the spectrum is the date who's too cautious, not of you but of being seen by others (notably his girlfriend and her friends). And you end up not even being kissed at all! I know I seemed all virginal with lousy date example #1, but I guess it could be worse (you could like him but you just get stolen kisses - smacks at that! No tongue action at all= thus not really a kiss). Then you end up having a long-drawn out, long-distance "Sun-ny" affair. Yes, even hour-long conversations 3x a day does not a date make. My fault really for going out with a guy who's already attached (of course I didn't know it at the time). Which doesn't excuse why I've let these phone conversations drag on (but he's so sweet to talk to...& something is better than nothing!).

3. The Indian. Then there's the date who doesn't really qualify as one. Because he stood you up! And I couldn't have imagined that we'd agreed to something, coz there were these conversations, & text messages, & explicit words said to show he really was interested in me! But when it came to the actual action, he says he's too busy! What's a girl to do!

4. The Friendly Date. This is when a friend tags along to your barkada outing & you kind of agree to let him come along. And you think... well the sea air, and a walk on the beach under a canopy of stars, might just be the perfect setting for romance to bloom. But then you arrive at that perfect setting, & find that he's not the man of your dreams after all. Sparks don't fly, no romantic overtures are made, & you realize you really don't have anything in common... except perhaps for that other friend you have in a bikini he's been oogling (not you!).

The friend I recounted all these dates to, actually asked for lousy date #5. Incredulous, I shrieked: "You actually want me to experience another lousy date just so we could round it to a nice, solid, even number!!!".

Suffice to say, I have not been having the "time of my life". At all.

I am Strong !

I got this from my best friend. I especially like his justification and explanation of Positive Psychology. It fits with my strength after all which is optimism. So here’s my top 5 Signature Strengths (the first being the highest). What I love about what's listed here is that in spite of everything that has been thrown to me in my life, I still remain a child at heart & see life as one big adventure.

(1) Love of learning: You love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always loved school, reading, and museums-anywhere and everywhere there is an opportunity to learn.
(2) Hope, optimism, and future-mindedness- You expect the best in the future, and you work to achieve it. You believe that the future is something that you can control.
(3) Curiosity and interest in the world- You are curious about everything. You are always asking questions, and you find all subjects and topics fascinating. You like exploration and discovery.
(4) Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness- Thinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind.
(5) Gratitude- You are aware of the good things that happen to you, and you never take them for granted. Your friends and family members know that you are a grateful person because you always take the time to express your thanks.

And these are my least strengths, since they're at the bottom of the list. Hmm.. how come I feel the need to explain my weaknesses more than my strengths. I guess because the first list is very self-explanatory when you see me. But the weaknesses... well they go deeper & hence must be explained. At this point in my life, after having stifled my needs in my (failed) marriage for so long, I want to be seen & in the limelight & thus modesty would not be one of my strong suits right now (weakness #1).Part of it is being a little impatient with people. I guess I'm less forgiving of people right now & prefer to speak my mind when someone I meet doesn't quite measure up to my expectations (#2). Still, I'm far from being brave, especially when it comes to venturing out in relationships with men (3#). Its difficult to be honest with people, men especially, when I still don't trust that I won't be hurt. The last weakness, has to do with my being an introvert (yes, I am one!), as much as it may feel for me to be lonely right now, I would rather be alone than have to put up & relegate my needs to someone else (be it in a relationship or with friends). Its time for "me" now!
(1) Modesty and humility- You do not seek the spotlight, preferring to let your accomplishments speak for themselves. You do not regard yourself as special, and others recognize and value your modesty.
(2) Forgiveness and mercy- You forgive those who have done you wrong. You always give people a second chance. Your guiding principle is mercy and not revenge.
(3) Bravery and valor- You are a courageous person who does not shrink from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain. You speak up for what is right even if there is opposition. You act on your convictions.
(4) Honesty, authenticity, and genuineness- You are an honest person, not only by speaking the truth but by living your life in a genuine and authentic way. You are down to earth and without pretense; you are a "real" person.
(5) Citizenship, teamwork, and loyalty- You excel as a member of a group. You are a loyal and dedicated teammate, you always do your share, and you work hard for the success of your group.

Signature Strengths Test: 240 item Character Strength and Virtues Test from Authentic Happiness.

The Desire of My Heart

Ok. Its been quite some time since I've thought about Mr.Right. But even if I do despair of ever meeting him, the dream is always there. So since this text by a dear friend reminded me :

http://mymetaphysicaltrapeze.blogspot.com/2008/11/someone-to-share-foxhole-with.html, of the off chance of what could be, then here is my Christmas list (for all Christmases):

1. makes me laugh

2. will bring me breakfast in bed

3. will love my daughter, & most especially my son & treat them as his own

4. is God-fearing

5. successful in his career

6. has money of his own, acquired through his efforts

7. appreciates the arts

8. encourages me to pursue my own interests

9. athletic

10. has passions & interests of his own (excluding women of course!)

11. loyal and faithful

12. a gentle - man who can be tender and kind

13. loves to read like I do

14. articulate

15. emotionally resilient

16. will dream with me (& work hard with me to achieve them!)

17. someone to watch over me

Yes, I can always dream ...

Ramdam mo na ang Pasko?

I asked that of a dear friend when we met recently. His answer saddened me in that he said Christmas is for the kids..and that the older he gets he feels that Christmas is just another holiday that one gets used to.

I believe one has to decide, not just in Christmas, but in all things for that matter, to find the joy in
anything. I guess I asked that question because I was in a way asking myself if I already feel the Christmas spirit.

And it got me thinking that I feel the joy of Christmas the most when I start buying gifts for friends, family and other people in my life. Christmas for me is shopping! Well, that's easy, I'm a woman after all. It happens every year...our senses are bombarded with the sights and sounds of Christmas everywhere we go. Again, we are confronted with the challenge of finding that perfect gift. For me, its the thrill of finding, for that special person on my list something totally different, something totally unique. Oh yes, & it does start first with making my Christmas list: of people I will give gifts to, of people who I need to give that something to thank for their gift of friendship. So who has been nice to me? And who has been naughty? Its not only Santa who gets to drop people from his list. Although for me, its a matter of budget I guess, & so priority goes to family & close friends, then people in the office, & other people I want to give gifts to.

Then comes the shopping! And with so many bazaars & Xmas sales & tiangges nowadays, one can always find something to buy for a certain amount. I love crossing things from my list, seeing that I've already bought a gift for that person, & so on. I never get tired of elbowing my way through the crowd, of looking at what things are in store in the next booth, and carrying so many parcels and shopping bags after a day spent Christmas shopping!

Wrapping the gifts is another dramatic affair, a tradition. With Christmas carols playing in the background of course. Hands busy with tinsel, and ribbons & bows & cards & boxes and colorful Christmas wrappers, plus a sprig of holly or a garland of mistletoe to give that gift that extra Christmassy touch. And seeing all those gifts pile up under the tree! A Christmas tree is not a Christmas tree after all, without gifts haphazardly piled, one of top of the other.

Then comes the giving of gifts. I love handing out gifts to my friends, with a special note of thanks for the year that was, & the year that will be. With kisses and hugs of course! And much, much love. This is when I feel the spirit of Christmas the most. And I guess its because, if you really look closely at it, we give gifts to mirror the love that was there, in that first Christmas gift. For the Father who loved us so much that he gave us his son. As a Christian, I believe in the joy and the wonder and the magic of Christmas. And that it truly is a cause for celebration. Its not the material things that matter after all, for a gift would not be a gift without the love and the care that goes in the choosing, and in the giving.

And so, ho, ho, ho.. I'm off to do my Christmas shopping!

I am Healthy, Well & Beautiful!

I am healthy, well & beautiful ! If not, then I certainly think so. So perhaps I do have healthy self-esteem. But I know I'm also my own worst critic when it comes to my state of personal health.

So I took time out over the weekend to attend Ayala's annual Health, Wellness & Beauty Fair. Visited the different booths & got to take home a lot of freebies & some information for classes I'm looking at, notably:

* A free Mary Kay facial (will be getting that on Nov22)
* Belly-dancing lessons (1K only for unlimited sessions for a month: hmm..this is interesting)

* Yoga classes (I've always been interested in this & it might be good for my scoliosis, as well as for one's state of mind)

* An offer for a body massage (flirted for an instant with the cute sales guy: "So will you be the one giving the massage?". Of course he said yes!).

* Fitflops (I'd love to have this set from Res-toe-run, though its a bit pricy at almost 3K for a pair of engineered sandals that promises to make you lose weight as you walk!)

* A free body fat analysis from Fitness First (results show that I'm 8% overweight in terms of body fat as the range for my weight,height & age is 17-24% & I'm at 32%. Hmm..I guess they will always say you need to exercise. I would say I don't look that bad at all. Several people in fact reacted when they learned I was trying to lose weight, saying I don't need to (of course that did wonders to my ego!)

* Free front-seat ticket to the Fashion Show (boutiques Guess, Mango & Nike) = realized that it does pay to know the right people! Got this from a friend & loved watching the models strut their stuff on the run way

* Free buffet dinner stub at Teatro Casino (had to decline this though as I had to attend, what else..a Toastmasters meeting! But then one has to get one's priorities straight: Toastmasters always comes first! Plus all that free food would have added to more body fat!)

It was a fun night at the Health, Wellness & Beauty Show. I guess one should always put that as a priority for oneself. Although beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and so, lo & behold, the question to ask would really be: How do you see yourself?

Quantum of Solace

I got stood up last night (again!) for this date that never was. If you're one of the unlucky few who has actually experienced this then you know how terribly forlorn an experience it can be. The funny thing was I actually won a movie pass that night (for being the best Table Topics speaker in the Toastmasters meeting I attended = a pre-date event). The movie pass stated: "Privilege Card: Admit One Only" = yup, as if saying one should be priviliged to go to the movie alone. And it did say admit one only, so I took that as fate's sign for me to go on quality self-time. Quantum of Solace. The movie's title says it all: I am so trapped, in this total vacuum of aloneness !!! Or, as translated to Filipino: "malaking kawalan". But its his loss really & not mine!

So watch the movie I did. And I absolutely loved it! It reminded me again of how much I love Daniel Craig as James Bond. And I realized three things from all these James Bond movies:

(1) I don't want to be the James Bond girl who dies. Strange as it may seem, but I always seem to identify with this character. There's always one in every flick, from Solange in Casino Royale, Teri Hatcher's character in Tomorrow Never Dies, to this last one of Agent Strawberry Fields. Sultry, sexy & they steal the scene. But they do have that sapping, victim & hopeless take to it all. Still, they do get laid by James Bond. That should count for something. But I need to shift to the other character, the other James Bond girl. I want to be the girl who gets to stand up for herself & kicks ass.

(2) James Bond is the ultimate bad boy girls must be wary of. Oozing with macho sex appeal; a chest to die for; physically & mentally agile (my weaknesses in a guy). You know he's working on the right side of the law, but there's still that untamed, maverick side of him. No matter if you know how many women he must have bedded in his entire career, he still gets to you. I think its because he can make any girl feel like such a woman. I love the last 2 James Bond movies though because Bond has this humane side to him: he's fallen in love! What drives him is his love for Vesper, & the betrayal he feels at her having duped him. No wonder then that he becomes this international playboy.

(3) Have sex and die! Never have sex with James Bond (& all bad boys) no matter how they entice you (I love Daniel Craig's pick-up line in this movie: to Agent Fields = " I can't find the hotel stationery" = so unusual that it actually works!). Still, never, never give in! (Yeah right! Note to self) He can be so all-consuming & no matter how thrilling an experience it can be --- woe to the girl who does so. As the villian says in Quantum of Solace: "Everything he touches withers and dies". Could any death be worth the little death one enjoys when they have sex with him? Hmm...

So I did get to have that date after all. Oh James....

TODO To-Do List!

So many things to do and accomplish before the year ends:
(in no particular order)

1. My financial standing (make accurate list of my debts & draft a debt payment plan) = I do have an idea of my payables, but am actually hedging on this and am not looking forward to this task (but I really have to!)

2. Plan for Mla trip (plan & book dates, where to stay, how much, etc)= bringing my daughter to Mla so she can spend Xmas with her Dad (I've already decided that I'm just going to hatid then sundo her= am not planning on staying in Marikina. I still don't know though if I have the nerve to have that talk with my ex)

3. Gym Exercise (lose weight: 5 lbs; & 2 inches from my waist) target 2-3x/week exercise at the gym

4. My work (I have so many things to do at work- so many targets & projects that I just have to put this here)

5. Year -end reflections (make my top 10 events for 2008, lessons learned)

6. 2009 Goal Setting (make this list, as well as my 2009 goals collage, include a financials projection for certain goals that entail money, also revisit my personal Mission-Vision statement)
7. My International Speech (finalize written form & have these approved by selected TM friends)

8. Personal Training (I will have to draft & facilitate the following trainings: Time Management, Best Year Yet, & Financial Literacy programs)

9. 5S (Organize my things in my room, start if not finish my scrapbook for 2008 events down)

10. Appointment & talk with lawyer (I already have a lawyer in mind. Much has been accomplished this year. I did gain clarity on my marriage & having decided that this is the best for me. I've already gotten legal advise & have the pros & cons for annulment vs. separation; so what I need to do now is prepare myself psychologically & write facts & my side as well as get an idea of financial cost)

I had actually dropped an item from the list coz I know I'll be unable to finish already (& I'm actually sad for doing so - this dream & goal is to join the Precious Heart Romance Contest - its been a long time dream for me to write a Tagalog romance - deadline for submission is Dec15. I'll just join next year - this means I have a whole year to write the novel. I already have a storyline & characters in mind. Its the actual writing & the discipline & time for this that needs doing!)

So I guess, my to-do list should can also be a TODO list! Coz I'll have to give it my all to be able to accomplish all these things before the year ends!

But You're Just A Boy

This has been bugging me for some time now. I asked this guy out for a movie date (James Bond: Quantum of Solace) like 2-3 weeks ago. Yup, I remember telling a friend about this, & he remarked: " Wow, I didn't know you were that confident!". And its so true, I believe, this is actually my first time to ask a guy out. Of course, this wasn't like up front, I just texted him. Its not for fear of anything but because we don't really get to see each other everyday.

So he's been giving these non-committal answers. I do know that he is interested in me (well, we did go out one time & suffice to say, well, he was all over me!). Its not like I imagined it all. Perhaps affections wane over time? But I do know (I think) that he's extremely busy. I was really just looking forward to going out & talking with him (he's an extremely funny guy & I believe would make a fun & interesting date). Plus I really can't remember the last time I went out on a date with a guy. I guess I'm after feeling like a woman. I want the intimacy of holding hands, of being hugged. And kissed! And the ironic thing of it all, is that I've definitely decided I can't go out with stranger & be intimate, the way my other friends do it. I need the feeling of being safe & being with someone I can trust. Yes, even if its just for a dinner out, & movie & light kissing!

I do hope that we do finally go out tonight. If not, then this reminds me so much of this song on the radio nowadays & then it'll be time perhaps for me to sing this song:

" It's a little too late for you to come back, say its just a mistake.

Think I'd forgive you like that, If you thought I would wait for you. You thought wrong

But you're just a boy, You don't understand

Yeah you don't understand. How it feels to love a girl

You wish you were a better man.

But you're just a boy."

Oh geez, so I guess, its back to me experiencing a huge quantum of solace after all. Damn.

Starting Over...& Taking Risks

A close friend of mine cried on his way home last night. After trying his luck once again on the perilous road to love. I can only commiserate and sympathize. I know how it feels. To suffer the pangs of unrequited love. Heck, not even love. Just the thought of not being given a chance.

Taking a chance is always difficult, and no one likes the sting of rejection. Even when there are so many reasons: its him, not you; it may be that he's unavailable; it may be that he needs someone else, not necessarily you; or that he has other priorities at the moment. Whatever it is, you have been rejected. And its hard not to take it personally. And you start asking yourself: what is about me that is so difficult to love? I mean what's there not to like? I remember Meredith Gray from Gray's Anatomy saying: "Choose me. Love me". As if one could beg the other person to love you.

Heck, it gets even worse. Let's say you do get lucky enough, to actually have the other person like you. Sparks fly & the music begins. Then the dance starts... trying to get to know another person once again. I have another friend who once remarked: "Its hard. Going through another round of questions. From the simple & the mundane, what's your favorite color? To the things that matter: what are your values and aspirations in life". Having to share your life history with someone, tell the same stories all over again. Tiptoeing and putting your best foot forward once more, you try to be real and honest, but not too honest else he sees how wild and unpredictable you can be, for he might get turned off & change his mind. The awkward silences, the trying to guess what the other person is thinking, to seeing if there is a future to this beginning after all. And you hope, that even if you try to present your best face; that he has the eyes, the sensitivity to see beyond, & see the holes in your mask. That he even has the interest, the real desire to get to know the real you.

Starting over sure is tough. And there are no clear instructions, no clear guidelines on how to go through it all. Some people like to play games, to take the upper hand. Someone once said that its all about who has the power in a relationship, & one has to always play it cool & not to let the other person have control over you. So you play it nonchalant, & you shrug it off, & pretend that you always have other options, not just him. I don't play games however, but have always been the girl who has her heart on her sleeve. I don't like playing it cool, for if you can't take gamble on love, what is there to risk for? Not that I am ready to play the love game once again. But just stay in the game. The one that men and women play.

So don't play it cool. Make the first move. Take a chance. Even if you do get hurt, or get humiliated, or end up being called a fool. Life is too short to have regrets. And you may never know, you could get really, really lucky after all.

Interdependence

Stephen Covey defines maturity as interdependence --- this is when you need other people, & have cultivated nurturing, supportive relationships with people in your life. Independence, as compared to dependence (totally relying on others for your needs) and independence (relying on one's self). I used to see independence as the ideal, and look at myself as very self-reliant and standing on my own. This is good for awhile, for you learn to trust in yourself and in your instincts. Who to better know what's best for you than your inner voice? The older I get however, I realize how much more effective and how much more important other people are in life. I can't totally rely on myself, for I am human, & not superwoman after all. I do need friends, and family, to share my dreams & triumphs, as well as my sorrows and tears. Slowly I am learning to do this. Where once before, I would keep all my cards close to my chest, & not disclose my dreams & aspirations, I find myself sharing my goals and ambitions to people, still with a bit of trepidation, but still daring to share them nevertheless. Telling people about what makes me happy and what makes me sad, makes the experience more real somewhat. We all need witnesses to our lives, and people to share in our triumphs. I for one, am still very secretive about my problems, but have begun disclosing (& crying!) in the past year to friends, and even strangers who've become friends: about my failed marriage, my angst about finding intimacy and love. And I have begun to come out of my shell, & share with people, even with strangers, about my ambitions: joining the Triathlon, & now joining the International Contest. When once before I'd be scared to do so, for fear of having the fates play with me & snatch my fondest wishes, I dare to not believe in luck, but have faith that dreams do come true. If I earnestly try, and seek help and advice from friends. And asking for help was always one of my weaknesses. I guess I am growing up & becoming more mature after all.
And to thank God for a growing list of friends:
* Niel, whose always been there through the years. Who would have thought we'd end up being such close friends?
* Finding old friends once again (Jercyl, Jingle)
* New friends (Edmund, people at work)
* Maintaining friends (Aboitiz Toastmasters, Timbukto, Lexmark friends: Raniza, Eboy, Joan B.)
There are still other friends who I know would wish and pray for the best for me (Ateneo barkada, Toastmaster friends, other good friends). And learning to open up & find new friends along the way (Monet, Tootz, Boom, Khris, countless others)
That old song is true after all:
" People, people who need people
Are the luckiest people in the world" !!!

Leaving On A Jet Plane

So many people are leaving nowadays. In the past month, I've bid goodbye to 3 friends: friend #1 (Raniza) leaving for Canada; friend #2 (Jason) leaving for Australia; and friend #3 (Ritchie) leaving for New York,USA. Its fun to attend the Despidida parties, because its a time also to meet other friends you wouldn't otherwise get to meet on a regular basis. And its a time to rekindle old memories, to reconnect and renew old bonds of friendship. Another good thing about it also is that, it doesn't really seem like goodbye. The world is getting smaller & smaller, & with the propensity for email, Multiply, Friendster & other social networking sites, its so easy to keep in touch with friends and family across the globe. So even though I feel a little bit sad seeing my friends go, I know its for the best for them & a that a new adventure awaits. I also know that its easier now to keep in touch. Plus, who knows I might get to go around the world one of these days, & what better way to do so than have a friend in each country? And perhaps, well, there is still that possibility that the future will find me leaving one of these days. It'd be another adventure to look forward to. But its the Philippines for me for now, & me being happy for my friends as they leave on to the next phase of their lives. So its au revoir my friends. Till we meet again.

An Imaginary Conversation with a Not-So-Imaginary Guy

Moi: So I hear women in New York can be very aggressive & straight-forward. I was thinking...how would you like to have one last fling with a Filipina before you go? Is that forward enough for you?

Ha.ha. Only in my dreams can I be so brazen and wanton enough to make the first move. The picture above can sure be so misleading, showing something that isn't really there. It was just a fun, spur-of-the moment thing, & well, in my defense, at least I was forward enough to actually say, "hey, come over here, picture tang duha, kunwari we spent the night together!". It was his despidida party for a small gathering of friends, coz he's leaving for New York 2 days from now. It sure was another funny coincidence that we saw each other in a Toastmasters meeting Wed 2 weeks ago. And he was looking for a beach resort where he could have his despidida party. Sensing an opportunity for a romantic tryst (!), I volunteered to act as tourist guide. "Yup, I've heard of that place. I've been there. Why don't we check it out?". We even had dinner together after the meeting, at this quaint tapsilugan near Mepz2. Then it was off to the beach, for a stroll in the moonlight, just me & him together (plus the caretaker of course).
"Wow, this is so romantic! ", he says. Now was that an invitation for something more? Alas, he was not really looking at me when he said that. So, even if we did have that evening together, I could not sense any sparks flying between us, nor any hint of interest on his part. Of course, I could have made it a bit simpler, & tried any number of tricks, such as stumbling on a rock (& falling into his arms?!) perhaps. But that I felt was too cheesy. His despidida party, an overnight at the beach, came & went 2 nights later, on a Friday. I have no news to tell, I'm afraid, except for having the guts to request for a photo shot with him in the early dawn hours (hence this pic). And much as I am so tempted now to actually text him that imaginary invite above, I admit to being too chicken to make the first move. Even with our exchange of text messages yesterday & today (moi: "I just saw the pics! We look hot! (sabay smiley face na may wink!). His answer: "I second the motion".) Yup, sa buhay kong ito, hanggang ganon na lang talaga. I guess I am too much of a Maria Clara, to throw caution to the winds, yes, even when its a guy who is leaving the Phils. permanently, hence no real risk of humiliating myself coz I won't ever get to see him after this. Perhaps if he'd only exhibited a little bit of interest on his part. But then I'm a bit clueless and a bit dense to know if a guy also likes me. So I guess, this would also fall under the category: Things I wished I said/did, but did not. Kaya ako nag-iisa... 'langhiya, mag-Pa-Pasko na!

Quotable Quotes

Here are some exciting, funny quotes from friends I've heard this week:

N: "I'm sorry I wasn't able to answer your text immediately, I was out having sex"

(ang taray, inggit ako!)

N: " I went out on a date with this guy and we had sex".

moi: (incredulous) "You mean you had sex on the first date!?!"

N: (matter-of-factly) "Of course !!"

(ang taray talaga ng bakla! I wish I could let go of my inhibitions that easily. Me, the penultimate ego who has to rationalize & agonize & analyze each action to bits and threds...kung ang naiisip ay naging katotohanan, I would have a vast sexual experience that would rival the Kama Sutra, nga lang sa isip ko lang lahat yon)

Ma'am Lumen: "Sir, poidi pa-pick-up ko ?"

(Kala ko na ano na, kausap lang pala DHL. But that's a funny line. Pano nga kaya kung in that context gagamitin)

Sweating...And Loving It

My heart is pounding...breath coming faster and faster...sweat pouring down my face...I am in the zone...in the momentum of this exhilirating, adrenaline-driven body rush....

Nope, I wish I could tell you I was somewhere where the lights are low, the setting is private, with a well-muscled man with me. Well 1 out of 3 aint too bad, especially when its the latter part that's true. And plenty of them in fact. Well-muscled men pumping... not me, but their iron, and the setting is a gym. Yes, I have been exercising these past 2 weeks, and enjoying every minute of it. I haven't been spending my time ogling any of the men though, although in the Club Ultima gym I work out in , there are plenty of them, but I guess I'm not excited to look at men, when I know I don't look my best. After all, I'm in my sweats, hair tied in a ponytail, sans make-up. Not pick-up material at all. Besides, I'm here with a goal: to lose 10 lbs, as well as at least an inch (or two!) of belly fat. What I love about exercise though is the mental rush it gives me: my mind feels so clear, so refreshed and recharged after a work-out. And the psychological factor! Yes, exercise sure does up the endorphins...and endorphins make you happy (remember Legally Blonde!). So these are my top 2 goals for exercise, & getting to a sexier me is really just a 3rd goal or benefit that I'm after. And well, I have to admit, you kind of have to feel confident in your own skin, just in case one gets lucky & needs to shed off one's clothes for a romantic tryst...hmmm.... Go, 1-2-3...Let's get physical!

The Euphoria of Winning, The Agony of Defeat

I still haven’t shared regarding my Bacolod Triathlon Experience. And I should, considering that its going to be in my top 10 events list for 2008.

1st though, it was indeed a euphoric, happy experience for me.
Winning felt good. I won the championship for the Prepared Entertaining Speech Contest Category for my “The Art of Kissing” speech. I loved how the audience immediately reacted, even at the start when the contest host introduced me & said the title of my speech. And I kept them enthralled all throughout! Nothing beats having the audience in the palm of your hand! I loved having a message, a story to tell. What I learned here is that it helps if you’re passionate about your speech topic, & I did write that speech putting in all my frustrations, dreams and desires about kissing, and the perfect kiss.

I placed 2nd runner-up in the Singing Contest (OPM) category. I really should have chosen a better song than Sarah Geronimo’s “Forever Is Not Enough”. For one thing, it wasn’t a performance song & the lesson here for me is to always think about the audience, that each performance should be something that resonates with them. But to remember also, that it should resonate with me. That song certainly holds no meaning for me now. And I had chosen it simply because I had sang it in the past, so the lesson here also is not to play it safe. As a fan of American Idol, I should have remembered Simon Cowell’s admonition each time: “Song choice, song choice!”

I did not place at all in the 1st contest, the Impromptu Speech Category, which was expected. I had prepared for that quotation though: “If you know where you stand, then you’ll know where you’re going”. So I really could have done better. & to think Grace, past District Impromptu champion said that I had started with a strong opening…I really should have followed it up strong & closed it superbly. The lesson here is for me to practice, practice, and practice table topics. I do not believe I deserve the DTM norm because I have not mastered the art of speaking off the cuff as of yet. But, as Khris often points out, “Do the thing you fear, the death of fear is certain.” So I will definitely answer each Table Topic question I hear in each Toastmaster meeting from hereon.

Still, even with the disappointment of having the title District Champion (it was so easily within my reach!!!)- I’ve been mentally beating myself up over this the past 2 weeks! I shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that I still won though, as 1st runner-up overall in the Triathlon. The 3 impressive Bacolod mask trophies is a pretty visually strong statement, & sure look good amongst my other Toastmasters trophies. So, even if its 1st-runner (again!), I still won! And I did win the guy after all!

He Makes Me Dizzy!

Girlfriend!
He actually called me that! Uh,oh…so where is this leading to? Still, this is one of the few times that I’m not going to analyze anything but just feel….And it sure does feel good! I am just so happy, & relish this time once again, to have someone to talk to, & feel so cherished! He calls me up at least once a day; there have been times when he’s called morning, lunchtime, afternoon & in the evening. Sunny nights mean talking on the phone from 11pm to past 1 in the morning. I have always been the schoolgirl type – I love being giddy like this. And he just says the most romantic, appropriate things! Not mushy at all, but he is just so witty! We get to talk about deep philosophical things, & yet the silly things too! Being wanted and appreciated like this, being made to feel like a woman is just so great! I guess, what I so enjoy about this, is that aside, from him making me feel so much a woman, is that I had missed how it feels to be present to someone. To be asked how my day was, to know that at a certain hour, someone would call me, just to say hello.

(from Mamma Mia!) if you remember the character’s face as she sings this, this is totally how I feel at the moment…

“Honey honey, how you thrill me, ah-hah, honey honey

Honey honey, nearly kill me, ah-hah, honey honey

I'd heard about you before I wanted to know some more

And now I know what they mean, you're a love machine

Oh, you make me dizzy

You look like a movie star (You look like a movie star)

But I know just who you are (I know just who you are)

And, honey, to say the least, you're a dog-gone beast

So stay on the ground, girl, you better not get too high

There's no other place in this world where I rather would be

Honey honey, how you thrill me, ah-hah, honey honey

Honey honey, nearly kill me, ah-hah, honey honey

I heard about you before I wanted to know some more

And now I know what they mean, you're a love machine

oh, you make me dizzy “
I have no expectations for this, given our current situation & all. There’s this scene in the movie, “The Mirror Has Two Faces” where Barbra Streisand talks about a courtly love. It’s a love that’s as amorous as they come, sans the sex. A part of me just wants to continue all this flirting, of the promise of things to come, to just be in the moment & not to have to complicate it with the baser things like sex…

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

"I don't know about tomorrow, but I know who holds my hand".

I cried last night as I had dinner with two really good friends. They made me see how things do work out for the best. In this day and age when men can be so callous & unkind, it gives me hope that there is still redemption for all mankind, seeing that there are still men like Eboy. Men who do know how to honor commitments and truly love their woman. Such a love, such integrity in a man, does exist after all. I have very low expectations of men, at this point in my life. I do like them, & the attention they give me, but think them incapable of honesty, or depth of feeling and emotion. So I just feel and enjoy and be in the moment. But then last night, I realized how unfair it is to generalize all men. There are still the very few, who seek commitment and have patience, who do not succumb to temptation & are not subservient to their physical desires but have a conscience after all. And what to say of Raniza? To finally find love after all the trials and tribulations she must have gone through. To have found love in a foreign land, after a long drought of waiting. To have managed to stay sane & to be so giving to others, to have remained cheerful, never vindictive, vengeful or hardened, after having been disappointed and broken up by love. Both of them are truly diamonds. In a life where I dance with the devil, & succumb to temptations & sins of the flesh, these two are Angels sent from heaven to give me their message: that being good does have its rewards.
Now, its up to me to sit up, listen and take heed.

COLD REALITIES

Just in case you think all I have in mind is love and men, I guess I indulge myself in these flights of fancy to escape from cold reality. As a single parent to 2 kids, life gets to be a daily grind most times of surviving and trying to make ends meet. For a close-up look at the realities I face, there is no better way to quantify this than to give you a picture of my monthly (forecasted) expenses:

3.5K: son’s tuition
2.5K: daughter’s tuition
2K: life insurance monthly premium
2.5K: credit card payment
10K: groceries
900: daughter’s schoolbus
2K: transportation (me,kids)
500: medicines,vitamins
2K: Yaya

2K; my food & my allowance

1K: Family R & R

2K: investment (Club Ultima)

2K: coop savings
32,900 TOTAL

And these are just the forecasted expenses. So it’s a wonder why I still have time & money sometimes for the little things, like eating out, celebrating or gimiks with friends, outings with family, manicure & pedicure at the parlor, etc.

Still, there are so many others with so little so I guess even with all my monthly expenses, I still feel blessed.

SUNNY NIGHTS

Thank goodness for Sun! Unlimited texts and unlimited calls. Calling me 2-3 times a day, texting, emailing. Talking on the phone for hours on end. Any self-respecting woman would just swoon! And I have to admit, I am not immune to his charms. Although I have to admit to having second thoughts. I know I’ve been hemming and hawing and complaining about how all the men I’ve been meeting lately, of how they lack this attribute or that, & how I would not want to settle…prompting a close friend to exhort in disgust, “ You sure have high standards for a one-night stand !!!”. Well, for one thing, I wouldn’t want it to be over & done with in just a night! After all, he wouldn’t even be worth it if he could slake his thirst for me in just one night, that one night should make him want for more! I hate the thought of how women have to work so hard to keep their men, not unlike Sheherazade of the famous Arabian Nights, who had to weave a story each night to keep her husband the Sultan Shahyar from executing her. Imagine keeping that up, not just for a puny one night stand, but for a thousand and one nights! Idol! I wonder if it really took just stories… but then there are a number of ways to tell a story, & my imagination tells me she must have done more than that, for the language of touch & of body language can sure speak volumes! And yet, imagine how long it took for the sultan to fall in love with her & see the error of his ways! A thousand and one nights! Men! If it were me, perhaps I would have ended up executing the sultan after all. With an icepick ala Sharon Stone! Which I guess brings me back to the crux of the matter. I know me, & my passions and desires and wants and needs and hopes and dreams would not be satisfied, with the mere pursuit of pleasure for pleasure’s sake. If it came to that, I believe it was the ST Queen Amanda who so succinctly put it, “I have yet to meet a man who does better than my hands”. So, again, it comes to this, ok fine, I did get to meet this fabulous guy after all, but do I really want to settle for just sex? Not that I am ready for love and commitment and the angst and pangs that love brings. But shouldn’t there be at least romance? Not just a physical attraction but an emotional connection as well. A meeting of minds, of kindred spirits longing for that elusive bond, even if it just be for so short a time. Love calls for a melding of souls. I would not wish for that, but I would certainly yearn, AND NEED for an understanding of sorts. How trite that sounds: a mutual understanding. But it is so true, for I would want him to understand me, and me understand him. If forever is so elusive a goal to hanker for & certainly something I definitely am not ready for, can I at least have my Mr. In The Meantime?

Ang Sex Kasama si Paolo

Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay parang isang gabing nadapa ako, naligaw, nawala, umabot ng tatlong taon ang paghahanap sa bahay, at sa pagwawakas nito ay nakauwi ako.

Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay parang tatlong taong pagkain ng fastfood araw-araw at isang araw sa pag-uwi ko ay may mainit na tinolang manok na lutong bahay.

Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay ang paglalakad sa gabi na may bagyo at pag-uwi ko ay may mainit na sinigang sa mesa.

Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay parang paggising ko sa 18th birthday ko na alam kong wala akong party pero dadating ang mga kaibigan ko na nag-request pala ng party kasama ang staff ng Wish ko Lang.

Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay parang pagkatapos kong sumubok mag-bake pero nasunog ang cake. Pero dumating ang tatay ko na may dalang blueberry cheesecake.

Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay parang pagkatapos kong manood ng A Walk in the Clouds at pagkalabas ko ng bahay ay nandoon si Keanu Reeves at inaya akong apakan ang mga ubas. O parang pagkatapos kong umiyak si pelikulang City of Angels, binigyan ako ng tsansang baguhin ang istorya; o kaya para ding pagkatapos kong manood ng Somewhere in Time, sinabihan akong sa part two ay wala na ang coin sa bulsa ng lalaki. Para rin itong pagkatapos kong manood ng Sweet November, at nakatanggap ako ng balitang magagamot na ng pagmamahal ang kahit na sinong terminally ill.

Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay parang kapag naririnig ko ang kantang "Panalangin" ng Apo para akong dinuduyan ng malamig na boses sa hangin.

Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay parang kapag bente na lang ang pera mong panghapunan at nagpagkasya ko sa dalang pera ang isaw, rice at Coke.

Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay parang kapag nadiskubre kong ako pa lang ang nakakakita ng pink na itlog ng lalaki. Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay parang pagtanggap ng diploma pagkatapos bumagsak ng limang beses sa College Algebra.

Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay ang makita ang sarili kong nagluluwal ng apat na maliliit na Paolo.

Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay ang pagputi ng buhok at siya pa ring ang kasama ko.

Ang sex kasama si Paolo ay ang pag-upo sa tumba-tumba at kahit matanda na ay nakahilig pa rin ako sa braso niya. (Ni Sabel Prado)
**********************************************************************************88
Sayet, wala akong Paolo.

Sense & Sensibility

Ok, at this point in my life. I am so torn between giving in to my senses or applying a little bit of sensibility. I so want to.... but this distance is giving me the luxury of having second thoughts.....
Anyway, I saw the movie Sense & Sensibility last Monday, & I cried the tears that I was not able to shed over the weekend. The movie's plot does not really apply to my situation right now, but the movie's title so aptly describes my dilemma right now.
*****************************
Fanny: I am the soul of discretion.
*****************************
Mrs. Dashwood: Why so grave? You disapprove her choice?
Marianne: By no means. Edward is very amiable.
Mrs. Dashwood: Amiable? But?
Marianne: There is something wanting. He's too sedate. His reading last night...
Mrs. Dashwood: Elinor has not your feelings. His reserve suits her.
Marianne: Can he love her? Can the soul be really be satisfied with such polite affections? To love is to burn - to be on fire, like Juliet or Guinevere or Eloise...
Mrs. Dashwood: They made rather pathetic ends, dear.
Marianne: Pathetic? To die for love? How can you say so? What could be more glorious?
Mrs. Dashwood: I think that would be taking your romantic sensibilities a little far.
******************************
Edward Ferrars: My heart is, and always will be, yours.
**********************************
Elinor Dashwood: Did he tell you he loved you?
Marianne: Yes... no. Never absolutely. It was everyday implied but never declared.
******************************************
Elinor Dashwood: I do not attempt to deny that I think very highly of him - that I greatly esteem him... I like him.
Marianne: Esteem him? Like him? Use those insipid words again and I shall leave the room this instant.
*****************************************
Edward Ferrars: Your friendship has been the most important of my life.
Elinor Dashwood: You will always have it.
***********************************
Marianne: Always resignation and acceptance. Always prudence and honour and duty. Elinor, where is your heart?
Elinor Dashwood: What do you know of my heart? What do you know of anything but your own suffering. For weeks, Marianne, I've had this pressing on me without being at liberty to speak of it to a single creature. It was forced on me by the very person whose prior claims ruined all my hope. I have endured her exultations again and again whilst knowing myself to be divided from Edward forever. Believe me, Marianne, had I not been bound to silence I could have provided proof enough of a broken heart, even for you.
*************************************
Elinor Dashwood: Whatever his past actions, whatever his present course... at least you may be certain that he loved you.
Marianne: But not enough. Not enough.
*****************************************************
Marianne: Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds. Or bends with the remover to remove. Oh no! It is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken. Willoughby. Willoughby. Willoughby.
****************************************************
Elinor Dashwood: You have no confidence in me.
Marianne: This reproach from you. You who confide in no-one.
Elinor Dashwood: I have nothing to tell.
Marianne: Nor I. Neither of us have anything to tell. I because I conceal nothing and you because you communicate nothing.
*******************************************
Marianne: Did you see him? He expressed himself well, did he not?
Mrs. Dashwood: With great decorum and honour.
Marianne: And spirit and wit and feeling!
Elinor: And economy, 10 words at most.
****************************
Marianne: Is love a fancy or a feeling... or a Ferrars?
*************************
Elinor Dashwood: Mama, [deep sigh]
Elinor Dashwood: is there a painful difference between the expectation of an unpleasant event and its final certainty.

101 Stories

I'm reviewing all the stories in my life, in preparation for the Triathlon Impromptu Contest.
So here's to writing different stories/mini-speeches for each life theme:

SORROW/HARDSHIPS (well this was my failed Impromptu speech: I did not place, but Division C Impromptu gurus did approach me afterwards saying I was their no.1 & they did not understand why I did not place)
I CAN''T SLEEP ! Ladies & gentlemen, fellow Toastmasters & friends, for the past month & a half, I have not had the luxury of having a good night's rest. & I wish I could tell you that it was because I had a handsome, well-muscled man in my bed at night keeping me awake. Well, the culprit in question is indeed male, he's 8 years old, he's my son & he's afflicted with autism. Autism is a neurological condition that impacts social interaction & communication skills. It is a growing worldwide epidemic that affects 1 out of 150 children. I have long questioned why this burden was placed on me, but I have accepted this. For after all, this is my son. Its been difficult yes, but my son has also taught me so much. He has taught me to cherish life & live it to the fullest, to explore all my talents, join speech contests such as these. For in life, its not what happens to you that determines how far you will go, but what you do with what happens to you.

HAPPINESS/JOY/EXCELLENCE:
"So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing" --- I have always loved to sing. Many of my friends, especially in Toastmasters, know that. I even joined the Triathlon just so I could be granted the opportunity to sing before an audience. Many of my happiest moments were spent onstage: singing in musicals, acting on stage & joining(&winning!) in singing contests. What I love most about singing however is that it summarizes my general approach & philosophy to everything life throws my way. I believe I can handle anything as long as I have a song in my heart & a tune in my lips.
The famous management guru, Jack Welch, was once asked in one of his seminars: "If he had to choose between an employee who was the most competent in his staff, but who had difficulty getting along with others; & one other employee who was unskilled but who was a positive, enthusiastic person who would he choose? Jack Welch said: In a heartbeat, I would choose the last employee, because he has the passion & heart of a learner. Fellow Toastmasters, passion/joy is what separates the best from the average. So be passionate & enthusiastic about your life. After all, even with all its sham, drudgery & broken dreams, it is still a very beautiful world. Contest Host...

EXCELLENCE/WORK:
" Heigh ho, heigh ho, its off to work I go"-- Ladies & gentlemen, fellow Toastmasters & friends, do you sing when you are on your way to work? Well, you should try it sometime. Me, I have always loved to sing -- & yes, I do sing when I'm on my way to work.

You Don't Know Me

Ay leche! Ang kantang 'to ay para sa mga lalaki sa buhay ko na wala naman talaga sa buhay ko. Para kay Linus, na di na sumulat pagkatapos kong ipagtapat na may dalawa na akong anak. Para kay Jimboy, na "may moments" sana kami pero nakuha ng iba. Para kay Jay, at kay Bordz, parehong nagpapa-cute pero di naman magawang yayain ako ng tuluyan na lumabas man lang (aba, alangan naman ke-babae kong tao, ako pa ang magtatanong). Para kay Dennis, na nagawa ko ngang tanungin, pero di naman ako tinanggap ng tuluyan. Siguro, higit sa lahat, para ito kay Tolits, na kung naging matinong lalaki sana ay hindi ako magkaka-ugaga ng ganito.
Hindi ko lubos maisip kung ano pa. Hindi ko alam kung nahihiya lang sila sa akin. O di kaya, napapatigil lang sa sitwasyon ko. Hindi ko naman hiniling na magka-relasyon, may makausap lang at makilala sana. At kung napapaisip kayo kung bakit ang daming pangngalan ang nabanggit ko, hindi talaga madami. Isang malakang kawalan nga eh. Pero nasa kanila talaga ang malaking kawalan at di man lang nila ako nakilala ng lubusan. Kahit isang sayaw lang.

"You give your hand to me
& Then you said hello
I can hardly speak
My heart is beating so
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well
But you don't know me

No, you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
And longs to hold you tight
Oh I'm just a friend
That's all I've ever been
'Cause you don't know me

I never knew The art of making love
Though my heart aches With love for you
Afraid and shy I've let my chance to go by
The chance that you might Love me, too

You give your hand to me
And then you say good-bye
I watch you walk away Beside the lucky girl
You'll never never know The one who loves you so
Well, you don't know me".

Oh Solitudine

Winning the Triathlon Speech Contest felt great last Sunday. However it would have infinitely been better had I someone to share my personal success with. I had no Jerry MacGuire to share it with. I say that because I remember the last scene in Jerry Macguire, where after the football game where his sole talent had his defining moment on the field, he called his wife, Renee Zelwegger to share his success with. & remember how he rushed home to say that famous line: "You complete me.". Well that would have made my success complete I guess. But then we can't have everything. So, I'm still very happy with the win nevertheless.

I guess this just reminded me of my state right now. A friend of mine, just recently was vaccillating between complicated & single in his Friendster status. Well, I can't totally put a definite mark on my current state of affairs now. I definitely am happy not being married & attached. I relish the peace & the solitude & freedom I have hard-won & sought for so long. Still, there are moments that I would so long for the strength to be held in a man's arms....

So for now, this is my song...Oh Solitudine...

Oh God I hope I'm wrong But I'm not feeling very strong
I've been so up and down so sad So happy, feeling good and bad
I'm young I'm old I laugh I cry
I tell the truth but that's a lie
I've been so in and out so wild
So well behaved so pure defiled
oh solitudine That word I hate to say
And no I was not crazy to do what we did
I even wish I'd been a bit more crazy still
And kept a little more of him to see me through
He loved me all he could I never had my fill
And then I'm back inside my room he knows so well
I feel again the way he moved I take it slow
I talk to him and he becomes a part of me
And then I know he'll never let the summer go
Oh God I hope I'm right I won't give in without a fight
And I can take the words they throw At me
for none of them could know
That we had something very few
Will ever find their whole life through
I wouldn't change a single day Although the price I have to pay
is solitudine The loneliness is tearing me apart
It tears me up it pull me down and then
It wraps around my heart oh solitudine
Does he remember all he said to me
I've been so up and down so sad
So happy feeling good and bad
I'm young I'm old I laugh I cry I tell the truth but that's a lie
I've been so in and out so wild
So well behaved so pure defiled oh solitudine

Sex is not a 4-Letter Word

It was a dark and rainy night. As I drowsily prepared myself for bed in my negligee,
I turned to my special someone to bestow a goodnight kiss.
When, all my senses were suddenly aroused… by this one, not so innocent question…

“Mama, what is sex?”
It was my 7 year old daughter, imploringly looking up at me, as I was tucking her to sleep.

Thus comes the time every parent dreads. All the Table topics questions in the world, all the Toastmasters meetings, all the speech contests, could not have prepared me for the anxiety of this moment. I had to think of an answer…and fast!

“Well, you already know where babies come from. From the stomachs of mommies. Well, sex is what happens so the baby gets there in the first place. But you don’t have to worry about it. Only BIG boys and girls when they grow up & become men and women, only then do they have sex.” I so desperately wanted to end the discussion right then & there.

But with the natural inquisitiveness (& stubbornness!) of a child, she persisted:
“Do people like to have sex?”

Quite reluctantly, I replied. “Well, yes, it feels good so people like to do it”

“You mean, like eating ice cream!”.

‘Yes, except sex is hot, not cold”. Oh golly gee, I could have kicked myself for saying that.
Stupefied at what I’d blurted out, my mind blanked & flickered back to the past.
I was 14 years old, & I had just asked my mom that same old question.
Did she also look as terror-stricken as I did now?

What I do remember though is my Mom, a staunch conservative, telling me…
“Sex is something only married couples do. The best gift you can give your husband is that of being the first.” Heavy! Only my mom could talk about sex & virginity in one sentence.
Still, even at that tender age of 14, something inside me rebelled at the thought.
Being 1st should not be the best gift, me being anyone’s wife should be!

And to think I followed her advice to the letter. There I was, at 25, a quarter of a century old!
It was the end of the millennium, & people were frightened of the Y2K bug.
Me, I was more scared of bigger, more important things.
What if the world ended, & I would die… a virgin!
And so, I met this man, & we were both the first for each other, we even got married!
No, Mom. Older & wiser now, I can say: “You were wrong. It’s not about being first.
Being the last is the best gift.”

Perhaps its time for us to face all the myths & misconceptions we’ve been bombarded with about sex. Why the taboo, the hesitation to talk about sex. Not with our children, coz that will always be awkward. But hey we’re all mature adults here. So let’s talk about sex. We shouldn’t cringe to talk about something so basic. After all, you wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for sex.

Sex shouldn’t be seen as something dirty. Perhaps that’s why sex is supposed to put us in a setting where we are naked, as the day we were born. Because it’s supposed to be innocent.

So here’s my take on sex. & being a Psychology major, I’d like to explain it using Maslow’s hierarchy of needs:

1st: sex is physiological: it’s a need. Simple as that. Talk about spontaneous combustion, of fire & perspiration, of a feel-good wrestling under the sheets kind of thing. Sex is a need as basic as food, water & air. Most guys though get stuck in this stage.

Not for me. My sexual fantasy is to meet this really fabulous guy & as we are kissing each other (told you it was a fantasy!), I’d say: “I’m sorry, I don’t believe in one night stands”. & he’d tell me, “Babe, don’t worry, we’ll still be doing this for many nights to come. & I promise you, we won’t be doing much standing…” a steamy kissing scene follows & the camera shoots upward.. As it always does in the movies…!)

Back to Maslow. 2nd: Sex means safety. That should make us laugh. For nowadays, sex is FAR from safe. What with AIDS, STDs & multiple partners. Following Maslow’s model though, sex would mean doing it to feel secure. & well, to a certain extent, having someone to hold you tight, even if it’s just for a brief moment, can indeed lull you into a false sense of security.

3rd, sex is a social need. This is when you have sex, just to "have somebody get you through the night" (sing line from "Way Back Into Love"). Sex is better after all, when done with a friend. Talk about friends with benefits!

We should not forget though, that sex can & SHOULD fulfill higher needs.
Maslow’s last 2 higher levels are self-esteem & self-actualization.
& this is where we see the difference between sex and making love.

4th,Sex is about self-esteem. Sex shouldn’t be something that demeans you. It should be about respecting the other person, but most of all, sex should also be about respecting yourself. I don’t know if you’ve found yourself at a time when you just need to get out of that sexual relationship because you start losing yourself.

Lastly, sex is self-actualization. It’s about finding and becoming the best person you were meant to be. It’s about finding that one person & saying, “You complete me”. And isn’t that what sex essentially is. Sex should be about finally, finding someone to fill up that emptiness inside you (literally as well as figuratively).

So perhaps, that is how I would explain sex to my daughter, WHEN she turns 14.

And hope she wouldn’t ask me any more hard sex questions…like…
Should sex only be done within the confines of marriage?
Even I wouldn’t touch that speech topic with a 10-foot pole.
I’ll leave that for TM Jovy to answer. TM of the Evening/Contest Host….

Lowenstein

To the limited readers of this blog (well, I can only count the few of you in the fingers of one hand, seeing that I started this blog as an online journal for my eyes only), there's only one who knows Jobert. One other reason why I was depressed last June was that I had just learned that he’s now happily married & as of last week, his wife had just given birth to their first child. In my depression over my failed marriage, I wanted to cry out against the injustice of it all. I was always the one, in college, who people would say, 10-15 years into the future, would be happily married, with a litter of kids. And given how volatile and how wary of commitment he is, Jobert would be the one still living the unattached life. The stark reality of it all, is that we find the opposite to be true. And I could just rail at the injustice of it.

He was my Lowenstein. From the book “The Prince of Tides”, or the movie of the same title, Lowenstein is the movie character Barbra Streisand, but Lowenstein also stands for that elusive, wished for alternative to the life one is leading right now. The story ends with that poignant scene where the main character is happy & contented with his life, yes, but sometimes, in the dusk of each day; this is what he says: “At the end of every day I drive through the city of Charleston and I cross the bridge that will take me home. I feel the words building inside me, I can't stop them, or tell you why I say them, but as I reach the top of the bridge these words come to me in a whisper. I say these words as a prayer, as regret, as praise, I say: Lowenstein, Lowenstein”.

In the early years of my marriage, when even then, I slowly came to realize my miserable state of existence; at the deepest, darkest moments, I would escape it all by indulging in this flight of fancy, of thinking of him. Of Lowenstein & a romance that never got off the ground. Know that saying that goes when you look back at your life, oftentimes what you regret are the things that you did not do? I can so relate this with him. The irony & utter tragedy of it all, is that I don’t think he ever really knew how much he meant to me, of how much I cared for him. We never even kissed!!!

And now I have to let him go. I am happy for him, don’t get me wrong. Its just that I am sad for me.